Want love? Stop doing dumb shit that gets you no one.

“I want tall, dark, and handsome.” So do plenty of other people. “I want barbie who can cook and clean.” Take a #. The problem with approaching online dating this way is that we’re treating profiles like we do our online social networking streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at. We should be efficient and select what we find attractive, but not where it discounts good candidates. Perception is an illusion. You know why? Because #1 person we lie to is ourselves.

We’re living in a self-absorbedie culture. Attraction is the first cut for dating. Are we trying to stand out? Yes. Do we have to go to extremes to stand out?

Let’s find out:

How many selfies do you take? How many final photos are filtered? A study found that women spend 753 hours on taking selfies and that includes filtering photos. Are these the photos that make it to an online dating profile? Yes. What’s the #1 complaint of online dating that I hear? That people don’t look like their pics! For men, posting selfies has been linked to having narcissistic traits. Not rocket science. It was also linked to self-objectification. Should men pose with tigers? WTF? [Not even lying! Check it out: TNDRGWTPhoto and article courtesy of Diamond Coleman at BuzzFeed] Is that upping sexy? Are men discounting other qualities like their accomplishments, drive, honesty, so that they could beat the guy above or below them?

Here’s what you can do:

Use an accurate photo. Men: No one wants to think they are meeting with a Brad Pitt look-a-like to find Mr Magoo showing up. Women: Most of the time we look better in real life. If the wrinkles bother you that bad, Botox not airbrush.

Online dating shouldn’t be a competition with the person above or below you. You’re looking for a specific set of qualities that compliment you. So is the person above or below you. At the end, you will get what you want and so will they.

Stop being a persona. Be you. Not the guy/girl you think women/men want to respond to. Women get too many messages from “undesirable guys” while men send hundreds of messages in order to get a response. One of the draws to online dating is efficiency. Filtering through hundreds of profiles from people who don’t fit your search criteria and spamming everyone is not efficient.


54 thoughts on “Want love? Stop doing dumb shit that gets you no one.

  1. !!!! I’m not single so by no means do I frequent online dating sites, but having single friends and hearing about their online dating woes and shenanigans, this totally makes me laugh! So true!

  2. My husband and I met online and neither of us posted a picture – it was the quality of the words and the interchanges that peaked our interests. We met when curiosity could no longer keep us apart – 12 years later, still going strong!

  3. Clarissa, I love you! But in a totally platonic blog-friend sort of a way your understand 😉

    As you know from my blog, I’ve been very critical of narcissistic behaviour and people being inflexible online dating. The problem is often that people (I include men and women) have (or think they have) so many options that they can afford to be that picky. They can afford to turn down that man who is 5’11” because she wants a man 6′ or over. He will turn down that 30 year old woman because his upper limit is 29 etc… you’re right, it’s narcissistic to always think you can get better than what’s before you. Lots of people are susceptible to acting like a child in front of the pick & mix.

    My motto was from the start to know what I want but to be flexible with everything else – and it worked. I met 20 people, I made 2-3 friends out of it and after just 18 months found a relationship. My dates came in all shapes and sizes, some tall, some short, some overweight some thin, blondes, brunettes, redheads, some wore glasses, some didn’t.

    There’s a world of people out there and most will have great qualities so don’t be so dismissive.

    1. You simply rock CUCH! You know I’ve been your fan since I read your first post!

      In your blog, you chronicle your evolution in a very sharp yet thought-provoking way. I’m anyways impressed by your honesty & insights & honored to have you dialogue on mine!

      We both share concern about people’s inflexibility and society’s push towards narcissism. For me the most frustrating part is that people don’t really know the difference of what they want vs need. Time and time again, I have seen people let a decade go by looking for these set in stone qualities. Then to find and marry the opposite 🙂

      Treating online dating like an experiment is the best bet. Like you said if tall doesn’t work try small, etc…

      Do you think that a frustration trend will occur?

      1. Aww shucks, you’re too kind!

        Assuming it isn’t already [at the point of frustration] yes. I can only talk about the women’s profiles I’ve read and those I’ve interacted with, but I think people have become so consumed with fantasies and what people (friends, media etc) tells them they should want they forget what works for them or what worked for them with other relationships. An ex is an ex for a reason, but they also must have had good qualities that you looked for to want to be in a relationship in the first place.

        As for this “not settling” thing. Sorry, but people do settle because they see a person has other qualities – it’s called “a trade off”. Any woman who won’t date a man because he’s an inch shorter than her ideal, or a man who won’t date a woman because she’s a size 12 rather than the size 10 he’d hoped for (when those people are otherwise suitable) are completely out of their minds.

        When they do get what they think they want they end up disappointed anyway. Your 6’4″ investment banker is juggling four women and will drop you when something younger, slimmer and prettier comes along. The 18 year old model with skyscraper legs is a gold-digger and will drop you the moment the money and status is no longer as lucrative as it once was. Besides which, those people are likely to be dating each other and the rest of us will never get a look in 😉

        I guess people need to drop the set-in-stone parameters and just learn to be a bit more flexible. People are human beings, they are not commodities or accessories.

