Why women should be more like men

Ladies, we have to be more like men. Let me tell you why. I’m commuting to work, minding my own business and trying to get some work done. When all of a sudden a random guy sits next to me & starts chatting me up. I tried to be as polite as I could be as he started telling me his whole career life story, so I buried my head in my work. I didn’t really want to get caught up in someone’s issues of self-importance.

He didn’t pick up on any of my social cues or didn’t care, so I continued to not give him any eye contact while he kept talking 🙂 Occasionally, he would stop talking and I thought he would stop. No, meant nothing to him. He kept on new topics 🙂 Finally, his stop comes up and he’s getting off the train. And that’s where the real comedy starts! He extends out a piece of paper and says to me “I’d like to give you my number because you are the type of person that I’d like to take on a date.” WTF?!?! How the fuck did you ascertain that? Wow! Unbelievable! 

“No, thanks I’m seeing somebody.”

“Oh that doesn’t matter to me!” Now, that answer made sense because he didn’t care that he was talking to himself for the entire ride! 

“Yet, it matters to me!”

Let me give you an even more ridiculous story. I’m at the supermarket checkout counter when a random guy all disheveled with a smell on him that I couldn’t even determine and is adjusting the front of his pants at his belt buckle.

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Right-the kind of guy your mom tells you to marry 🙂 He turns to me and says “Hi! How are you?” with his shirt tail tucked out and this weird smell! I say the obligatory don’t-want-you-to-become-mental-on-me-if-I-don’t-acknowledge-you “Good, you?” He turns to me throws his suit jacket over his shoulder and says “Better for seeing you!!!! Again, wtf?!?!

So, I told you these stories to tell you this: what would happen if women acted more like men. Of course I gave you the most extreme cases (I just wanted to share the comedy), but at the end of the day men pursue what they want. They don’t say to themselves: I’m not pretty enough, I’m not at the sexiest at the moment, I put on some weight, or whatever else that would stop them from trying to get what they want.

Flirt, start up chit chat, give someone eye signals across the room or have a wing person that will engage the person for you. Chatty Kathy and Stinky try this same method till someone takes the bait. Don’t let Chatty Kathy and Stinky think that it works 🙂

Who you date is a function of your self-esteem

I have heard many clients throughout the years tell me that they can’t date someone that they really like because they are out of their league. I’m here to tell you that does not exist. You attract what you think you are worth.

When you are dating you are seeking people that you can relate to, that you admire, that you trust, that you can work collectively with to reach your common goals. In a sense it should be an extension of what you are and someone who enjoys you for who you are and what you will become. After all, you’re trying to find someone that compliments you and that makes you a better version of yourself. How can that occur if you’re working from a deficit from the very beginning? You’re already working against yourself because you’re concealing your insecurities. You’re not challenging your insecurities because the person isn’t helping you realize your fully actualized self. “Dating in your league” means it’s someone that you feel won’t challenge some of the pain you’ve experienced. You are hoping that you can avoid experiencing similar pain, but endure different pain. You just found someone that will keep you living at 70%.

The answer to why you will see a couple that you think “how did they get together” and “why can’t I get that”? Self-esteem! One or both of them abandoned the idea that they can’t attract what they really desire. What you desire is what you should pursue. Not the other way around. If you have a list, make sure you figured out what you want vs. what you need. Ask yourself if it’s based on characteristics vs not getting hurt. Sometimes you replace familiar hurt with new hurt.

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Are you secretly dating any of these types?

Most relationship failures are related to some unresolved pain caused by someone else that you may have repressed. Most of the time when we are dating we don’t realize that we’re learning more about ourselves. Unexpressed emotions are some of the keys that keep us from finding our ideal partner. However, most of us don’t deal with the source of what caused the pain in past failed relationships which sometimes creates patterns and cycles.  Here are a few of the top unexpressed emotions that delay our happiness.

UNEXPRESSED_EMOTION

Jealousy=Insecurity

Insecurities are created from past experiences that could be from childhood, past relationships, former marriages, any life event that made you feel you were less than what you really are. You then took this definition and began designing yourself around it for years. When you compare yourself to others, you are already working from a deficit perspective and wonder why everyone else seems to get what they want, yet you don’t. The way people remedy that? By controlling factors in other’s lives that they can’t control for in their own lives. It’s easy to constantly look at someone else, talk about what they have and not create it in your own life.

