Self-deception at its best

Best WTH lines I have heard so far:

1. “Dating while you’re married isn’t cheating”. Explaining some of the difficulties of a marriage after years of divorce. Grounds for divorce: not performing marital duties! WHAT? “Oh really? No sex for you? Uh, perhaps the key reason for that is that they were dating while you both were married”.

weddgring

2. “Found out he is married, living with her and is expecting a kid with her, but we are going to go ahead with planning our wedding”. After hiring a private investigator, crashing his car & wrecking his apartment (after breaking & entering).

3. “I know that we are different religions and that everyone has turned their backs on us, but it’ll work out”. One year and several re-locations later, “We got divorced”. What? “Yeah, turns out her family had a hit out on me!”.

4. “She’s a little too much to handle sometimes, but I’m getting used to it”. After throwing F bombs & Christmas gifts across the room at her in-laws. The trigger phrase: “You didn’t have to get us anything, your presence is gift enough!”.

5. “I don’t bring my partner to any of my social engagements because I don’t want anyone knowing my business”. As they tweet, instagram and fb throughout the entire night enough information that if the cops needed information about their whereabouts, it would suffice.

If someone told you relationships are easy, they lied!

Relationships are not easy. They become less difficult over time. Everyone deals with their past differently: some deny it, repress it, aggress it or accept it as part of life’s cycle. The reality is that when you’re in a relationship you are dealing with another person’s experience and issues and your own. Together you are creating a shared experience while learning one another. Relationships are the place that you challenge your own experiences and your perception of how life ought to be. Eliciting emotions out of you while trying to create a healthy relationship is where some difficulties arise because we resort to the mechanisms that were most useful to us prior to the relationship.

Here are some questions to determine the health of your relationship and what mechanism you are using to cope with them when you are experiencing difficulties. Keep in mind that sometimes we are using all of them.

Key #1: Honesty

Question about the relationship: Is the person deceptive to you?

Question for you: Why do you want to live in deception?

Maybe you don’t want to deal with a painful past event/memory and the person’s truth is a painful reminder of it. Sometimes we don’t want hear the truth, so that we can act like it doesn’t exist and for it not to be real. It’s harder to hear things that would help move from a negative state of perception to a positive one, so people that love you want to protect you from what can be hurtful. However, deception creates mistrust and feelings of betrayal, which are harder to build on.

Key #2: Conflict Resolution

Question about the relationship: Does the person blame you or others for their life’s setbacks?

Question for you: Do you make them aware of taking responsibility for their decisions that led to their actions?

Taking responsibility for one’s own actions is a personal thing not a couple thing. It’s based on the individual’s personal decisions and choices. I don’t believe in you get what you deserve. You get what you chose. If the person isn’t learning you and vice versa, you are in a relationship with yourself. You’re treating yourself the way you want to be treated and hoping that the other person will in turn do the same for you (on the same/ any level). Not taking responsibility for one’s actions can lead to devaluing the other person. The person isn’t valuing what you do for them because they have relied on others to assist them. While assistance from others is what all of us need from time to time, when that assistance turns into a negative outcome like a life setback, it can be easy to turn that blame on the person who provided the assistance.

Key #3: Equity in the relationship

Question about the relationship: Do you feel like you give more than you receive?

Question for you: Why do you feel you have to do things?

Often times people don’t fully appreciate the effort, time and planning related to the things that their partner does. I’m not talking about cultivating romance. I’m talking about daily living and functioning. E.g., If you’re preparing dinner for your partner and prior to you they were used to ordering out or restaurants, they became accustomed to someone else preparing their food. Their needs are being met. The time, effort, and planning isn’t part of their equation so it isn’t reciprocated. That differential is what can cause resentment.

When you look back at anything you got that you really wanted, you’ll see that it took significant sacrifice, time, and effort. That’s what made it even more worthwhile. Didn’t you appreciate it? Didn’t you celebrate it? The same rule that applies to things apply to people.

How to get what you want.

Honesty, communication, and respect are what I believe are the foundation for any good relationship, romantic or not. If you want to improve your relationships, you can begin with working on your communication and listening skills. Miscommunication and not being heard quickly becomes anger, resentment, regret or disillusionment.

