The Millennial Virus

Most of the articles and research on millennials is targeted on marketing to them, how we could sell better to them, how we can better understand their preferences, or we characterize the hookup culture like it’s something new. We try to talk about their sexual patterns, how many, how often, variations of sexual practices, birth rates, and on and on. But, we never talk about what I call, The Millennial Virus (c), what they are at risk of. We never talk to them about the risk of getting an STD. Today, NYC announced increases in STDs among millennials. The hookup culture is nothing new-it was AIDS prior to this generation.
So, I conducted polls over quora, google + and reddit and 50% were aware of STD risk, but were unaware of the recent CDC report that states “ages 15-24 make up just over one quarter of the sexually active population, but account for half of the 20 million new sexually transmitted infections that occur in the United States each year.”
Credit: Anqa
According to a study conducted by Downing-Matibag & Geisinger (2009), “nearly half of participants were unconcerned with contracting a sexually transmitted infection from penetrative intercourse during a hookup, and a majority were unconcerned about diseases in hookups that included fellatio or cunnilingus. Most students reported not considering or realizing their own health risks during hookups, particularly those that occurred within their own community such as with someone else on their own college campus”. Another study by Paik (2010), reported “individuals involved in hookups are more likely to have concurrent sexual partners”. Which only compounds disease risk by increasing the spread of infection.
We like to blame Tinder, Bumble, and other dating apps for this behavior, but when I asked where people are hooking up; the top places were:
1. Tinder
2. College dorms
3. Instagram
4. Facebook
5. Bars
6. Clubs
7. Cars
8. Frat parties
When you ask why don’t people prefer to use a condom? The answer is obvious: “we don’t like the desensitizing feeling condoms have.” You know what is more desensitizing? An STD.

Top 5 ironic reasons you aren’t finding the right one

Summer’s here so people try to blame the weather for not wanting to commit (aka the break-up season). The summer isn’t the reason you can’t find the right type. The reason is simple: it’s the irony we create about love and relationships. Here are 5 examples of what holds some people back and how to change it:

  1. Some people allow one past relationship to disallow their future relationships and happiness. Re-read that statement. Does it sound like it makes sense? Doesn’t it sound paradoxical? Aren’t you looking for happiness? Aren’t you seeking out that one right person? By allowing one person to determine your future is delaying your happiness. Isn’t that counter-productive to your goal? The next time you find yourself thinking about the negative aspects of your past relationships, meditate on this mantra: Chalk it up to your ex’s inability to handle your greatness 🙂
  2. Your heart will keep seeking love, but your brain will identify patterns and stop you from seeking love. Harmonize the two by creating a list of the patterns you see. Sometimes you will find that these patterns reveal what you think you need and not what you want. Pay attention only to the aspects that you need. That part is responding to your nature and character. What you think you want is responding to your past experiences.

    Teddy Kelley photo
    Credit: Teddy Kelley
  3. You realize you took for granted someone that is gone and that becomes the very thing you want. Here the solution is simple: you’re just a dumbass. Each person we encounter makes us either realize something about ourselves or inspires us to be better people because of the nature of how they make us feel about ourselves. If you encounter someone that makes you a better person and you didn’t recognize that, ummm what’s my blog called? 🙂 Don’t fret. What is designed for you doesn’t disappear. Keep track of what you wish you still had and seek it out in someone else.
  4. You’re seeking happiness, but wind up settling. Deep down inside, when you’re settling, you know it. Sometimes people convince themselves that it is ok; other times they realize that they want more, but don’t think they can get it. In either case, why live only partially happy?
  5. The very type you don’t initially find attractive is the one you wind up with. Several studies show that when you ask successfully married people where physical attraction ranks in the scale of their relationship, initial looks ranks really low. Don’t believe me? Check out eHarmony’s take: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/little-physical-attraction-deal-breaker/#.V2sAaOsrIlg  Moral of the story: Stop treating people like they are your social networking streams. Focusing on the shiniest object. If you are checking them out based on their looks, chances are so are another 100 other people.

Is Tinder cheating on itself? Super Like?

CSILVAMSW_HPLTinder has been under some heat lately with the app being associated with increases in STD rates and destroying millennials dating experiences.  So, what does Tinder do? Create a new feature called Super Like. “We wanted Super Likes to be really special while making sure everyone can use them, so to start we’re giving Tinder users one Super Like to send each day. ” -Tinder blog

Yup that’s right, now you can reach out to one person a day and hope they respond to you, too. Is this Tinder’s attempt to make the site more monogamous?