Expectations=Underlying resentment

Resentment occurs because you expected one set of outcomes and go the opposite or worse than what you anticipated. Which is a function of life: things don’t always go the way we planned it or wanted it to be. How do some of us deal with life not turning out the way we want? By creating new expectations :). Expectations becomes a form of defense mechanism to prevent some from experiencing deep seated resentment when things and people fail them.

Anger=Misdirected expression

The expression of anger is usually due to a cumulative of life events that you experienced that you thought were unfair. Usually these past life events and its impact on the person span over decades: childhood trauma, abusive parents, sexual trauma, death of a parent, or disease. How do you resolve being treated unfairly? By treating others unfairly :).  Instead of dealing with what caused the hurt, some find it easier to direct it towards others as a way to resolve their pain.

Codependency=Lack of support

In the case of codependency, the lack of support has to do with not having people around them that understands them. When they do meet someone that understands them and they can share their true selves with, that person becomes their new addiction. It’s created because people want to feel real connection. How do some deal with not cultivating the right people around them? By people pleasing the one’s that let you consistently not grow. People that are codependent usually seek validation, but they ascribe it to the wrong person.

Wow! I am in awe of these exceptional bloggers & awards!

I am always honored and moved by exceptional bloggers nominating me for awards. I feel truly awarded by their thoughtfulness, support, and inspiration. I have had the honor of being nominated for these outstanding awards:

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Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to the following amazing bloggers who nominated me:

http://proportionsinlife.wordpress.com

robertmudge.wordpress.com/

http://bonnevivantelife.wordpress.com/

iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com

theothersideofugly.wordpress.com

beautiful_blogger_award

Beautiful Blogger Award

 Nominated by the inspirational iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com

Versatileblogger

Versatile Blogger Award

Nominated by the inspirational robertmudge.wordpress.com/

Liebster Blog Award

Liebster Award

Nominated by the inspirational frankiedman.wordpress.com & http://reflectionsofasinglegirl.wordpress.com 

So the rules are that I have to: 1) thank the person who gave it to me, 2) share 7 possible things that are unknown about me,  3) nominate 15 bloggers, and 4) notify the nominees of their nomination.

  1. I try to hide my geekiness. I guess not all that well 🙂 So I’m told 🙂
  2. Michael Jordan’s Nike Maybe It’s My Fault commercial is my source of motivation.
  3. I like watching Comedy Central before I go to sleep. It’s how I strike a mental balance.
  4. I believe in a highly romanticized version of love 🙂  I know. Don’t judge!
  5. I can’t stand jealousy, self-absorption and selfishness.
  6. I am a Leo!

This is in no ranked order. I admire and am inspired by them all equally. The list of my nominees are:

Very Inspiring Blogger

 http://ayaime.wordpress.com/

http://bornoutofbourbon.wordpress.com/

http://clarkkent07.wordpress.com/

http://nanafeneba.wordpress.com

http://theothersideofugly.wordpress.com

http://chinupchesthigh.wordpress.com/

gregariouswolf.wordpress.com

algarveblogdotnet.wordpress.com

http://invisiliz.com/

findingthewilltolive.wordpress.com

whataheartcanhold.wordpress.com

royalityme.wordpress.com

http://iamforchange.wordpress.com/

http://whymarriagematters.wordpress.com/

http://truthbunny.wordpress.com/

http://julienmatei.com/

http://corneliusagrippa.wordpress.com/

Versatile Blogger

frankiedman.wordpress.com

robertmudge.wordpress.com/

iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com

http://proportionsinlife.wordpress.com

Liebster

http://howaboutwenot.com/

http://proportionsinlife.wordpress.com

Beautiful Blogger

http://proportionsinlife.wordpress.com

robertmudge.wordpress.com/

http://bonnevivantelife.wordpress.com/

iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com

theothersideofugly.wordpress.com

http://reflectionsofasinglegirl.wordpress.com

Top things you can do to ensure your happiness.

In honor of International Happiness Day, I have compiled a list of things that either reminds us of what happiness can be or what we can do to get to a state of happiness.

