Why women should be more like men

Ladies, we have to be more like men. Let me tell you why. I’m commuting to work, minding my own business and trying to get some work done. When all of a sudden a random guy sits next to me & starts chatting me up. I tried to be as polite as I could be as he started telling me his whole career life story, so I buried my head in my work. I didn’t really want to get caught up in someone’s issues of self-importance.

He didn’t pick up on any of my social cues or didn’t care, so I continued to not give him any eye contact while he kept talking 🙂 Occasionally, he would stop talking and I thought he would stop. No, meant nothing to him. He kept on new topics 🙂 Finally, his stop comes up and he’s getting off the train. And that’s where the real comedy starts! He extends out a piece of paper and says to me “I’d like to give you my number because you are the type of person that I’d like to take on a date.” WTF?!?! How the fuck did you ascertain that? Wow! Unbelievable! 

“No, thanks I’m seeing somebody.”

“Oh that doesn’t matter to me!” Now, that answer made sense because he didn’t care that he was talking to himself for the entire ride! 

“Yet, it matters to me!”

Let me give you an even more ridiculous story. I’m at the supermarket checkout counter when a random guy all disheveled with a smell on him that I couldn’t even determine and is adjusting the front of his pants at his belt buckle.

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Right-the kind of guy your mom tells you to marry 🙂 He turns to me and says “Hi! How are you?” with his shirt tail tucked out and this weird smell! I say the obligatory don’t-want-you-to-become-mental-on-me-if-I-don’t-acknowledge-you “Good, you?” He turns to me throws his suit jacket over his shoulder and says “Better for seeing you!!!! Again, wtf?!?!

So, I told you these stories to tell you this: what would happen if women acted more like men. Of course I gave you the most extreme cases (I just wanted to share the comedy), but at the end of the day men pursue what they want. They don’t say to themselves: I’m not pretty enough, I’m not at the sexiest at the moment, I put on some weight, or whatever else that would stop them from trying to get what they want.

Flirt, start up chit chat, give someone eye signals across the room or have a wing person that will engage the person for you. Chatty Kathy and Stinky try this same method till someone takes the bait. Don’t let Chatty Kathy and Stinky think that it works 🙂

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships!

An Open Letter to Exes Worldwide

Dear Ex,

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships.

It’s not my fault that you failed at the relationship. Why persecute me for your inability to see when you f*d up. Someone cheated on you because you failed as a partner. Face it. You were absent in the relationship and expecting that someone who was present was going to accept your absence. Maybe I was the dumbass for dating you, but I didn’t do it to you. It’s not my fault you couldn’t recognize kindness, love, genuine emotion, honesty, and concern.

F you for not being able to recognize strength and confused it for weakness; for confusing honesty with dishonesty; for distorting trustworthiness with manipulation. All of what you told me where lies because you were still evaluating me based on someone else’s actions. I can admit that now, it’s your turn.

Whatever happened to you, I didn’t do it to you. You can’t go through people to make you better. You have to deal with it before you get into another relationship.

You’re just a dumbass!

WTF?

This date is courtesy of our beloved match.com. I am walking up to the door and am greeted by a random guy who knows my name. It’s the guy I am supposed to meet. He is waiting for me outside because he grossly misrepresented himself.  He used a picture of his cousin because he is insecure about his looks, apologizes, and would completely understand if I didn’t want to go through with the date. Ok, I would’ve been an asshole if I said “you look like a pug dog. I gotta get the fuck outta here.” [Which is what I thought in my head.] So, I decided to go through with the date. I drank one drink while he had 3!

We are wrapping it up. I tell him that I have to meet up with a friend in a bit. [When I was in the bathroom I texted a friend to find out where she was going to be]. Fine. He gets me in a cab tells the cabbie where to go; he goes on about his day. While in the cab, I get a text from my friend saying she is running an hour late. No worries, right? I get to my destination and he calls out my name and is stepping out of a cab!!! WTF?

I had to go up to random f’g strangers quickly tell them that I was on a horrible date and pretend like I know them. Of course these people are visiting from London! Why would they not be? He walks up to us and, naturally, I ask if I left anything. Trying to be as graceful as I can, but I’m pissed.  He was just hoping to see if I was interested in having another drink. Again, wtf? So, I said in the nicest way possible that our date ended 20 blocks ago.

So, what does he do? Sits right at the bar and orders himself a drink. I continue to talk to these random strangers who are having a field day with this ridiculous story. What does he do?  He comes over to me and taps me on the shoulder and says “can I talk to you for a moment?” Sure and roll my eyes. He apologizes again and asks if I would join him for 1 drink. Uhhhh, let me think, no! I really appreciate that you a) lured me with your cousin’s picture who doesn’t look remotely like you and b) followed me to another location without an invitation.

It wasn’t so much that he looked like a pug dog, but that he thought all of the steps he did were absolutely ok. I would LOVE to know what he was thinking at every step. Should I have told him at the very beginning what I said at the end? Maybe, but I wasn’t expecting to be greeted by him again at the next place! Next time I am going to be an asshole. Being nice doesn’t play out the same way as it does in my mind.

Sex with a Brazilian woman

Random guy at a bar starts chatting me up. Tells me all about his living arrangements, relocation drama, & work. Tells me how German laws are very lenient around manslaughter. How did we get to this topic, you ask? “Well, in Germany you can rape children and only be put on probation.” Really? “I’ll give you an example. A friend of mine who is involved with the Russian mob, was chasing a guy down to beat him with a bat. The victim is naturally running away, but gets hit by a car and becomes paralyzed for life. My friend served no sentence in prison. He was just put on probation.”

“Wow. Any other secrets you want to tell me about?”

“Yes. I have a bucket list.”

“Oh yeah? It doesn’t involve maiming anyone does it?”

“No. I’d like to have sex with a Brazilian women [meaning me].” So, if you can let me know within the next half hour if that can happen. I’m staying in this hotel.”

“Looks like you’ll be masturbating to the idea, then.”

“You mean you would turn down good sex?”

“Good bye!”

I told you this ridiculous story to tell you this. After telling me about his own shady run ins with the law, that he has taken every drug known to man, and that he had a recipe for crystal meth on him; he thought it was gonna get him laid? Oh and that he is good sex, according to him. People: Am I crazy?