Ahhhh the tangled web we weave

I have to say that I wasn’t surprised that a site like Ashley Madison existed, but that the Impact Team hacked it for the greater good, did. “Will The Impact Team be hacking any other sites in the future? If so, what targets or sort of targets do you have in mind?
Not just sites. Any companies that make 100s of millions profiting off pain of others, secrets, and lies. Maybe corrupt politicians. If we do, it will be a long time, but it will be total.” Impact Team to Motherboard.vice.com 

hmmm So, what did this grand social experiment demonstrate? Nothing new. That some people who want to cheat will? Let’s look at other not-so-surprising details. People are shocked that the site contained fake female profiles? Of the 37M users, only 5.5M were women. If you go onto POF, some men start their profile with DON’T CONTACT ME IF YOU’RE FAKE.

Ok, let’s look at what other things shock people. That people paid for privacy and their data was revealed? Wait. What?!?! You mean to tell me that someone created a business model capitalizing on your indiscretion and desires for a profit on the INTERNET?!?! You mean they took your money and never did what they said they would do? Paid delete=the Nigerian Embassy wants to give you 3.3M USD.

Of course, when you are looking to be discreet, you naturally log on during work hours, right? Sure, but from your work email or computer? AND you work in the government? OR better yet, you build your platform around family values?

Oh, the CEO stepped down? No way. Could it be all of the encounters he had off the site, the massive law suits, or the threats he’s getting by the minute?  “Life is short, Noel Biderman. Have an affair.”

Oh ok, since you didn’t think any of that might happen, let me tell you what might happen next: divorce, losing your home, losing half your shit, and maybe joint custody. Gee, isn’t that what you were trying to avoid? 

Divorce lawyers and the housing market thanks you.


35 thoughts on “Ahhhh the tangled web we weave

  1. I wrote about this the other day. I’ll sum up by saying that two wrongs don’t make a right and that not everybody on there was a cheat. I signed up about four years ago when I was investigating the extent of my wife’s cheating. I left no stone unturned – I had to know what else she was getting up to. She wasn’t on there, but there is the possibility that some of my personal details were released.

    Let’s not forget open relationships and people who have their partner’s permission for being on there.

    Two wrongs don’t make a right and some of the members are innocent victims despite the media’s black and picture.

    1. I am sorry you had to go through that with your ex-wife.

      Oh I agree with you whole-heartedly. The media is sensationalizing and taking advantage of the shock value. Nonetheless, we have to look at the human impact this does have. We can’t just look at it in awe.

      People know their spouses are cheating way before they begin searching for clues. It’s the horror of confirmation that’s the real shocker.

      You don’t want to believe that your spouse would cheat on you, but if you suspect it AM made it easy for you. Then the sadder part comes in. What about the divorces that will come if it? What about those that are in abusive relationships and see no out? What about those that want to leave, but can’t?

      1. Agreed, but doing something illegal is not the way to handle it. These people are not saints, they are not vigilantes. The ends do not justify the means.

        Just something to think about.

        1. Noone wins in this scenario, dear CUCH! Not the hackers, not the innocent, not the guilty. It made us aware of how easy it is to have personal data leaked and that some businesses are not the most ethical.

          I find it all ridiculous. From the site’s creation to it’s downfall. Bottom line is you create a business model capitalizing off of pain, deception, and degradation and don’t think that it will have some reciprocal effect? Come on.

          I don’t think they would have been hacked had they been running a clean operation. Those hackers were previous employees. [What were your motivations for the hack?
          We were in Avid Life Media a long time to understand and get everything. Finally we watched Ashley Madison signups growing and human trafficking on the sites. Everyone is saying 37 million! Blackmail users! We didn’t blackmail users. Avid Life Media blackmailed them. But any hacking team could have. We did it to stop the next 60 million. Avid Life Media is like a drug dealer abusing addicts. Source: http://motherboard.vice.com/read/ashley-madison-hackers-speak-out-nobody-was-watching ] I’m just saying. Just something to think about.

          1. “clean” sites get hacked too. It happened to PayPal once, it happened to ebay.

            So people like me, who opened an account not to cheat but to catch a cheat – and those who are on there with their partner’s blessing because they are in an open relationship where they give full disclosure of their action, we are collateral damage now?

