Who you date is a function of your self-esteem

I have heard many clients throughout the years tell me that they can’t date someone that they really like because they are out of their league. I’m here to tell you that does not exist. You attract what you think you are worth.

When you are dating you are seeking people that you can relate to, that you admire, that you trust, that you can work collectively with to reach your common goals. In a sense it should be an extension of what you are and someone who enjoys you for who you are and what you will become. After all, you’re trying to find someone that compliments you and that makes you a better version of yourself. How can that occur if you’re working from a deficit from the very beginning? You’re already working against yourself because you’re concealing your insecurities. You’re not challenging your insecurities because the person isn’t helping you realize your fully actualized self. “Dating in your league” means it’s someone that you feel won’t challenge some of the pain you’ve experienced. You are hoping that you can avoid experiencing similar pain, but endure different pain. You just found someone that will keep you living at 70%.

The answer to why you will see a couple that you think “how did they get together” and “why can’t I get that”? Self-esteem! One or both of them abandoned the idea that they can’t attract what they really desire. What you desire is what you should pursue. Not the other way around. If you have a list, make sure you figured out what you want vs. what you need. Ask yourself if it’s based on characteristics vs not getting hurt. Sometimes you replace familiar hurt with new hurt.


101 thoughts on “Who you date is a function of your self-esteem

  1. Hey welcome back!

    I wrote about this at the beginning of the year, hope you don’t mind me posting my links here 🙂

    Part 1
    Part 2

    I know what it is like to feel somebody is out of my league, and when I was younger I was made to feel that way by some girls I was attracted to so naturally those feelings stayed with me for a long time and I was highly unlikely to confess feelings of attraction in future. It has no doubt led me to passing up opportunities and missing out on dates with some wonderful people.

  2. Great post! I think the best state to enter a relationship in is when we’re able to say, “I don’t need you in my life, but more than anything I absolutely want you in it.” When we’re able to be our own comforter and our own healer, we open ourselves up to what a relationship is meant to be. A union of growth and longevity.

    1. Brilliantly said! Thank you so much for sharing your insights!

      Too many people look to find self love and acceptance outside of themselves. Then wonder why they are going through a pattern of bad partner selection.

  3. fantastic. many of us seem to settle into a relationship and then justify by saying everyone is perfect and forfeiting what we truly want and need in a partner. some also get into a relationship because they are lonely, only to find that they have are still lonely once they are in the so called relationship.

    1. Exactly! I think that’s the most common mistake people make. “H/She is better than being alone!” Only to discover that that relationship turned out to be one of the worst.

      But, the truth is that some people aren’t honest with themselves. It’s exactly what you said: they settle. But, all relationships do provide us with data. So, we all learn that those relationships delay our own happiness!

      1. Of course at the other end of the spectrum, some set an unbending list of “must haves” and then can’t understand why nobody can ever match up to it. By all means don’t settle, but don’t set the bar too high either in holding out for Mister Grey or Edward Cullen.

        1. You know what I’m always surprised by? Men that want the model, but are not “attractive” so they lead with their money/family’s money. It’s the funniest thing to watch! Can you solve this riddle for me? Why? It’s about confidence, not bragging. 🙂

          1. I don’t think you can totally blame the men for this state of affairs. Some women are attracted purely to money and power and will only date men with high earning potential – my landlady was one of them. I had a girl turn nasty on me a couple of weeks ago when she realised I had a low income due to setting up in business so you cannot say this is not the case.

            Those men know they have nothing else going for them so they play on the only asset they have (money). Those women are going to keep making the same mistakes over and over again because all they want is a meal ticket. Of course, they are never going to find meaningful relationships – either of them and I have no sympathy.

            As for the average man wanting the model, plenty of women do that too. Look at some profiles it is quite clear that too many women believe themselves entitled to limit their dating pool to 6′ tall Doctors with the body of Adonis and wouldn’t settled for anything less.

            1. I agree with you that both parties will not have meaningful relationships. On the one hand, I want to say that it’s not just that women are seeking meal tickets and that men are baiting money. Because there is a basis for why men & women behave the way they do. Any relationship built around deception, denial, or opportunity is doomed to fail. I want to know why men that fail at this approach continue to use it?

                1. That is so true and from one of them kinda girls it’s because I don’t think it feel like I deserve any better.

                  1. Thanks for sharing your insights Sarah! You are not alone in feeling you don’t deserve better, many people feel the same. But, it’s in the experience of the negative that we define what is positive.

          2. Exactly! i can’t even count the men (mostly older, overweight, unkempt, etc) I have met that want a “perfect 10”, yet barely reach a 5 based on their own criteria for said scale. Hypocrisy at its finest. And I hope this doesn’t come off as sexist, but I can’t recall ever meeting a woman with those expectations. Is this a good thing or bad? Maybe the males are onto something….set your standards high. It will most likely mean a lifetime of loneliness but maybe not…hmmm.

            1. The funny thing is that women get less rejection than men when they initiate. Probably not surprising to many since men’s interest vary and they won’t turn down a good looking woman. 🙂 I wonder if women were to start using these high standards for dating and have the same level of confidence as men do, how many women would be in better or different relationships.

              But, you are right women date based on characteristics and not looks. Men it’s the opposite. I think implicitly women want to build something long lasting and looks change over time and is not super important in the grand scheme of happiness.

              1. That would make for a great case study – I would be curious to see how much the percentage of successful, long-term relationships increases by based on women applying those high standards in their mate search, lol.