In a recent HuffPostLive segment, I got to share my thoughts on Tinder’s new feature Super Like: http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/why-does-tinder-have-a-new-super-like-function/521e53bbfe344436f2000120

Let’s look at it from a feature improvement point: the #1 complaint women have about Tinder is the non-relationship responses they get/the direct hook-up responses that the app is known to be. Super Like may improve the probability of getting less unwarranted communication from users.

From a female user experience point, Super Like as a feature may be an empowering one for women that know what they want. You are running probability on these sites, a distinguishing feature like “I’m not bsing on here don’t bother to contact me if it’s not similar interests” can change the script that is currently being designed in dating. {That women play a passive role and have to be reliant on men discarding them for more kinky and/or shopped photos.}

Tinder was created by the same group that created Grindr, the gay hook-up app. All it did was apply that same principle to the hetero world. Should it have changed their business model before now? Would they have laughed all the way to the bank?

By changing the behavior of the users of the app, it will change the dating experience of the users. Perhaps, women will feel less devalued and men will get more real responses. Ultimately, they will get closer to finding a relationship. What do you think? Is Tinder cheating on itself?

5 types to avoid

  1. The emotionally and financially needy types. Emotional and financial neediness makes you attract co-dependent relationships that, in the long run, don’t fill either of these needs. Both emotional and financial need can be addressed in the short-term (money can be earned and support can be given), but it establishes a false sense of security in the long-term. ITA18FXIBLAlthough emotional and financial neediness takes time to overcome and seems harder, so is divorce. Which will land you in the same category anyway 🙂 It’s better to overcome some of the hardships you encounter so that you can experience the true happiness you wanted in the first place.
  2. Fixers. Stop trying to fix people. You didn’t break them to begin with. Change can happen if the person: a) wants it or b) life forces it of them. You can be a change catalyst if the person is at either of these points in their lives. Other than that, you can’t correct other people’s fucked-upness to your partner.
  3. Sex your feelings away types. Know your worth. If you treat your vag or dick like it’s a common sandwich, why would it surprise you that you aren’t relationship material? You’re deluding yourself and expect the world to give you the opposite of what you say you want and are doing. Level with yourself and others. There is nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship because you’ve been hurt or aren’t emotionally ready for one. Sexing your feelings away doesn’t get at resolving the core issue. For some, it creates a whole set of new issues.
  4. Insecure types. Insecurity makes you stop seeking and makes you start settling. You may not even realize you have started settling because you may have created a relationship that makes you comfortable in your insecurity. If you are controlling or obsessively jealous, the other person will adapt a pattern to avoid confrontation of your insecurity. Ultimately, though, you’ve created a relationship that won’t really address the core issues of your insecurity.
  5. Cheating types. If someone cheats, they’re designed to do it again and again. It’s got nothing to do with you, it’s their ego trying to fill a void. If you’re filling that void through people, re-read #3.

Ahhhh the tangled web we weave

I have to say that I wasn’t surprised that a site like Ashley Madison existed, but that the Impact Team hacked it for the greater good, did. “Will The Impact Team be hacking any other sites in the future? If so, what targets or sort of targets do you have in mind?
Not just sites. Any companies that make 100s of millions profiting off pain of others, secrets, and lies. Maybe corrupt politicians. If we do, it will be a long time, but it will be total.” Impact Team to Motherboard.vice.com 

hmmm So, what did this grand social experiment demonstrate? Nothing new. That some people who want to cheat will? Let’s look at other not-so-surprising details. People are shocked that the site contained fake female profiles? Of the 37M users, only 5.5M were women. If you go onto POF, some men start their profile with DON’T CONTACT ME IF YOU’RE FAKE.

Ok, let’s look at what other things shock people. That people paid for privacy and their data was revealed? Wait. What?!?! You mean to tell me that someone created a business model capitalizing on your indiscretion and desires for a profit on the INTERNET?!?! You mean they took your money and never did what they said they would do? Paid delete=the Nigerian Embassy wants to give you 3.3M USD.

Of course, when you are looking to be discreet, you naturally log on during work hours, right? Sure, but from your work email or computer? AND you work in the government? OR better yet, you build your platform around family values?

Oh, the CEO stepped down? No way. Could it be all of the encounters he had off the site, the massive law suits, or the threats he’s getting by the minute?  “Life is short, Noel Biderman. Have an affair.”

