Uncertainty. Why? Because there is high instability in the economy, job market, relationships and almost all aspects of life and no viable solution in sight. Yes, the days of life-long employment are long gone. But, that was shifting over a decade now. Back in my day 🙂 I had to walk 7 miles in the snow barefoot to get to work 🙂 lol I was treating my career as though I was entrepreneurial. Each job was hierarchical in salary and title lending to broader marketability and skill sets. Searching for love requires the same level of detail as reviewing a job offer.
You’ll go through clauses in your contract looking for loop holes, right? You won’t accept terms you don’t want, right? Why apply a different barometer to dating? Why not approach dating like you would a job offer? Or are we? Are we accepting any offer just because it’s an offer? Personality drives profession and partner selection. The key to success in either area is self-awareness. At least according to Gary Vaynerchuck 🙂 Are we opting out of romance or dating for ghosting, benching, gas lighting [insert other dating pattern bs here]? For some, sex has become a screener, your genitals have no value, and photoshop is self-improvement. Technology drives dating patterns, behavior and sex. Why not create your own personal algorithm?
Approach online and IRL dating like it’s a social experiment. It really IS. Treat dating like you are collecting data on what you want and don’t want. See what combinations of qualities and characteristics better complement you. Approaching dating as though it is testing out what I call, Your Happiness Hypothesis, can help minimize some of your own expectations. Create an equation (just like the dating sites) that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires.
For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that you’d like to have. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself. Reversing the process of what random pool gets sent to you or selects you.
Tired of meeting people only to find that they don’t look like their photos, or age, or height? PokeDates can fix that! PokeDates is based on meeting in real life, sharing interest in PokemonGo, and just showing up!
“At Project Fixup [the creators of PokeDates], we believe that dating should be about getting out there, meeting new people, and enjoying the world around… not sitting on your computer browsing, swiping, and messaging back and forth. Project Fixup is about OFFline dating, and saving you the hours of time you would spend online to end up with the same date.” – See more at: https://www.projectfixup.com/pokedates/#sthash.yoW4i0Nu.dpuf I love it! No more dealing with fake profiles or trying to figure out what you have in common. First attempt is free, $20 afterwards.
To get started all you have to do is create your PokeProfile! If anyone trying out this new app, let me know your stories!
1 Answer a few questions
Get started by taking our short questionnaire so we know a bit about who you are, what you’re looking for, and what you like to do. Once your questionnaire is complete, it will be reviewed and approved by your fixup specialist.
2 Share your schedule
Once you’ve been approved by the fixup specialist, you’ll be eligible to get fixed up. All you need to do is update your availability so we know when you’re free. Once your calendar is up to date, we will start working to find someone we think you’d like to meet and set you up on your first fixup.
3 Confirm your fixup
You’ll get an email with all the details of your fixup, including a convenient time and place to meet. If everything looks good, just click confirm and you’ll be all set. You’ll only get charged if the fixup is confirmed by both people – there are no subscriptions or hidden fees. Fixups start at just $20.
4 Have fun
Just show up at the right place and time to discover somewhere fun – from your city’s best craft beer bars to their most underrated taco joints – with someone new. Each week, you can have a different unique experience with an interesting person. Trust us, it’s a much better way to spend your free time than in front of your computer screen.
People are attracted to what resonates with them. Online dating is no different. We are treating online dating as we do social media streams; the shiniest object is what grabs our attention. So, when we review profiles we are trying to get a better sense of who you are and what you say you are. If you start with a list of things you don’t want, that’s what you’re going to get.
What men say: Not looking for a gold digger.
You come off as someone who doesn’t want to build a relationship/partnership. Why? Because you’re letting past relationships control your future relationships.
What women read: You got divorced and lost your shit. Does that mean you won’t be able to be in a dual income partnership? Are you blaming your life choices on someone else’s spending pattern? Are you unable to recognize someone that isn’t materialistic?
What men say: Drama queens need not apply. If you have an ex that is a FWB, don’t bother to contact me. If you have baby mama drama, don’t contact me.
Are you hoping to filter out drama queens by telling them not to contact you? Drama queens don’t exist if they don’t have an audience. You just set up a stage for them 🙂
What women read: Your mailbox will be flooded with “F you just because I have a kid doesn’t mean I have drama.” Or “F you just because I have a past that you don’t understand, that doesn’t make me a drama queen.”
