Spring is near, so I’ve been getting a lot of women asking for relationship advice on non-committal men. If you ask men why they are so non-committal, why they cheat, or why they deceive their partners, the #1 answer you’ll get is boys will be boys. Doesn’t help, does it?
So, I’ve compiled a short list of things to help really get to the bottom of how to determine if your man is non-committal or commitment phobic. Aside from the usual signs, check out: Men and Relationships: 5 Signs He’ll Never Commit by SABRINA ALEXIS or or just go on Tinder. 🙂
Here are some subtle cues to listen for on how to gauge if you’re in a non-committal relationship:
- Past relationship references. How he describes his past relationships could be a good place to start. Did he have a string of bad relationships with “crazy” women? If it was “most of them were crazy”, then he’s probably looking to blame others for his past relationship failures. Realistically, he may have deeper issues that he has to resolve that you might not be able to. Most people, especially men, loathe failure. They are designed to try to fix shit. If they couldn’t in the past and it became how they related to women, they hate taking chances. If you stick around chances are you’ll be one of those “crazy” exes.
- I intended on… That sounds good, doesn’t it. But, most people intend on doing a lot of things that they want, but just never get around to it. Marriage is one of them. Weight loss, exercising, you name it. If you don’t act on what you intend to do, it doesn’t happen. When men want something, they act on it. If they aren’t discussing a relationship, chances are they aren’t looking for anything committed.
- Fighting. Yeah, fighting. If you think there’s something better out there, you won’t try to resolve conflict. You’ll just exit out.
The problem, is: Boys will be Boys. Stop Dating Boys. There are actual men out there somewhere. Men, will talk things out. Boys, throw tantrums.
Thanks for your insightful comments Azoil! You are 100% right. There are men willing to commit. The problem is that women will create excuses for bad behavior and begin accepting bullshit excuses.
I think it then becomes easier for men to keep lying in the relationship. They build a relationship around her accepting bullshit. My question is: for what? What is the gain? Has it become so easy to disregard people?
I honestly don’t believe in such, sorry about that. For me, that has just been an excuse for men to be able to do what they want and get what they want. It’s just an end to justify the means. Sorry…
🙂
I think you missed a real obvious one here, Clarissa, and I think it’s one that many women don’t want to hear and most men rarely know how to handle: he’s just not that into you.
Because of the natural hunter in most men, we pursue the women we want and we will keep going until we get her or she makes it clear she is not interested. If he is indifferent to you, chances are he is settling for you and you are not what he wants – that’s not fair on you and it’s dishonest of him It’s better all round if people who don’t want to be in a relationship with the person they are with, simply break up with them.
Thanks so much CUCH! You are so right! However, how do we get men to be more honest about the women they are not that into.
I get what you’re saying about women. They don’t see the cues sometimes because they are desiring a relationship. Some women will ignore red flags just to be in a relationship.
All that being said, it still makes me want to create something that helps people identify flags and make them self-aware. I know you may say that some have to live and learn, but do you think we should do that at the expense of ourselves. Have you heard women crying to you about what they really want and being deceived? Yes, it is hard to tell her oh, he’s just not into you. It has damaging effects to the ego. Just like empty relationships have damaging effects to men.
There needs to discussion on how to get men to just break up /not get involved. And for women to see red flags/not fall for bullshit. So, my question still remains what could prevent that pattern from occurring? Why don’t men just break up/not get involved?
Depends on the man, we’re not a monolith. There needs to be a two-way thing for a start, and an acceptable way for men to be able to communicate. Just as men are expected to understand women’s methods of communication, so too should women learn to understand men – and we rarely feel that women try to do so. That’s one possible answer to why. Some women are not receptive to emotionally expressive men (because they want the stoic real man), that’s another reason we hold back. Society does not permit men to do so, that’s a third. In turn, men need to understand that not all women will flip out at the merest criticism even if he has happened multiple times in the past.
Until people are willing to listen and understand how their partner communicates, they will keep making the same mistakes in their relationships.
Coping with rejection is a normal part of life. Nobody likes it, but we expect men to deal with it and we receive little sympathy in its course. Why can’t women learn to do the same?
But as I said, it’s a two way thing. It’s disingenuous to suggest that a stagnant or rotten relationship is all the fault of one person.
Maybe…
1. He’s a coward or
2. He cares about her feeling but fails to see that he’s hurting her by staying with her/stringing her along or
3. She’s convenient for him and he doesn’t want to go to the effort of finding someone else or
4. And this is one that you might not want to hear… he puts himself last either because of some twisted sense of chivalry or because he has learnt that his wishes and desires are unimportant.
