Death of my former self

This is extremely difficult to write, but I think my experience may help others. This post is dedicated to my former self and to those that can relate to what I am writing. I hope this brings you strength and understanding.

I am an interpersonal violence/domestic violence survivor. Let me explain what goes on in the mind of a someone who is the victim of someone using physical force to stop another from doing/saying something.

The first thing you feel is shock. Shock that someone you love can do this to you. Once the initial shock settles in, then you start uncontrollably shaking because you are in disbelief. Then your mind starts to process what just happened. That’s where feeling returns. Was I so numb during the relationship that I missed the red flags? How did we get to this? What did I do to yield this level of behavior? This is not happening. This is not happening. How could this be? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? This is where you’re stuck for awhile. This is where you live for awhile. Then, an even crazier level kicks in: forgiving. I wanted to seek solace in the idea that I wasn’t in a relationship with a version of someone that I created. Because all you hear is that you attract what you put out. Right? Was I putting out a subversion of reality, a diseased version of love? I could’t accept that, so I did the opposite: I told myself that everyone deserves forgiveness & everyone has the ability to be remorseful and be a better from that experience. Now, I’ve went a level further and entered into a world of disillusionment. Not about forgiveness, but that people can change. That’s when I realized that physical violence is end stage. It was all that led up to it that where the signs and symptoms of dysfunction. The insecurity/fears, the lies, the fights that you only become aware of after violence occurs. That’s the beginning of where the abuse started. I wasn’t listening to what was being said I was too busy forgiving, discounting things, believing it was something that it wasn’t. The truth is I was discounting myself. All I wanted was a happy, healthy relationship. I got the opposite.

Now, I look back at who I was and know that people are what they are and not what you want to believe they are. Love is not just a feeling, it’s an ability. Love is complex and exciting. It begins with you.  If it’s not present, a person can’t create it for you. They can make you experience love, but you have to recognize it from within. Now, I look back at my former self and what I lacked and am grateful that I am able to recognize love. It radiates from me, it envelops me, it is me.

Let’s reframe hurt

Inspired by Mastin Kipp’s The Daily Love.

Love is one of the areas that can cause the most hurt. Whether we are looking for it, dating it, or committed to it; hurt will occur. The way you cope with it can determine how you receive love. We all loveknow of relationships that overcome the most catastrophic life events and those that can’t overcome the most mundane events.

If you were the dumpee/divorcee. Forgive yourself for believing in something that couldn’t be. Ultimately, you believed enough in love that you wanted to see it in all things. Even people that may not be designed for you.

If you were the dumper/divorcer. Be true to yourself and happiness flows effortlessly. Perhaps you loved so much that you thought you could be someone you weren’t.

Begin with you. In both cases, extract what you learned about yourself and what you need going into the next opportunity to meet someone.

Ask yourself these questions:

Are you capable of unconditional love? Have you forgiven yourself for your past relationships? Sometimes you have to let go of the pain associated with the past to be receptive to unconditional love. You might be saying “what are you talking about, you’re just a dumbass, I have & it’s not my fault. I tried.” Yes you did. But, the definitions that you currently possesses might not be completely true to who you are and what you are becoming. The have  been shaped by your past experiences. Since everything in our lives has an origin, locating the source of pain and forgiving yourself for that experience will open you up to an abundance of opportunities for love, success and happiness. Sometimes we have the tendency to focus on what we didn’t get in the relationship and unknowingly keep finding that in the next relationship (or subsequent relationships). Instead, we should balance both the good and bad and focus more on the parts that helped you learn more about yourself. Your character, your nature, or your sense of what you want to become in the future.