Tips on communicating and listening:

Don’t assume you know what the point is. Let the person convey what is on their mind before you interject. When you interject too quickly you are focusing on the previous discussion that was a recycled version of the one you are currently listening to and already expect the outcome to be the same. A fight, resentment, introversion, or accumulated anger is what you are trying to avoid.
Summarize, anticipate, and formulate questions based on what you’re hearing. Strategize by moderating your reaction as the person is talking to you, then respond. The speed in which your thoughts and speech work are two different frequencies. That allots you time to avoid the pitfall of another fight, being misunderstood, or expressing the wrong emotions.
Be flexible in your thinking about the outcome of the discussion. If ultimately you want x, you may have to be able to hear an alternative method.

Stop the head games you play with yourself!

Just because you had a negative experience doesn’t mean that you’re going to have another bad experience. I have often said that relationships should leave visible scars rather than psychological scars. Simply because physical scars heal within a specific time and sometimes are reminders of what not to do, while psychological scars can act in the complete opposite where you can become imprisoned in your mind and body.

Here are some tips on how to avoid the head games you play with yourself:

One of the key elements about a relationship is that it should make you a better version of yourself. If that is not happening, you have to exit while you still recognize yourself.
You allow yourself to be used. Ask yourself why you allowed it in this case and not others or why you continuously let them use you.
There is a reciprocal nature to the universe. Let the universe take care of it. Don’t ruminate about the relationship.
Don’t victimize yourself post break up.
Don’t relive negative events that occurred in the relationship by recalling what happened or extract an aspect to persecute yourself over again. You’re torturing yourself & subsequently delaying your own growth.
Don’t lie to yourself. One of the keys is that you have to be honest with yourself and in defining your truth; you have to come to terms with it.
People are who they are, not what you want you want them to be or what you would like to see them become.
Don’t ascribe unrealistic expectations to people. People’s reality is shaped by their experiences which shapes their perception.
No repeat performances. Time post break up simply created distance, not fondness. They are your exes for a reason. You keep moving forward, not backwards. Re-read #6.
Develop further or refine your list of what is compatible for you.
Further refine your happiness hypothesis.
If it reached your threshold of what’s unacceptable, it’s unacceptable. Some people dismiss porn being played in the background while you’re trying to have a conversation, some dismiss cheating. It all depends on your tolerance level. None of it is wrong because it’s how you define your happiness.

You couldn’t even turn off the porn?

The stats on this guy:
Age:	40
Occupation:	MD
Seeking:	Long Term Relationship

Lavalife, like most online dating sites, has several search options. I met him in the LTR chat section. We had a lot in common, we were getting along, he seemed really interesting and it was mutual. So, we decide to have a phone conversation, where we talked for an hour! We were intrigued and excited to see each other based on a really interesting conversation.

We decide to meet up a week later. Chemistry was great, we were both very attracted to each other, very free-flowing conversation, overall had a great date. He called me that same night reiterated his interest and wanted to go on a second date. Cool. The whole week we we’re texting each other every day. Second date was better than the first. I mean he not only practices medicine, he also wants to perfect a technique to improve recovery time on patients. [You can just picture small kittens at this point]. Really nice guy, sweet, compassionate, a little bit of a homebody for me, but all around good guy. Definitely looking forward to our next date. Finally I break my serial one date online dating pattern with someone who I was very intrigued by.

Same thing: he calls me when the date is over. This time he has noise on in the background so loud that I had to comment. It sounded like porn. “Is that porn?” “Yes. I can’t turn the volume down.” And continued his conversation. I tried to go with the flow. Shush don’t judge. But the screaming kept me very unfocused. Doesn’t bother to pause it or anything that might make sense. So, I simply say “Is she screaming?” Quiet, then in a very breathy voice says yes. Nice! “Are you jerking off?” In shorter breaths says “I’m thinking about your ass!” Then cums. I naturally hang up, not because I don’t like a little phone sex. I just like to know that I’m gonna be participating. He continued to call me all night long.

Talent powered by lavalife.

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships!

An Open Letter to Exes Worldwide

Dear Ex,

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships.