        1. I attribute it to selfie culture and the general self absorption that comes as a result of it. People have adjusted communication and human interaction to text and through devices. When I give presentations now people are hardly see people looking up from their devices any longer. When you walk in the street people are texting instead of watching where they are going. Online they are scanning for the best photoshopped picture. We have commidified human beings.

          In the cases you described, I think that people search primarily based on what their lifestyle is or want to be. They tend to stop at that and perhaps ignore other factors. I do agree that a great majority of people wind up settling given the divorce rates in the US. I don’t know that you really look at it as settling at the time. I think most people think that’s the best they’ve encountered before they marry. I want to reduce the divorce rates here CUCH 🙂

          I still think people are basing decisions on superficial data, less human interaction, and improved lifestyle outcomes. Which would be fine, if you were shopping for a car 🙂

          1. Perhaps I should have been a bit more specific. I know you are an advocate of people not settling but I think the term has been perverted in modern times.

            “Not settling” should mean you’d never want to end up with someone who has no qualities that appeal to you, someone you could never love or find connection with. Yet today “not settling” has become that extra pound of weight, that lacking one inch of height, or because they have freckles, or wear glasses or wear a C cup bra when you wanted someone with D cups, or somebody who is a Ward Doctor when you want a surgeon and so on and so forth. Nobody ever got divorced because he was an inch too short or her breasts weren’t big enough.

            It’s narcissism to think that you automatically deserve everything you seek in a partner and cling to that fantasy as something noble and empowering. – it’s not. I found what I wanted purely because I was prepared to be flexible.

            1. I think not settling is more to do with knowing who you are and what you want. I think that while we learn what we want vs what we need we discard the things that don’t work. Can that be perceived as settling? Perhaps. But, I think it’s a better framework than being rigid and alone 🙂 We agree, we just use different frameworks.

              It is within flexibility that you find love. What you think you want is based on what you think you deserve which is based on your sense of self and self-esteem. Both factors modify with time. What you need changes based on that evolution. Some people continue to hole onto what their former self wanted, but want to be a more aggrandized person. Einstein said it best “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

              1. What you say “settling” is, is the definition it should have – I am not arguing on that point.

                What I am saying, it that it’s been distorted from that context. People twist the meaning to justify their inflexibility and narcissism. We may be splitting hairs, but I think we seem to agree on both of these points.

      1. Well, I mean I’ve quit permanently …I’ve just grown to hate it so much, & on the other hand, it’s just so freeing that I don’t have to wait on some dumb female to hope to find me interesting! If you ever want to do an “all time worst” list of dating sites to stay away from, hit me up…I’ll be glad to help.

  4. I agree with this. We live in a society that celebrates the filtered selfie. It’s like we’re afraid to just be ourselves. I think the more vulnerable you make yourself the closer you will be to finding someone who will appreciate you as you are. I can’t believe the selfie statistics you mentioned. 753 hours?? Don’t they work or have a job?

    1. I agree with you 100%. Having vulnerability creates a more honest version of the self.

      LOL girl, I thought the same thing. Why are we becoming so obsessed with taking a picture at arm’s length thousands of times? SMH, girl, SMH!

    2. Erynn, that is why I’ve TOTALLY given up on women as well as on humanity…NO ONE wants real anymore…& pardon me, but hardly anyone gives a f–king DAMN anymore about it! Example: if people curse (like I just did),…people want to focus on the cursing, instead of what is actually making someone frustrated enough TO curse – it’s like they want to treat the symptom of the disease instead of the disease itself! It’s frigging stupid!!!

      1. I can completely agree. It’s sad because what makes life so beautiful is having the opportunity to experience it yet we spend 753 hours taking selfies and updating our statuses on facebook instead of just enjoying the moment. We text instead of engage in quality conversation. It’s all very sad…and scary. Everything is about avoidance it seems.

  5. This article cracks me up. So many shallow people trying to improve what the eyes see and not matters. I found a woman to love me for who I am. I love her for who she is. We are going to grow old and watch each other fall apart. She will always be beautiful to me for the way she makes me feel.

    1. Thanks for sharing your insights and story with us! I couldn’t agree with you more. It is about the quality of the relationship that has endurance; beauty deepens with love while the physical changes. Glad you found your true love. It’s a really amazing experience. Love your name BTW.

      1. Beauty deepens with love. Wow! You sure got that right little Yankee. I am with the most beautiful woman. To see her smile…it lights up my day. I could spend all day and all night talking with her about anything. She is my best friend. When she is not around, I am still thinking of her. She is never farther than one thought from my mind. Her touch is electric to me. As for the rest…that is between me and my love.

        1. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so happy you found the love of your life. Your story affirms what my post is about. It is about the beauty within finding your true love, experiencing that love, and the bliss it comes with. My wish for all those that are single is to experience a love like yours.