  1. People demonstrate what they are. We don’t pay attention to the signs.stop
  2. People are what they are, not what you want them to be.
  3. Life doesn’t happen to you. You have to play an active role in shaping it.
  4. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Identify the reason things are compelling you to do the things that you don’t want to do/that don’t make you happy.
  5. Sometimes you only realize someone’s worth when they are gone.
  6. Spending time with someone that doesn’t make you happy delays your happiness and theirs.
  7. You choose all that you allow in your life.

It’s not you, it’s me. It is you. The 3 D’s to help you get closer to that ideal person.

Relationships can be challenging because of the things that are unresolved within us. We learn more about ourselves while we are in relationships through mirroring or confrontation of our true selves. This sometimes causes hurt because you might be resolving past hurt in a current relationship or dealing with aspects of yourself that are unexplored.

Sometimes we experience relationship failures because of our expectations. Those expectations become the disillusionment in the relationship. Here’s what we can do: the 3 D’s to help get closer to that ideal person.desithnkg

  1. Distinguish between what you need and want. Your previous relationships where all tests of what you thought you wanted or needed or a combination of both. Extract the answers from those past experiences.
  2. Define what your happiness hypothesis entails. Be honest with yourself. The #1 person we lie to is ourselves. Despite the hurt you might have experienced, it made you recognize the things that you won’t find acceptable in another relationship.
  3. Decide what you want your life will look like with your ideal partner 5 years from now. Sometimes we focus on the immediate goals or just that we found someone. Go beyond the immediate time frame and add into the mix what it will be like to have that person along with you during major life events and how that person will handle goal-seeking together.

Want to spice up Valentine’s Day?

love-u-valentines-day-19080940-1024-768It’s Valentine’s Day and whether we are in a relationship or not, this holiday is designed to remind us about love. Love is not just an emotion, it’s an ability. So, let’s rightsize this holiday for everyone, shall we.

Single’s Awareness Day

I think that a mixed dating method is a better approach to dating. For the simple reason that once you are offline and in a relationship it is the interaction that will sustain the relationship. Although rejection might be a driving deterring factor in public dating, it amazes me that it is not a deterrent in any other area of life you desire. Do we think about it during a job interview, a graduate school application, or salary negotiations?

The restaurants are all packed and serving pre-fixe dinners. What to do? Hmm. Nothing like starting an online dating profile on a day when you know other singles have no dinner plans. These are the two sites that I recommend:

  1. IvyDate is a simple, easy-to-use, matching based online dating website that features Ivy League graduates. All members are reviewed and approved by IvyDate. You are matched up with exceptional singles who value intellectual curiosity, love of learning, creativity, drive and determination.
  2. Matchmaker Café is a Facebook application that allows you to connect with people without being Facebook friends first. MMC sets up members on real dates at a real cafe through the network of a real matchmaker. For many, the advantages are that the app and services are very schedule and time conscious. They make the dates happen and introduce you when you get there. Sign-up is through Facebook, where you can set your own privacy settings.

Amateur/Rookie Night

I recently had the honor of being a guest on Maria Quiban’s MommyLovesTech Sex, Marriage & Romance: Valentines Special on Keeping the Flame Lit! google+ Hangout on Air. The show featured the founders of One Extraordinary Marriage, Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo, who shared some of their tips on how to keep up the levels of intimacy in your relationship while maintaining a balance in all areas of your life. One of the key points that the couple highlighted was to schedule intimacy with your partner that involves no electronic device interruption. Rather than going out on this night, make this your scheduled intimacy night. Another  idea Tony & Alissa recommend is to take it back to a point where you didn’t really on your computer or cell for entertainment, play naked twister with one another!

The best online dating screener: Google+ hangouts!

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According to online dating statistics, 1 out of 3 people are now using online dating as a method of finding their mate.  Some may say that this is the new dating norm for the 30-something age range. Unlike the 20-something age range, according to the New York Times’ The End of Courtship?, 30-somethings still use phones for conversations, have one-on-one dates, and flirt in public not twitter.