It’s not my fault that you failed at the relationship. Why persecute me for your inability to see when you f*d up. Someone cheated on you because you failed as a partner. Face it. You were absent in the relationship and expecting that someone who was present was going to accept your absence. Maybe I was the dumbass for dating you, but I didn’t do it to you. It’s not my fault you couldn’t recognize kindness, love, genuine emotion, honesty, and concern.

F you for not being able to recognize strength and confused it for weakness; for confusing honesty with dishonesty; for distorting trustworthiness with manipulation. All of what you told me where lies because you were still evaluating me based on someone else’s actions. I can admit that now, it’s your turn.

Whatever happened to you, I didn’t do it to you. You can’t go through people to make you better. You have to deal with it before you get into another relationship.

You’re just a dumbass!

Stop dating down!

Ok, so, I told you the WTF? story to tell you this: dating down is a terrible thing.

Most of the time when I have dated down, I was hoping that I really wasn’t or I was lying to myself about who the person really was. I was highlighting the aspects of the person that I wanted and ignoring ALL of the things that I didn’t want. I realized that people are what they are, not what you want them to be.

How do you know you’re dating down? Here’s a list of some things that will help you answer that question:

1. Do your family/friends tell you that the person isn’t a good fit for you?

Let’s face it, sometimes family/friends are on target because they are experiencing the relationship through your experience. What you tell them is what they base their opinion on. They are the first people to notice change in your mood, attitude, or personality. They are mentioning things based on seeing this change. If before the relationship your lifelong interest was vacationing through the desert with your partner and now you are ok with a boardwalk stroll on the Jersey shore, your family/friends will be the first to remind you that somewhere along the line you are going to be very unhappy.

2. Are you telling them and yourself you’re not dating down/settling?

Most of us don’t like to admit that we are dating down. But, when we really look at what we wanted and what we’re getting, it might be that we are settling.

3. Are you settling because it’s: a) comfortable, b) companionship, or c) the dating scene in your city sucks?

Relationships are supposed to be challenging at times because it is a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes it’s the aspects of ourselves we don’t want to deal with, other times it’s the aspects that we admire about ourselves. We have to realize what we project into the relationship. We are supposed to be a better version of ourselves in our relationships and compliment each other’s goals. If that’s not happening, it might be settling for one or all of the reasons above.

4. Are you justifying the relationship to yourself by requiring just the basics (i.e., they won’t cheat, they don’t like to go out much, they need you to help them, etc)?

It’s amazing how many times I have heard s/he won’t cheat as the primary reason why they stay together. The reality about that is: it has to do with you. It’s either about your insecurity, past relationships, or trust. If cheating is at the top of your priority list, you will most likely will accept different things that are equally unsatisfactory.

5. Are you drinking/eating/recreational drugging more than usual?

This sounds like a no brainer. But, when you are coping with things you don’t want to deal with, you can turn to something to help you cope. You might not be aware that you are bingeing. If it’s excessive or other people are telling you you’re being excessive, it might be more than usual. 😉

6. Are you upset more than usual?

This sounds like a no brainer, too. But, sometimes frequent fighting about things that can not change is you fighting with yourself. Circumstances around the person can change, people take a longer time to change. People don’t change because you want them to; they change because they want to. Circumstances that you were aware of before getting into the relationship don’t change. If they were emotionally unavailable, they have to work through that before they become emotionally available. If they weren’t sure they could commit, you might not be the one to make them commit. Both situations require that the person be in a relationship to change that. You have to be comfortable with the idea that you are just the catalyst. Till you realize that, you are fighting with yourself because you are at a different place in your life than the other person. In essence, you are upset with yourself.

7. Are you replacing things on your list with the things the other person wants?

I’m not talking about compromising. I’m talking about defining what you want based on someone else to please them. Men usually commit when their career is in a comfortable and stable pattern. Women usually look for stability to begin thinking about marriage and having children. That’s two distinct features. Men’s concerns are their income ability, while women are concerned with children, income, and creating a home. Your desires, lifestyle requirements, and dreams are the things that you thought of as the right things to create the lifestyle you wanted as a result of 2 people.

WTF?