          But, let me ask you this do you both spend 753 hrs taking selfies? LOL

          1. I hate taking selfies! The only reason I do it is because I have to to have a comparison with my past events, but damn…selfies DO make someone look egotistical, even if they aren’t.

            1. The funny thing is that selfies are supposed to be chronicling a person’s moments, but half of them aren’t even flattering. A side angle of someone with ducklips doesn’t convey their beauty. It conveys their lost in a see of other similar faceless people. Are we moving towards being awake zombies?

          2. Most of our pics are low res. One take only. Not interested in best pose or make-up or what clothes. I see her eyes and her beautiful smile and my mind seamlessly clips the image into a memory. So, looking at a photo is the same as looking at her for me. All of my pictures get prettier every day.

  6. These are really great points. We should be real, not a persona.When do woman start being themselves in a relationship? When do they get comfortable enough to not wear make-up and not care what their girlfriends think?

    1. Thanks for your feedback! I am not sure that women or men have a timeframe in which they begin to be themselves in a relationship. That has to do with a sense of trust and intimacy that will be achieved by the person.

      LOL at the make-up question. It’s also related to comfort by intimacy achieved within the relationship. We all want to be attractive to our partners. I think that selfie syndrome is making people much more objectified. Their worth is attached to likes, +, shares, RTs.

      Dependence on friend’s advice is also a gender-neutral thing. Women need to express emotion more often than men. It’s like watching sports for men.

      Are you referring to you being compared to what the gf’s say?

  7. My baby goes out with the girls on Tuesday nights. I get the feeling they use each other as a barometer for what’s acceptable in a relationship. She comes home later and starts comparing me to her gf’s bf and how I now need to do because some other dude is apparently doing it for his woman.

    1. Ahh I understand. That dissatisfaction is due to a lack of intimacy and a bidirectional communication pattern that needs to be established.

      Some women do rely on venting as a method of coping in the relationship. You might want to decrease her reliance on the friends about the issues in your relationship by helping create solutions that work for both of you.

  8. With the scrunch,jut, photoshop, and creative lighting some of these girls look amazing in their profile. I went to meet one “model” and asked if she was in a car accident since the photo was taken. Why do people think they can start off on a positive note in a relationship after luring you in with a lie.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Jason. That is an excellent point. Online or off, people want to portray what they think will be desirable to someone else. Quite possibly because they are striving to be that or they are dissatisfied with aspects of themselves. All of that may be underlying the self-absorption that is occurring with selfie culture.

      But, really did you say that to her? SMH

      1. I have been looking at profiles more closely since reading your post. It is amazing to me now. i really do think people are spending way to much time trying to get the “model” look. I see a lot of amateur photo-shopping going on now. Thank you again for this post.

        1. I think it’s deceptive to include filtered pics, but get mad when someone uses an old photo. It’s the same thing. Glad you found the post to be helpful and of service to you! Thank you for sharing your insightful comments!

  9. Online dating is a scam…now the truth is that I am single…and I have a lot of personality and physical flaws that make me relatively undesirable to the opposite sex…but internet dating is a scam…get off your ass and go out and meet real people…

  10. Great honest take! Your insight into the idea of persona projecting hit the nail on the head. After all, are you going to project that persona the rest of your life? No, then we’re surprised when the person falls out of love with us. I also enjoyed your perception point. I once did a simple graphic that stated, “Perception is nine-tenths of attraction.” We really need to learn to perceive what is there. Not what we want to see. Great article!

    1. Thanks so much, Aramsey! I really appreciate your kind feedback! So glad you found my article insightful and helpful!

      I like the 9/10 analogy you coined! The sad thing is that faulty perception applies to almost every aspect of life. Maybe some can’t discern the difference when it comes to relationships because they have developed a life system that incorporates so much faulty perception to begin with.

      1. Very true. A problem at the root. Still, a challenge to change your own perceptions. A challenge worth taking on. I like how you encourage them to work with what perceptions they have. Just be true to them or fix them! Dang it any way. I’m going in circles. Great advice 😉

        1. Thanks, ARamsey! I am glad that you like the techniques I designed. I am a Behavioral Scientist and am sharing some of the techniques I created over the course of my career.

          I really appreciate your kind words!

          Looking forward to reading more of your exceptional work, too!

  11. Good post,
    Now had so many meets im left feeling like I’m snow white
    5ft 6 and over must mean 5ft 2… In man world..😂😂😂
    & Not shallow we have things we like don’t like ..& personally i don’t like feeling like feeling like big bird …
    But I will endeavour with my search and not take it to seriously, when its meant to be it will be x x

    1. lol i hear you jenny 🙂 no need for you too drop your standards! you shouldn’t!

      thanks so much for your kind words! I really appreciate it!

      i am confident you will find the right person for you! you can’t take it too seriously. it has to be fun and organic, not about sticking to a list that is meaningless. 🙂

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