On the last point, I’ve known women nag, pressure and browbeat men into going along with what they want and then complaining when he isn’t compliant and complaining that he won’t talk to her, ignoring that she has taught him that what he wants is unimportant. Who is more at fault? The woman who expects a man to act and communicate only on her terms or the man who has become indifferent, non-responsive and non-committal because he is not being listened to? I would say both, but we need to stop pointing the finger of blame in one direction only; we need to hold women accountable for their own shitty behaviour and their own culpability in relationship communication breakdown.
I became that way in my marriage. My wants became unimportant and I became passive. I learnt that what I wanted wasn’t important – where we lived, who we saw, when we got engaged, when we got married, my desire to remain child-free (thankfully, I never let her nag me into becoming a father).
I realise there are many subtle nuances for why these communication breakdowns occur. When women say “what shall I say to him to get him to communicate?” I only have one answer “have you tried listening to him?” Maybe she has and that’s why she is at her wits end but maybe, just maybe, sometimes the problem is her in that she has never asked him what he wants.
Anyway, sorry about the novel length comment. I hope I’ve given you some potential flip sides to chew over here 🙂
THanks CUCH! You have given me quite a bit to think about, here 🙂
Who is more at fault? The woman who expects a man to act and communicate only on her terms or the man who has become indifferent, non-responsive and non-committal because he is not being listened to? I would say both, but we need to stop pointing the finger of blame in one direction only; we need to hold women accountable for their own shitty behaviour and their own culpability in relationship communication breakdown.
I couldn’t agree more with the point that it takes both partners to work through issues effectively. On the point of women being accountable for their shitty behavior, I think what men fail to realize is that she’s reacting to something that she wants to see be different. The method some women use to cultivate that is suboptimal. The larger problem some women have is making the mistake of thinking men can be as emotional as women and confuse their partners with their girlfriends. Relying on men to be like their girlfriends requires a biological change.
Sorry to hear that you went through such difficulties in your marriage. I can see how much you have evolved as a result of the relationship. I think both men and women sacrifice themselves at different points in their relationship for the sake of the person/relationship. But, one-sided sacrifice creates resentment. Hindsight sucks, though 🙂
I like your list. What I thought you might have included, wasn’t. Can it be possible that he doesn’t know what he wants? He thinks that she might initially be, but discovers it’s not what he wants? Are men more efficient at deciphering between want they want vs need? DO they use this technique to narrow that down?
I agree with you CUCH. Today’s man doesn’t man up like in my day! Life is too short to spend it on people that play such an insignificant role in the overall scheme of life. Don’t waste time with things you don’t want.
Aww I’m loving the bromance happening here!
Why do we have to commit to just one person wholly? Is it a broken system? We are in such a connected yet disconnected world now, how is it that one person can be the only one to handle one other person? We have some many interests, requirements taking our time. We have other people handling our taxes, our children via daycare, and countless other services to handle our life for us. So maybe we need to divide up our lives among partners or a close group. I heard others speak about societies where is it normal for consenting adults to have intimate relationships with a whole set of people. I guess one has to ask them self why they want what they want. Is it because they want it, or it is what society says they should be wanting.
Thanks for your insightful response, Clyde! I have been thinking about this very thing for my next article, but not from a monogamy viewpoint from an illusion of choice viewpoint. Barry Schwartz talks about the paradox of choice being a myth. You can check out his TED talk here: https://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice?language=en He says more choice creates more dissatisfaction. He offers countless examples from selecting jeans to reducing course requirements for American college students. At the end, he says that happiness is generated if you lower expectations in the world of so much choice. Are we commodities? Are we going with the social flow? In some cases, yes. For millennials, the dating culture is a hookup culture. For later generations, it’s a culture of marriage.
My questions are: have we become a society that lets apps create society, are we fighting against the app culture later on when it has failed us, and are we really happy with the choices we make or lying to ourselves about it?
As you seem to be reading, I do not have any of those answers. Just more questions.
btw I see your Ted Talk and match it: https://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores?language=en
Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Clyde
lol serves up 🙂 thanks for linking me to Ryan’s research. it’s an old argument that we’re trying to use to explain modern relationship dissatisfaction. the reality is that at any pint in time, we have the ability to select something that makes us happy. sometimes that requires tough choices and decisions. unhappy in a relationship, leave. finding fulfilment in life are moments. the question remains what brings about happiness? more sexual selection? less communication? less face-to-face interaction? more texting and avoiding?
what say you, clyde? 🙂
Clyde, that really is the problem: people are confused about what they want. Sometimes the best things in life are not what you expected or what society tells you should be. Look at the divorce rates in society. And the irony is that the majority of divorce is filed by women.
We also treat people like accessories more than ever before. We’re not looking for company so much as we are looking for somebody who ticks all the boxes. Some people date in the same way they choose their next smartphone.