                    1. Awesome! Will do!

                      I thought you were back in the dating scene again 🙂 I really enjoy your blog posts! For some reason I wasn’t able to like Aside I & II. Great stuff so far! Keep up the great work!

    1. Aww thank you so much!!! I miss all of the support and love I got from so many great bloggers. I have to admit that I let other projects interfere with how often i wrote on my beloved YOU’RE JUST A DUMBASS! Thanks for the reminder 🙂 Miss your too! I’ll be there all afternoon. I’m sure.

  4. Reblogged this on When The Rain Stops Falling and commented:
    Self esteem and self worth are something I have always struggled with, and this blog post highlights how we attract those we think we deserve. If we think we deserve nothing more than a stupid low life, obviously that’s all we will get – because we don’t think we’re worth enough to date Mr Hottie drinking coffee in the corner.

    ‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’

    So think you deserve the best, because you do deserve the best. You are an amazing person, with so many wonderful and unique traits that only the most fantastic people are worth your time.

    To love another is wonderful, but to truly love yourself is the greatest achievement of all.

  5. Ah. lovely insight i must say. and to add, those with the highest self esteem, are the ones who are mostly independent, with the “i want the best for me, or nothing at all” policy. no wonder im still single. lol. sharing this! 🙂

    1. Thank you so much! So glad to find someone else that completely understands! 😉

      I really appreciate you stopping by & sharing your insights!

      Thank you immensely for sharing my work! Glad to be of service! 😉

      Do you have a blog/twitter account I can follow?

      1. i believe you just followed me yesterday. quite new to blogging really, but i scribble notes here and there and hoping it could be of good use to me or anyone later on. lol. 🙂 keep inspiring!

  6. Reblogged this on NadiaStadnik and commented:
    I have wanted to find an amazing blog like this for so long, this is not only inspirational but SO TRUE. I get the line “you’re to good for me” well we’re both humans so that’s good enough right? Love this blogger, I shall certainly be reading more of their stuff!

  7. I’ve never thought about that in the past.. I’ll keep it in mind, thanks for your advice!
    But….is it also possible to fall in love with somebody that you think you’re not worth and just do nothing for years? I mean…like a platonic unanswered love.
    I think I’ll reblog it! So interesting!

    1. So glad to know that it is of service for you! Oh, absolutely! That happens very frequently. I have seen those relationships approach each other decades later. Some have happy endings, others where short-term, and others just were just relieved to unburden their secret crush 🙂

      Ultimately, though, it still relates to self-esteem and confidence to deal with the answer. Most anticipate that it will be rejection and don’t take the risk. Which is a greater silent suffering than the rejection will be.

    1. I can not dissagre with that,but one trys to look for smeone who is better than we are.

  8. I always say,”Better to have a nice average person, than an exquisite pain in the ass.” The problem with men and women is they often shoot for the wrong things. With woman it is money, and men looks. If both men and women realize the heart and mind is where it’s at, then they would do much better at dating.

    1. You are so right. For some women, beauty in their partner evolves. It deepens as their emotional attachment deepens. That’s why you’ll see people and wonder How did they wind up together!

      I couldn’t agree more! The world would look very different if we based our selection on what we need vs what we want!

      1. I would add that for men beauty in their partner can evolve too. Men get emotionally attached. That is why we cry our eyes out if our love leaves us. It puzzles me all the time when I hear people say,”I cannot find anyone.” OMG! I see great people everywhere.

        1. We see what we want to see! That’s the problem so if the ahole who is gonna take you down a relationship rabbit hole is what catches your eye, don’t complain when tears are flowing from your eyes! 🙂

  9. I’ve bookmarked this link and forget to remember it when I need it most! I think sometimes when we start talking to a new guy who is attractive to many females, we wonder what he sees in us among others or if we’re just a number. Then the insecurities come alive and eventually apparent to the guy. It’s one thing to be open and honest with a guy but probably better to keep certain things to ourselves. Do you think if we change our thinking after the guy is aware of the insecurity it could still have a chance, or might the guy just run in the other direction and never look back?

    1. So glad you stopped by, again, and that you find the blog helpful!

      Ah yes, the age old question 🙂 Let’s look at this from 2 angles. 1) This has to do with how you perceive yourself. Let me ask you some things:

      do you think he picked you because he thought you were not in the top of what he finds attractive?

      did it validate you that he picked you over others?

      do you think that he picked you solely on attractiveness or was it other features as well?

      do you think you offer a potential partner a unique set of characteristics and experience?

      I ask these questions because your answers will be yes. Right? So, you are not one dimensional and because we all offer a unique experience in the world, we are seeking out the person who best compliments who we are and who we are becoming.

      Don’t let insecurities about what you think of yourself relative to others, out shine what you are in total.

      2) All of us have some issue(s) about something because it stems from our life experience. Insecurity is something that can be overcome in a relationship. The remedy is through validation. As long as you both can see things beyond the insecurities, then it has a good chance of working out long-term. If the insecurities are unmanageable even w/validation, the relationship will be a constant detriment to your sense of self. Making the relationship not sustainable because you will always feel secondary in the relationship and not have your needs met. He will grow tired of excessive reassurance and jealousy.

      What do you think?

  10. Spent the day reading older posts on your blog. Now I am going to spend my afternoon on this exercise. Thank you so much. Your blog is a treasure.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.