Oh ok, since you didn’t think any of that might happen, let me tell you what might happen next: divorce, losing your home, losing half your shit, and maybe joint custody. Gee, isn’t that what you were trying to avoid? 

Divorce lawyers and the housing market thanks you.

YOU’RE JUST A DUMBASS

Single on Valentine’s Day? Dr Ruth can fix that!

I recently had the honor of being a panelist with Dr. Ruth on Huff Post Live http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/archive/segment/54dd085d78c90a7445000372! For decades, Dr. Ruth has been offering advice on how to improve our relationships and our sex lives. She is still hilarious and amazing! I asked her to share some tips on how to improve our experience with online dating and she shared her advice. DRR_CS_NR_HPL

1. Don’t give out your address 🙂

2. Don’t share naked pictures. Read: No dick pics

3. Meet in a public place. Either a hotel lobby or laundry mat 🙂 Yes, laundry mat 🙂 She said that’s the new pick-up joint! Head to the laundry mat and start chatting up singles 🙂

She dished out on many topics. What does she think of Fifty Shades of Grey? “Not the best piece of literature.” But, the book helps the world understand that women are aroused by erotica and that women are being empowered to take part in their sexual satisfaction. Read: stop faking orgasms 🙂 

Watch the full segment here: http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/dr-ruth-valentines-day-advice-interview/54b54e7c2b8c2a53190000f3

Wishing you all a Happy Valentine’s Day in advance!

 

Want to improve your OKC profile? Christian Rudder tells us how.

I recently had the honor of being a panelist with Christian Rudder, OkCupid‘s co-founder, on HuffPost Live about his new book Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking). On http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/christian-rudder-okcupid-cofounder-dataclysm/53da6a2002a760346200058e  , I had a chance to ask Christian the burning question we all want to know: what are some of the reasons that people represent themselves as what they want you to see rather than the real person that will emerge in a relationship?

Christian attributes that to be something that is part of real life and human nature. He also added that the advantages of OKC is that people can meet each other in real life and determine chemistry quickly. I was hoping that he was going to provide stats about the discrepancy and maybe discuss some of the ways their algorithm may refine the process. Darn 🙁 Screenshot 2014-09-12 at 2.46.55 PM

Other highlights from the interview:

*Women search for men closer to their age, while men regardless of their age still seek 22 year olds. Christian attributes that to men still not growing up and that models in magazines are that age. Check out Dr Drew’s take: http://www.hlntv.com/video/2014/09/11/ok-cupid-online-dating-age-women-men-attraction

*50 year old men don’t usually contact 20 year old women for the realities of a higher rejection rate.

*The hot or not feature is not designed to have everyone flocking to the most popular person on the site, it’s designed to give everyone a chance to pair off with what they find most attractive.

*OKC does not manipulate factual data such as age, sexual orientation, they alter minor details like size of photo to help users have better compatibility results based on their desired characteristics.

Check out the full video for more behind the scenes insights on OKC and let me know what you think.  http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/christian-rudder-okcupid-cofounder-dataclysm/53da6a2002a760346200058e  

Wow!!! I was awarded Top 100 Sex, Love, Lust, and Love Blogs

My blog, YOU’RE JUST A DUMBASS, was awarded Top 100 Sex, Love, Lust, and Love Blogs by stdcheck.com!!!  http://www.cnbc.com/id/101415509

Screenshot 2014-02-25 at 3.40.26 PM

STDcheck.com, the leader in online STD testing, searched over 1200 sites for the best blogs and websites in the sex, dating, love, and relationship categories.

81. Clarissa Silva is not your average single chick with a blog. While she does write about her experiences (which she often describes as “suboptimal,” betraying her background as a scientist and researcher), she does so for the benefit of the reader. After spending time developing techniques for her clients to use to “create relationship wellness,” she decided to share her perspective and wisdom. Her blog is a unique blend of stories about douchebags she met through online dating sites and suggestions for how to date by creating a “happiness hypothesis” and testing it out. Silva’s blend of logic, science, and humor make You’re Just A Dumbass a humorous and educational read.

Thanks for the award stdcheck.com and all the work that you do in helping people maintain healthy sexual relationships! It is a true honor to be among these amazing bloggers! In addition to the tremendous honor of the ranking, we also get $500 in gift cards that I’ll be donating to a nonprofit or giving away at a future event I hold.

Want to spice up Valentine’s Day?

love-u-valentines-day-19080940-1024-768It’s Valentine’s Day and whether we are in a relationship or not, this holiday is designed to remind us about love. Love is not just an emotion, it’s an ability. So, let’s rightsize this holiday for everyone, shall we.

