Top 10 things to stop doing right now

1. Don’t think that people will change.

2. Don’t settle. In every person you encounter you gain something. Focus on what you gained, instead of what you were disappointed with. Use that list to carry you into the next relationship.

3. Don’t think that people aren’t satisfied with what they are or their circumstances. People structure their lives the way they want. When you join someone’s life it either works or it doesn’t.

4. Don’t get caught up in someone else’s drama. Follow your gut. If you hesitate about something, it is usually something you should avoid.

5. Don’t help people that don’t deserve it. It could be that you are enabling something or you’re caught up in their lies.

6. Don’t live your life for others. Find the things you enjoy doing, enjoy those things, enjoy who you are and where you are in life.

7. Don’t lose your sense of self. The person you were when you met is what attracted the person in the first place.

8. Don’t look for someone’s potential. Focus on what and who they are in the present.

9. Don’t be someone for someone else.

10. Delete the need to understand. Sometimes we really don’t know the reasons why things worked out the way they did.  Relying on a source outside yourself to understand why you feel hurt can lead you to persecute yourself. Sometimes people might not be completely honest with themselves and aren’t ready to be honest with you or can’t be honest with you. The best thing to do is just recognize that it’s over or the person is not going to call or the person doesn’t want to be in your life and that’s ok. You lost nothing. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the other person was about, said, did, etc.

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42 comments

    1. Thanks for your insightful comment & sharing this story! This list is meant to be an in the immediate sense, not long-term. People can change, but that can & does take awhile. Nothing is overnight. So, I agree with you too!

    2. Yes, people can and do change, but you can’t force the change and far too many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they keep trying to change the other person.

      So yes, don’t judge a person by who they were ten years ago, but don’t stay in a bad situation in the hopes that he will change.

      1. Brilliantly said, Serpent Rose! Thanks for sharing your insights! It’s a very difficult process for many because we want to believe in the better version of tee other person at our own expense sometimes.

  1. So someone who is everything listed this way YJABA… wouldn’t it make more sense to help them? I mean if it comes down to it.. Isn’t this person a product of the experiences they have had in this existence? What if you were the one person who could make a difference in this person’s life? Or better still if I follow this list isn’t something inside of me broken cause I can’t understand what it means to view the world this way? I used to be all of these things and then probably something even worse. It wasn’t that I could see they were choices though. It took something else to allow me to see it! If I tried to stop doing these things I actually made it worse cause one you live a lie you have to keep that lie alive. I didn’t know how to change it. I did realize I could kill it though. Each line I read here gave me a memory of what I was doing. Yet I never had anyone honest enough to come and tell me what I was doing to myself let alone everyone else. I am not sure I would have heard it, I was in pain! I always love coming here cause you always bring me back to something that I am still finding about myself. Wonderful blog my friend.. sometimes it does take to look back to see how far I have expanded and what choices I did finally make. It almost seems as though I am talking about someone else just seeing it now!

    1. Wow! As usual, CK, you extract the very essence of where the frustration lies. One would think that a person exhibiting 50% of this list would be receptive to: a) the right type of person into their lives, b) doing anything with the information, and c) evolving. I don’t know that I was thinking of the male ego or their reaction when I was writing this. We should write something together focused on some of the things that you found to be most effective in how you came to your understanding, your new found sense of self. It would be nice for both genders to understand each other (for once :) ).

      Thank you for the compliment, dear friend! Really honored!

  2. I can understand where you are both coming from. The here and now if there are things someone needs to work on then we should find a way to bring it up and let them know that their is a problem. Be there for them and try to help them figure out what they need to do to fix it. But at the same time how long can you wait for some one to decide that they want to take your help or consideration that something is even wrong. Before you decide enough is enough and it is time to remove yourself from what is going on? If the person see’s there is a problem and they are willing to fix it then no you shouldn’t turn your back on them if they are actively working at it. But if they don’t bother or don’t want to then you can’t force them too. Then why are you going to be unhappy because you can’t change them or get them to change. everyone is under their own free will.

    1. In either case, it is a difficult place to be. Right? Because the reality of where we find ourselves, what we tolerate, the time we invest in people, & who we choose to invest in is all very individual. What one person thinks is sufficient another thinks it’s just the beginning. The best that we can do in either of these cases is know that we enhanced the person as much as we could and once that is complete you walk away confidently knowing you did all you could.

  3. I love the simplicity of this list (not that things you’re asking us to do are simple, but you describe them in such a direct, simple way that it makes them seem possible). I agree with every single thing on the list, it’s brilliant.

  4. Thank-you for this at such a perfect moment! My daughter especially needs this right now… I will share with her in hopes it will bring healing to her situation.

  5. Great advice! I try to avoid negative people. They suck the life out of me. I interpreted your point, “Don’t think people can change,” to mean, “What you see if what you get.” If you don’t like it, leave or be prepared for a bumpy ride. In fact, if a person meets someone and “change” is the first thought to come to mind, they’ve got a serious problem with the person or themselves.

    1. Absolutely! Most of the time, however, people will ignore the signs of an insincere person or they want to believe that people can be better than what they see. They are what they are! It’s like you said if you meet a person and you notice things that you aren’t completely sure of, those same things will be the stuff that bothers you the most at the end. Thanks for your insightful comments, Lauren!

    1. So glad you found it helpful! We are all in the process of finding love for ourselves, with ourselves and in the everyday. Online dating is just another methodology.

      Keep us posted on your process! Good luck on your journey!

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