This date is courtesy of our beloved match.com. I am walking up to the door and am greeted by a random guy who knows my name. It’s the guy I am supposed to meet. He is waiting for me outside because he grossly misrepresented himself. He used a picture of his cousin because he is insecure about his looks, apologizes, and would completely understand if I didn’t want to go through with the date. Ok, I would’ve been an asshole if I said “you look like a pug dog. I gotta get the fuck outta here.” [Which is what I thought in my head.] So, I decided to go through with the date. I drank one drink while he had 3!

We are wrapping it up. I tell him that I have to meet up with a friend in a bit. [When I was in the bathroom I texted a friend to find out where she was going to be]. Fine. He gets me in a cab tells the cabbie where to go; he goes on about his day. While in the cab, I get a text from my friend saying she is running an hour late. No worries, right? I get to my destination and he calls out my name and is stepping out of a cab!!! WTF?

I had to go up to random f’g strangers quickly tell them that I was on a horrible date and pretend like I know them. Of course these people are visiting from London! Why would they not be? He walks up to us and, naturally, I ask if I left anything. Trying to be as graceful as I can, but I’m pissed. He was just hoping to see if I was interested in having another drink. Again, wtf? So, I said in the nicest way possible that our date ended 20 blocks ago.

So, what does he do? Sits right at the bar and orders himself a drink. I continue to talk to these random strangers who are having a field day with this ridiculous story. What does he do? He comes over to me and taps me on the shoulder and says “can I talk to you for a moment?” Sure and roll my eyes. He apologizes again and asks if I would join him for 1 drink. Uhhhh, let me think, no! I really appreciate that you a) lured me with your cousin’s picture who doesn’t look remotely like you and b) followed me to another location without an invitation.

It wasn’t so much that he looked like a pug dog, but that he thought all of the steps he did were absolutely ok. I would LOVE to know what he was thinking at every step. Should I have told him at the very beginning what I said at the end? Maybe, but I wasn’t expecting to be greeted by him again at the next place! Next time I am going to be an asshole. Being nice doesn’t play out the same way as it does in my mind.

Stop dating assholes!

Let me give you the timeframe: coke & porn and bucket list boy were all within 1 week. I am a firm believer in giving people opportunities.

A friend of mine said “Listen, we all date assholes till we meet the right one.” At the time I thought it was a harsh statement, but he’s right. Not that the people I date are assholes; because who we choose to date is a reflection of who we are and what we think we want. While dating, we are really testing out the combination of qualities, characteristics, and life desires we are looking for. We discover the things that we thought we wanted might not be what we need.

Approaching dating as though it is testing out our happiness hypothesis or algorithm can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that you’d like to have. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself.

The other elements about finding the right person are far more complex. Being in the right frame of mind + the right place + the right time + right chemistry + the person also possessing the right set of characteristics.

You might also find that you will feel less pressure on making the wrong person fit the model and essentially you’ll stop dating assholes.

Sex with a Brazilian woman

Random guy at a bar starts chatting me up. Tells me all about his living arrangements, relocation drama, & work. Tells me how German laws are very lenient around manslaughter. How did we get to this topic, you ask? “Well, in Germany you can rape children and only be put on probation.” Really? “I’ll give you an example. A friend of mine who is involved with the Russian mob, was chasing a guy down to beat him with a bat. The victim is naturally running away, but gets hit by a car and becomes paralyzed for life. My friend served no sentence in prison. He was just put on probation.”

“Wow. Any other secrets you want to tell me about?”

“Yes. I have a bucket list.”

“Oh yeah? It doesn’t involve maiming anyone does it?”

“No. I’d like to have sex with a Brazilian women [meaning me].” So, if you can let me know within the next half hour if that can happen. I’m staying in this hotel.”

“Looks like you’ll be masturbating to the idea, then.”

“You mean you would turn down good sex?”

“Good bye!”

I told you this ridiculous story to tell you this. After telling me about his own shady run ins with the law, that he has taken every drug known to man, and that he had a recipe for crystal meth on him; he thought it was gonna get him laid? Oh and that he is good sex, according to him. People: Am I crazy?

YOU'RE JUST A DUMBASS

Date smarter.