What men say: Don’t contact me if you’re not comfortable sexually.
Telling women they shouldn’t have standards, might not get you what you want.Leave the seduction for face-to-face.
What women read: That begs the question: “wtf is he into?” “F you because I’m not into casual sex/hookups/booty calls whenever you want sex, isn’t going to get you either a hookup or LTR.” Or “who the f are you to start with sex on your profile when you claim to be looking for something substantial.”
1. Don’t force fit someone into your life because you are experiencing online dating fatigue. The process of several serial dates with people that you lack chemistry with or experience rejection from people that you think are potential candidates can be very frustrating and result in online dating fatigue. Where you just want to quit for awhile till you regroup. It’s totally understandable. Take a break, if you feel you need it. But, don’t let the fatigue inform who you choose.
2. Meet in real life. The point of online dating is to date, not to have a epenpal. If you haven’t gone on a date after a lengthy back and forth, cut it off. Two things are happening to you while you epenpal: 1) you are creating a false reality about who is behind the device and 2) you are delaying your own happiness by dealing with someone that isn’t on the same page.
3. Diversify your dating approach. Don’t just rely on online dating as the only method of meeting someone. That will create online dating fatigue quickly. Include in your strategy both online and offline because love is a complicated process and has no formula. We can’t create the when and where. We just have to be there.
4. Approach online dating like it’s a social experiment. It really IS. Treat dating like you are collecting data on what you want and don’t want. See what combinations of qualities and characteristics better complement you. Approaching dating as though it is testing out our happiness hypothesis or algorithm can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation (just like the dating sites) that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires.
5. This is the grand daddy of them all! Ready? Men, listen to me: don’t lie about your height. Women hate when you lie about inches 🙂 The reality is that men over 6’0″ in US society is about 15%. Seems like 100% online 🙂
I recently had the honor of being a panelist with Christian Rudder, OkCupid‘s co-founder, on HuffPost Live about his new book Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking). On http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/christian-rudder-okcupid-cofounder-dataclysm/53da6a2002a760346200058e , I had a chance to ask Christian the burning question we all want to know: what are some of the reasons that people represent themselves as what they want you to see rather than the real person that will emerge in a relationship?
Christian attributes that to be something that is part of real life and human nature. He also added that the advantages of OKC is that people can meet each other in real life and determine chemistry quickly. I was hoping that he was going to provide stats about the discrepancy and maybe discuss some of the ways their algorithm may refine the process. Darn 🙁
Other highlights from the interview:
*Women search for men closer to their age, while men regardless of their age still seek 22 year olds. Christian attributes that to men still not growing up and that models in magazines are that age. Check out Dr Drew’s take: http://www.hlntv.com/video/2014/09/11/ok-cupid-online-dating-age-women-men-attraction
*50 year old men don’t usually contact 20 year old women for the realities of a higher rejection rate.
*The hot or not feature is not designed to have everyone flocking to the most popular person on the site, it’s designed to give everyone a chance to pair off with what they find most attractive.
*OKC does not manipulate factual data such as age, sexual orientation, they alter minor details like size of photo to help users have better compatibility results based on their desired characteristics.
Check out the full video for more behind the scenes insights on OKC and let me know what you think. http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/christian-rudder-okcupid-cofounder-dataclysm/53da6a2002a760346200058e
I have recently had the honor of being an Official Hangout on Air during Social Media Week. A special thanks to Google, Google+ Social Media Week, Concentric Media, Nicky Yates for the opportunity to premiere my new online dating concept!
This is a true honor! To have an idea that I developed years ago to have the technology, stage, and support to make this a reality is beyond description for me! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaDNCY_qRP4&feature=g-user-u
I developed this concept to offer people a unique approach to dating. What makes Play Ideal Date different is a mixed method matching system based on personalized attention and online participation. I have created a questionnaire and algorithm that will guide the matching system and the show. All participants will complete a questionnaire and then I will select candidates that I will include as the featured guest. Together with the featured guest, we will determine the key variables of the algorithm that will be used to guide the game on the dating show! Once the featured guest and I have determined the key priority areas that completes their algorithm, I use that to screen for potential candidates to be included in the show. This information will be used to guide the show! Another feature that makes our process even more intriguing is the Google Hangouts cameraman app that allows us to hide and mute our guest from influencing any of the contestant’s answers. Play Ideal Date is designed to be a modern version of The Dating Game and you can find us on the web at http://playidealdate.com.