            I should feel justified at this as a man who was cheated on by an ex-partner, but I don’t. If anything, it shocks me sometimes how often we justify doing illegal things to reinforce our moral outrage.

                1. Me too…I actually wouldn’t be surprised if AM had planned a mass “outing” like this from the beginning. Not that that would be a reason to scam people out of money (I.e paid accounts), but stranger things have happened.

            1. I agree that 2 wrongs don’t make it right. In your case, it is unfortunate to be listed as a user. Even more unfortunate to experience infidelity and your subsequent divorce. As a clinician, I am most concerned with the human impact of the hacked site. From the point of anyone signing up for any reason to discovering their spouse’s name on a list. That’s the outcome of the site and the illegal security bypass on human lives.

    2. @CUCH if you think your wife is cheating on you maybe you should put all that energy you put into snooping into learning how to lick her pussy and not being a dick. That would be much more effective.

      1. I’m not entirely sure what part of “ex-wife” and “four years ago” is lost on you, but thanks for the victim blaming. I expect not less from people like you.

        1. Well your grammar is terrible but yes female “people like me” will think your behavior is bad. Someone needed to tell you, you were wrong even if it was four years too late.

          1. Oh wow, I made a typo! Is that the best you can do?

            On what twisted and warped planet do you live on to even begin to come to such a conclusion that looking for further evidence of my wife’s (confirmed) infidelity makes me “a dick”? Are you a troll or do you just lack reading and comprehension skills?

            I long ago gave up caring what self-important people like you think. I’m not in the business of pandering to the delicate feminine egos of the type of women who are incapable of owning their shit and feel the need to blame men for everything.

            I’m just going to file you under “bigoted narcissist” and pay you no more mind.

        1. I feel like some people are surrounded by “Yes” people who think anything they do is fine even when it’s not. Sometimes they need to be told that they are wrong. CUCH was wrong, simply put and hopefully he won’t repeat that behavior.

            1. Because being suspicious indicates a lack of trust & if you don’t trust her your already done. It’s stupid to look for a reason when you have already made up your mind to throw in the towel. Also in my experience if a woman is sleeping around it’s because her needs aren’t being met. Just so you know.

              1. How incredibly arrogant of you and how presumptuous to absolve all women everywhere the responsibility of their actions. No wonder men are opting out of relationships with women like you playing the “always the victim, never the perpetrator” card.

                Also, please learn to read. What part of “she was already cheating on me?” are you not getting. That’s why I didn’t trust her any more. Get it? My ex was already cheating on me. I was merely looking for further evidence of the extent of it. Are you getting that yet or do I need to explain a fifth time?

                While you’re at it and while you’re criticising my single typo above, please note the following for your blog:
                * Lier is not a word
                * Learn the difference between then and than
                * Commas and full stops are your friend – sentences do not need to be in excess of 50 words

                Take responsibility for your actions and perhaps you wouldn’t be such a terrible dater with a terminal case of narcissism.

    3. Wow I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope things are better for you now.

      I will admit to first thinking that perhaps someone who is actively looking to cheat *should* be “outed”…then again, people who looked for other reasons don’t deserve to be lumped in with cheaters.

      1. Thanks Prozac Queen, I am in a much better place. I met many amazing people online dating, made some new friends, had some great dates and eventually met an awesome girlfriend who is everything I could wish for. Some good definitely did come out of the experience, even if there are some people in this thread who bizarrely think I was the one in the wrong :-S

  2. People get caught cheating all the time without hackers, thanks to social media and good old lack of trust. As a real woman on there I benefited immensely but I also benefit on Tinder because I’m not a prostitute or a “model”.

    1. Abso-fucking-lutely social media and the digital age makes it easier to get caught.

      Thanks for sharing your insights. In today’s highly digital world, you can find whatever you are looking for. If you want sex with monkeys, I’m sure you can find some site out there.

  3. I think their business model and their slogan were tacky and wrong but, really, the site is no different than any other online dating site out there. I just don’t understand why anyone would overtly choose Ashley Madison, though. That’s just asking for trouble.

    There are plenty of marrieds and “in relationship” people on OK Cupid and Tinder (the extent of my current online dating experience). Plus, you don’t have to be married to be on Ashley Madison. My ex-husband’s ex- best friend was on AM and he has never been married.