Single’s Awareness Day

I think that a mixed dating method is a better approach to dating. For the simple reason that once you are offline and in a relationship it is the interaction that will sustain the relationship. Although rejection might be a driving deterring factor in public dating, it amazes me that it is not a deterrent in any other area of life you desire. Do we think about it during a job interview, a graduate school application, or salary negotiations?

The restaurants are all packed and serving pre-fixe dinners. What to do? Hmm. Nothing like starting an online dating profile on a day when you know other singles have no dinner plans. These are the two sites that I recommend:

  1. IvyDate is a simple, easy-to-use, matching based online dating website that features Ivy League graduates. All members are reviewed and approved by IvyDate. You are matched up with exceptional singles who value intellectual curiosity, love of learning, creativity, drive and determination.
  2. Matchmaker Café is a Facebook application that allows you to connect with people without being Facebook friends first. MMC sets up members on real dates at a real cafe through the network of a real matchmaker. For many, the advantages are that the app and services are very schedule and time conscious. They make the dates happen and introduce you when you get there. Sign-up is through Facebook, where you can set your own privacy settings.

Amateur/Rookie Night

I recently had the honor of being a guest on Maria Quiban’s MommyLovesTech Sex, Marriage & Romance: Valentines Special on Keeping the Flame Lit! google+ Hangout on Air. The show featured the founders of One Extraordinary Marriage, Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo, who shared some of their tips on how to keep up the levels of intimacy in your relationship while maintaining a balance in all areas of your life. One of the key points that the couple highlighted was to schedule intimacy with your partner that involves no electronic device interruption. Rather than going out on this night, make this your scheduled intimacy night. Another  idea Tony & Alissa recommend is to take it back to a point where you didn’t really on your computer or cell for entertainment, play naked twister with one another!

Tis the season

It’s the time of year where everyone and their momma is having holiday parties. There are some parties that you feel you should go to, that you have to go to, and that you need to pre-party before you go to. In the spirit of festivities  my friend and I had to go to all three in one night. Of course adventures are synonymous with holiday parties!xmas

So, we started off at a bar before we went to the obligatory party for alittle pre-party action. As we try to maneuver  through the crowd, two gentleman walk up to us and offer to buy us drinks. This random act of kindness is because one of the gentlemen are celebrating their birthday. Huh of all things. As we listen to them talk about themselves and how great they are, one turns to me and says “so how about my birthday present?”. Of course! The angle was set up  from the very beginning. “So, you go up to random girls and ask them to hang with you on your “birthday”? Do you both get beyond a drink with girls?”. “Well, he’s married and this place’s nickname is whore house.” What? Really? “Is that right? I’m kind of perplexed because a) your wing man is a married guy and b) you’re using the birthday pickup line at a place that is nicknamed whore house.” “You don’t know how hard It is to get women these days.It used to be so much easier it took a drink.” “I get that, but don’t you think it looks kind of bad that you don’t have friends to hang with on your birthday and your trolling around with a married guy? Isn’t that just gonna be pity sex?” “Hey you think I care what it looks like, I just want to get off. Men want to get off. If he’s not getting any at home, he’ll find some girl with daddy issues that will get with him.” Merry Christmas to me! Finally got to understand what men really want! Thank you birthday boy!

So, we head over to the first party: the you should go one. We are there for 15 minutes and some guy comes up to me and starts talking about what he does. I tell him about my blog. Flood gates. He decides to tell me all about his sexual experiences and casually reveals that he’s a sex addict. “Not the I’ve had sex with almost everyone in this room; the Tiger Woods type.” I would imagine he is making a minor distinction about selectivity. I didn’t want to be nosey. 🙂 This is a high brow party afterall. He divulged his escapades and I just nodded. He turns to me and says “hey, do you want to have sex on the balcony?”. I laugh it off and politely tell him no. He tried this all night long with several of my friends. We compared notes.

We go to the next party. As we are ready to leave, a random women approaches us and starts chatting me up. It felt like I was on an interview. She kept peering into my eyes like she was trying to penetrate into my soul. Felt uncomfortable, but thought nothing of it. Then walks in her husband and complains about being sick and not himself. Because if he was himself he would invite us back to his place for a nightcap. Sweet! My evening would have not been complete till I got propositioned by swingers! And the gifts just keep on coming!

All of these adventures in one night! I have 4 more days till Christmas! Can’t wait to see what else Santa has in store for me! Have a great holiday everyone!