If you’re interested in participating please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for the questionnaire and show requirements. All of your information will be held confidential.
Many of you know from my last post,The best online dating screener: google+ hangouts, I am a big fan of the google+ hangouts. Since I have been actively using it, I have been doing a lot of research and have created the concept of Play Ideal Date Dating Game. It is a show that will offer participants a unique approach to dating. The uniqueness of the model is that it is a mixed method matching system based on personalized attention and online dating.
I have created a questionnaire and algorithm that will guide the matching system and the show. All participants will complete a questionnaire, then I will select candidates that I will include as the featured guest, then I work with the featured guest to determine the key variables of the algorithm that will be used to guide the game on the dating show! Once the featured guest and I have determined the key priority areas that completes their algorithm, I use that to screen for potential candidates to be included in the show. Together we will use your key priority areas to develop the questions we will ask the potential candidates on the show! It is a modernized version of the Dating Game!
The show is called Ideal Date because in the event that the guest feature is interested in more than one candidate, I simply have helped them find the ideal date, which is simply the most recommended candidate. Future shows will include the candidates that were not matched in that session. Built on the idea that dating should be fun!
Who is eligible you ask? Men & women, 25-55, who are single and have a completed Google+ profile page. The best part of this method are that the Guest Feature will be able to determine some levels of compatibility, chemistry and likeability before committing to a date. After the show is conducted and the couple is matched, I request a simple follow-up to know how the date went.
If you’re interested in participating please email me at email@example.com for the questionnaire and show requirements. All of your information will be held confidential.
As I reflect on the year, I realize more and more that life isn’t always about getting what you deserve. It’s about us all being on different trajectories. The reality is that everyone has the same opportunities at being happy. It’s about the choices we make and understanding how it shaped our experiences. The better we are at understanding why we chose what we did, the closer we get to actualizing our goals.
The things that we experience are temporary. It changes as our perception of the experience changes. Everything has its own unique trajectory. Imagine a ball in flight. The speed and direction in which it travels is dependent on the amount of force exerted onto the ball, the angle of your wrist, your strength for it to travel. The same principle can be applied to our everyday lives. Each person’s trajectory possesses its own unique set of qualities that is directed by each decision we make. What it yields is dependent on the decisions we make around the goal we want to achieve. The better we understand our experiences, we get a better sense of what we need and then we are better aligned to encounter the right set of circumstances and people.
This year, in addition to your New Year’s resolution, write a letter to your 2012 self itemizing the things that you gained, how you grew, and what you’re appreciative of. Whether you: grew from the ordeal of a break-up, divorce, found the love of your life, found a job, got laid-off, gained more customers or started your own business. Think about each thing that you would like to continue and things that you would like to grow from. Everything we go through brings us closer to what we need to actualize our dreams or brings about our happiness. If your goal is to be a better partner in your relationship (your trajectory), think about how your communication style may have improved in the last year or conversely how it can be improved in the coming year (your decision making process). Whatever the situation is, think about what led you to that moment and what you intended on happening. If it is what you intended, apply that formula to other situations. If it wasn’t, revise the process by being more congruent with what you want to achieve. Sometimes when we see it written, we are better able to see some of the incongruence very clearly. When I have reflected on my past experiences, I realized that the qualities and circumstances that I was seeking was the opposite of what I was experiencing. Hope this helps you have the best year yet!
Have a happy, healthy & prosperous New Year!
Honesty, communication, and respect are what I believe are the foundation for any good relationship, romantic or not. If you want to improve your relationships, you can begin with working on your communication and listening skills. Miscommunication and not being heard quickly becomes anger, resentment, regret or disillusionment.
Tips on communicating and listening:
- Don’t assume you know what the point is. Let the person convey what is on their mind before you interject. When you interject too quickly you are focusing on the previous discussion that was a recycled version of the one you are currently listening to and already expect the outcome to be the same. A fight, resentment, introversion, or accumulated anger is what you are trying to avoid.
- Summarize, anticipate, and formulate questions based on what you’re hearing. Strategize by moderating your reaction as the person is talking to you, then respond. The speed in which your thoughts and speech work are two different frequencies. That allots you time to avoid the pitfall of another fight, being misunderstood, or expressing the wrong emotions.
- Be flexible in your thinking about the outcome of the discussion. If ultimately you want x, you may have to be able to hear an alternative method.