    1. Money is green is what they really meant when they created the model.:)

      Oh absolutely online dating sites offer an array of options. It’s trying to facilitate what people can’t in real life. If someone wants to cheat, they will regardless of a site. A site makes it easier.

    1. I know what you mean. From all angles, for me. Capitalizing on cheating, cheating, divorces, security and privacy breach and deceiving users. There isn’t any good way to slice it really. Other than the profit they made.

  4. Good blog. I always say if you are at the point where you feel you have to check significant other’s phone or use an internet service to check on your mate… your relationship is already over because you have lost one of the most vital aspects of your relationship “Trust.” If you are in a relationship and cheating on your mate. In my opinion there is something inherently wrong with you.

    If you are in a relationship with a person who you know damn well is currently in a relationship, you should check yourself and figure out why you are so insecure with yourself to allow yourself to be involved with someone who technically is off the market. You are also a victim of the cheater. Put yourself in the place of the one being cheated on. Would you want someone you love and care for to cheat you? I don’t care what the story is or the lies about how unhappy they are; or the cheater has told you to convince you otherwise. The cheater lacks common decency and respect. They also lack self-control, and can’t be alone. They begin another relationship before leaving the current relationship they are in. Proving they are also insecure. Not a characteristic that I find appealing. Most cheaters don’t leave their current relationship because of the financial impact they may suffer (Selfishness at its best). They don’t care about anyone except for their self. However, if you are the seducer… Lawd have mercy on you and your mental health! It is a coward who cheats be it the seducer or seduced. Being seduced doesn’t change the fact that you are a cheater and offers no legitimate excuse. Simply put… there is no excuse for cheating period!

    As for the cheater… as to how you behave… You need to ask yourself why and seek some professional help. If you don’t think your behavior impacts the emotional health other than your partner. You’d be wrong. Cheating has a trickledown effect. If you have children, look into their eyes when they learn about your behavior and you lose their respect. Don’t think for one minute your cheating won’t impact your children’s mental health for a lifetime either. Your children will never forget! Best advice I can give you when you are caught and your children find out… own your SH*T, and don’t blame your partner for your lack of judgement and character. Every family member and friend who is involved in your and your partner’s life is effected by your behavior one way or another. You not only have broken the trust of your partner, but everyone close to your partnership will be effected and you have broken their trust as well.

    If you are unhappy in your current relationship. Have the respect not only for your current partner and those involved, but for yourself and leave the relationship before you cheat and/or seek therapy for your behavior. Don’t tell or fool yourself by saying “It just happened.” Nothing just ever happens… the term action potential comes to mind. A moment of pleasure can wreak havoc on you for a lifetime. Do not think for one minute, your affair is not vulnerable to being caught either. The movie Fatal Attraction ringing any bells? Never mind the social media online website services that can track Your A$$ for a mere $19.95. Let’s not forget the term “Google” also is a powerful resource. The word “Google” is mathematical term (10 to the 100th power). If your partner is internet savvy, they won’t even need these services. They can search for your image using Google too. I can’t even count the number of men I have met online to learn within the first 15 minutes of meeting them that they are currently married or in a long term relationship. I call it confession time and now hold the menu for the first 15 minutes or just meet for coffee. I call them out and leave immediately; and I don’t bother to hear or accept any excuses.

    That goes the same for the cheaters who do put on their online profiles as “Separated” too. Reconciliation happens more times than not depending on the circumstances. Besides, if you are separated, you are not “taking a break” nor does it give you permission to date either. You are not ready to begin a new relationship. You at least need one year to yourself after your relationship ends in order to heal. Take the time to find out who you are and what went wrong in your relationship. If you don’t, you just bring your bagged to your new relationship and it will be doomed.

    Check yourself! Otherwise, as Clarissa Silva​ says in her blog… “YOU’RE JUST A DUMBASS and divorce lawyers and the housing market Thank You!”

    1. Wow! Thanks for your feedback and compliment, Linda! Your analysis is brilliant! Can’t thank you enough for helping so many really understand the harsh realities of cheating and it’s effects on all involved. Too bad so many have to go through to get this type of understanding.

      I do hope that people can focus on being happy as a result of this AM tragedy. Hope they can recover from the damage and begin living life happier.

      But, I often wonder how much more detached people are becoming in society. Less and less do you have face-to-face interaction. Are people becoming more impulsive and selfish because they really don’t interact with anything other than devices?

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