Summer’s here so people try to blame the weather for not wanting to commit (aka the break-up season). The summer isn’t the reason you can’t find the right type. The reason is simple: it’s the irony we create about love and relationships. Here are 5 examples of what holds some people back and how to change it:
- Some people allow one past relationship to disallow their future relationships and happiness. Re-read that statement. Does it sound like it makes sense? Doesn’t it sound paradoxical? Aren’t you looking for happiness? Aren’t you seeking out that one right person? By allowing one person to determine your future is delaying your happiness. Isn’t that counter-productive to your goal? The next time you find yourself thinking about the negative aspects of your past relationships, meditate on this mantra: Chalk it up to your ex’s inability to handle your greatness 🙂
- Your heart will keep seeking love, but your brain will identify patterns and stop you from seeking love. Harmonize the two by creating a list of the patterns you see. Sometimes you will find that these patterns reveal what you think you need and not what you want. Pay attention only to the aspects that you need. That part is responding to your nature and character. What you think you want is responding to your past experiences.
Credit: Teddy Kelley - You realize you took for granted someone that is gone and that becomes the very thing you want. Here the solution is simple: you’re just a dumbass. Each person we encounter makes us either realize something about ourselves or inspires us to be better people because of the nature of how they make us feel about ourselves. If you encounter someone that makes you a better person and you didn’t recognize that, ummm what’s my blog called? 🙂 Don’t fret. What is designed for you doesn’t disappear. Keep track of what you wish you still had and seek it out in someone else.
- You’re seeking happiness, but wind up settling. Deep down inside, when you’re settling, you know it. Sometimes people convince themselves that it is ok; other times they realize that they want more, but don’t think they can get it. In either case, why live only partially happy?
- The very type you don’t initially find attractive is the one you wind up with. Several studies show that when you ask successfully married people where physical attraction ranks in the scale of their relationship, initial looks ranks really low. Don’t believe me? Check out eHarmony’s take: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/little-physical-attraction-deal-breaker/#.V2sAaOsrIlg Moral of the story: Stop treating people like they are your social networking streams. Focusing on the shiniest object. If you are checking them out based on their looks, chances are so are another 100 other people.
This is a great article, I personally believe that you can’t open yourself to new possibilities while looking over your shoulder. Embrace the possibilities and the universe opens doors – every time!
Thanks for the compliment and for sharing your insights with us, Veronica! I couldn’t agree with you more. Too often people ruminate and stay in that space of self-pity and negativity and wonder why things aren’t changing in their lives!
Letting go of the past isn’t that easy. It can keep you away from relationships for a very long time. Because let’s be honest: who likes to be hurt or think that that kind of hurt won’t occur again? Sometimes the option to be alone is easier.
Great article, BTW. Thought-provoking.
Thanks Jay! I really appreciate your honesty and strength! Yes, you can avoid pain for as long as you want, but you are still avoiding happiness, too. Everyone knows their tolerance level, taking a break from dating is the best option. But, if it’s for the reason of avoidance, then it’s not fear of hurt, it’s fear of rejection.
touche! and for some it is. because rejection also causes hurt. so why not avoid it. you can hide behind a fake profile, fake account, fake photos and still flirt with people. online has made that so much easier. you don’t have to leave your room.
Yes, but that’s still avoidance 🙂 that doesn’t help get over the fear of hurt. It creates a new version of hurt: the I created a fake profile and that gets more attention than the real me 🙂
that is soo true! wasn’t that what catfishing was all about? weren’t they hiding behind a profile because they were obese or something? but, anyway, it is the society we live in, i guess. people blame social media. do you think it’s social media?
Jay, in a lot of ways social media has enhanced our lives and in other ways it has deterred our lives. Especially when it comes to dating. I did a HuffPostLive interview with Dr. Sue Johnson and we covered some of the deficits on human interactions. You can check it out here: http://yourejustadumbass.com/2014/06/26/is-there-a-science-to-love/
thanks a lot. i will check it out. again, thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights. not that often that we have access to talk to a behavioral scientist. also the effect of the internet.
It’s my pleasure! Glad you find it to be useful and of service!
You went right to the heart of matters. Everything you touched on makes sense. I relate to several of these points. Especially the patterns. Thanks for sharing these insights. You’ve given me much to think about.
Thank you so much for the compliment and support, Linda! I am soo happy that you found my work to be of service to you! Glad it was thought-provoking! I love your blog! You are so inspirational! Thank you for stopping by my blog!
Very good blog. I just read it. I’ve recently broken up with my gf of 18months, and I’m worried that I’m going to end up doing this (compare everyone else I meet with her)…therefore, because I’m aware of it, I probably won’t. I’ve decided to take 6months off from dating, and I’m actually fine with it. There were some “red flags” that I saw while in that relationship, that I couldn’t deal with, and I’m fine with those standards, because it shows that I do have standards to begin with. Right now, I just need “me time” to work on myself. I know that phrase sounds “hokey and stupid”, but it also happens to be true.
Thanks for the kind compliment on my blog! Glad that you are deciding to become more aware of the patterns you employ in relationships and take time for yourself. It’s a smart strategy to avoid further unnecessary pain. Keep me posted on your progress!
The anonymous comment above was mine, I forgot to leave my info.
nice to hear from you kerry! so glad to hear you are doing so well!
how did I miss this educative piece
thanks so much! i am so glad you found it helpful!
So glad you found it helpful, Tobechi74!