So, I asked myself what can the 30-something group do to be just as tech savvy and unconventional to make our dating experiences more efficient?  Ladies & Gents, I have found our answer!!! I am going to start this trend: Google + hangouts! What? Never heard of it? I recently started using it myself. Let me tell you all about it. It was launched over a year ago and is a video chat program that allows us to interact with up to 10 people face-to-face. It’s a  different social networking concept from the other social network platforms, but the same in terms of sharing information, photos, latest news, etc. The key difference is it is LIVE human interaction! In addition to business conferencing; meetings; networking; connecting; and sharing, I found the best application: online dating screening! I have found Google+ hangouts to be the most effective & efficient method in screening potential dates.

Here’s my rationale:

1. Time

So, I thought what are 30-somethings most concerned with? Time, right? No one wants to waste time because we have a limited amount of it with our work and life schedules. Well, Google+ hangouts resolves this. Let’s consider the time invested in the initial phase of online dating. We go through the process of identifying a pool of potential candidates, email screen, and are now ready to talk on the phone/meet in person. I would use the phone conversation as my screener and hope that it would all go well when we met in life. That’s where the second phase of time investment is: preparing for the date. The process of aligning your schedules, dressing for it, and mentally preparing yourself for the date. That’s where the g+h/o (what I like to call it or h/o for short 🙂 ) comes in! You can schedule a face-to-face video chat to determine if you want to go that second phase of time investment. All you have to do is send a link to the g+ho and schedule a video chat!

2. Physical attraction

What frustrates us the most about meeting people face-to-face? If their photos and life have discrepancies, right? One of the top things both men and women lie about on their profiles is age. Seeing them on a video chat gives you the opportunity to determine whether you are really physically attracted to the person or the whatever year old photo they decided to use!

3. Lifestyle

People usually are conducting their g+ho from their homes. It’s either a bedroom, living room or home office. Which provides us with an easy way to determine: 1) whether they are messy/organized; 2) what their tastes are (art work, furniture, photos displayed), and 3) a small margin of if there is chemistry or not.

Oh, the other added bonus is that you may be able to determine if the person is married based on the room, too. If you like cyberstalking, this is another added bonus, you can see the person’s activities and profile if it’s completed!

Thanks Google+, Vic Gundotra, Chee Chew, Dori Storbeck and Natalie Villalobos for making my life so much easier! Here’s the link to learn more and join Google+ hangouts: http://www.google.com/+/learnmore/hangouts/

For now, I have just tried the one-on-one video chat, but am going to be exploring different dating efficiency techniques and sharing them with you all! Looking forward to hearing about your experiences with the g+ho!

 

Start off your New Year with a bang!

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As I reflect on the year, I realize more and more that life isn’t always about getting what you deserve. It’s about us all being on different trajectories. The reality is that everyone has the same opportunities at being happy. It’s about the choices we make and understanding how it shaped our experiences. The better we are at understanding why we chose what we did, the closer we get to actualizing our goals.

The things that we experience are temporary. It changes as our perception of the experience changes. Everything has its own unique trajectory. Imagine a ball in flight. The speed and direction in which it travels is dependent on the amount of force exerted onto the ball, the angle of your wrist, your strength for it to travel. The same principle can be applied to our everyday lives. Each person’s trajectory possesses its own unique set of qualities that is directed by each decision we make. What it yields is dependent on the decisions we make around the goal we want to achieve. The better we understand our experiences, we get a better sense of what we need and then we are better aligned to encounter the right set of circumstances and people.

This year, in addition to your New Year’s resolution, write a letter to your 2012 self itemizing the things that you gained, how you grew, and what you’re appreciative of. Whether you: grew from the ordeal of a break-up, divorce, found the love of your life, found a job, got laid-off, gained more customers or started your own business. Think about each thing that you would like to continue and things that you would like to grow from. Everything we go through brings us closer to what we need to actualize our dreams or brings about our happiness. If your goal is to be a better partner in your relationship (your trajectory), think about how your communication style may have improved in the last year or conversely how it can be improved in the coming year (your decision making process). Whatever the situation is, think about what led you to that moment and what you intended on happening. If it is what you intended, apply that formula to other situations. If it wasn’t, revise the process by being more congruent with what you want to achieve. Sometimes when we see it written, we are better able to see some of the incongruence very clearly. When I have reflected on my past experiences, I realized that the qualities and circumstances that I was seeking was the opposite of what I was experiencing. Hope this helps you have the best year yet!

Have a happy, healthy & prosperous New Year!