Oh absolutely! I have often said that today’s online dating approach is the same way we treat our social media streams: where the shiniest object draws our attention. Is that the best fit? I love your analogy of the smartphone. It’s sad, but true!
As usual, thanks for sharing your brilliance! Can we get more men to be as insightful as you are? 🙂
Thanks for sharing this Clarissa. Men do go after what they really want. When they don’t, they are just looking for sexual conquests. Men themselves do not fully realize that it’s a temporary solution. Women don’t understand this point. So, they blame men for not being able to commit.
Thanks Jason for sharing your insights! I agree with you and understand the sexual conquest and self delusionment. I don’t think that it’s really about women blaming men at all. I think it’s the illusion of a relationship that women get annoyed about. Perhaps women construct a different reality than what really is and that could be the biggest failure for women. Blaming has very little value. Doesn’t help prevent someone from seeing what is in plain sight or having to deceive to get more sexual conquests.
Not just women. Men create fake relationships, too. They want to avoid the negative aspects and only focus on the good in the woman. Let’s face it women and men don’t speak the same language. You can choose to argue with a woman and realize it’s wasted energy or tell her what she wants to hear.
Real men don’t have to lie, cheat or deceive. Women say they want a good guy, but stay with those that lie and cheat. Why is that? Why does it look like some women want fake relationships?
Oh, for sure, both men and women create fake relationships. In reality, till you meet the right person, it’s all fake relationships. In the sense that you’re convincing yourself about what you want vs need, you’re also collecting data on what you want in a future relationship and partner. Which is the answer to your question. What you think you want vs what you need are completely opposite sometimes.
For some men, it takes them a bit to find the right one. It took me a bit and I couldn’t be happier. Love is richer when you find the one. When men are younger the are searching for this type of love and themselves.
Ladies, walk away from men who don’t express commitment in the appropriate timeline. NOT the first date, ok. If it’s been a bit, you should have an answer. If not, run don’t walk.
I do like your point about fighting. That is a tell-tale sign. Men hate fighting. We have to do so much of it in the world, the last person you want to do it with is someone you love. But, you would only deal with fighting and fixing problems if you really deeply care about someone. Good point, Clarissa.
Glad you found your love, Jason! Thanks for the brotip for women 🙂 and for the compliment on my point. Have a great one!
Thanks! No problem. You too!
I like the “I Intended To”… have had plenty of friends constantly searching for ‘The One’, too caught up in the idea that someone is Perfect For Them – there are seven billion people in the world, someone’s always bound to be More Perfect. So, the fear of committing to someone who isn’t right. Ends up, an endless search.
I had a football coach in high school who was also my English teacher. Mid-thirties, single, and often divulgent of his relationship problems. He also had us reading Hemingway…
Hey. Thanks for liking my post :-). I’m sorry if it appears that I am putting this post down. I am 100% not! I just wanted to point out to you that nowadays it’s not just men that are non-committal. Women are too. Approximately 70% of both men and women, in fact. I think it would expand your idea if maybe you broadened it to men AND women. Keep writing 🙂
Thanks for sharing great content and your insights with us! I really appreciate your feedback! You are right in that I haven’t looked at the data for men by women! I will definitely consider an article for men on reasons women might not be committed too!
These sound right on the money. For some reason the MR said he always dated “crazies”. 🙂
Thanks Melissa for the compliment and sharing your insights! Isn’t it funny that they don’t question why: a) she’s reacting to your dumbass and b) they don’t see what they are missing something about the person they are in the relationship with, too!
this is a beautiful topic for girls! I am so much into girl power! I love this post!
Thanks so much chweet! I really appreciate your supportive comments! So glad you enjoyed it! Hope you have a great one!
Look on the bright side;
You’re not the right lure for this dude (non-commital) otherwise they would stay, to your regret, and pay all the token tolls and to boot make your life miserable. Thank your lucky stars.
Thanks for sharing your insights, Miguel! It’s a great perspective for women that are frustrated with constantly only finding these men. Great advice!
You attract what you put out. The problems with a partner are always problems that exist inside you. We are dualistic humans and live in a dualistic universe. The only way to find a partner that is right for you is to be to best partner for yourself. Through daily devotional meditation practice and practicing Non attachment this can be achieved. Love youself and then youll find someone to love you.
I couldn’t agree with you more, E! Thanks so much for sharing your insights and wisdom! It is very sound advice! Too bad so many seek it outside of themselves.
HEY! Wait a minute…I’VE been looking for a commitment, & it has been the damn women not wanting to commit & play all sorts of frigging mind games with me! I hate to go off, but damn it, I’ve been dealing with this kind of crap all my life! All I can say is, WELCOME to MY PERSONAL HELL, BABE!