How Much Does Heartache Cost?

Love is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right? And at what cost? Is it your sanity? Is it your money that you regret spending? It’s not just money, it’years of your life. Let’s do the math together.

Women: Appearance (clothing, shoes, makeup, creams, underwear, grooming, etc) Calculate each application and each purchase for each date.

Men: Appearance (clothing, shoes, creams, underwear, grooming, dry cleaning, etc) Calculate each application and each purchase for each date.

Actual meet up/date costs. This can range from $5 to $100 depending on where you go, what city you live in and what you’re doing. Calculate each date and multiply that by your dating life cycle.

Length of time during break up. Each year of you not being in the market has a cost to your age. Take away those years lost.

Love takes decades to get right. Factor in 10 years to perfect this decision-making ability.

Women: Take away five years of your reproductive life cycle.

Men: Take away five years to rebuild yourself financially.

Factor in past relationship failures and multiply that by three. On average we don’t break out of patterns and cycles till we are faced with the pattern repeatedly. Generally, three times a charm.

Now factor all of this in over your dating life cycle. What is your total?

Want to get some lovin’ on Valentine’s day? Do ANY of these

Want to get some lovin’ on Valentine’s Day? Here’s some quick gift ideas to help you out:

If you’re looking for her favorite perfume, check which perfume bottles are almost empty. Pick one of those.
If you’re looking for his favorite sports team, check out his DVR schedule.
If you can’t get reservations at your favorite date spot, set up candle light dinner in the bedroom.
Looking for a combo gift? Get a his and her spa day gift certificate.

Happy Valentine’s day!

What people don’t tell you about dating the wrong types.

When you’re dating down, you aren’t always aware that you are doing it. I came up with an inventory to help you identify some of the red flags on Stop dating down! If you are doing 4 or more of these things, chances are you are settling in your relationship. Once you realize this is a feature of your relationships, then you can see if this yields a pattern in your life.

So, let’s begin by talking about the types of thinking that occurs, then we’ll talk about what occurs as a result.

Type 1: I know that s/he isn’t xyz, but they possess abc.

Type 2: I know that s/he isn’t what I normally date, but I was unsuccessful with my past types.

Both types create a false sense of intimacy, hope, trust, and disillusionment in the relationship. If you are lying to yourself in the relationship, it’s easy to disillusion yourself about the realities of the relationship. In addition to decreasing your standards, you are changing your tolerance level of other people’s lies they tell themselves and you accepting it as your reality (their bullshit).

Which invariably creates Type 3: I’m getting a shot at someone I normally wouldn’t have a shot with and this is great!

This is creating a false sense of hope in someone else and they will apply that to their next relationship. Type 3 will pursue people that they probably wouldn’t ever approach because they have this new inflated self-esteem. While the person who has admitted to dating down, has a diminished self-esteem.

How to stop being single!

Fall is near which means summer flings are over and fair weather friends are gone. Now, it’s time to focus on what you want in a relationship. Here are a few tips if you looking for a lasting relationship.

NYYSUNSET

Be open.
Begin letting off the ” I am happy with who I am; I am just looking for someone to make me even happier”. Instead of that desperate “I’m looking for anyone because I hate being alone”. Desperate is not sexy; confidence is.

Go with your gut.
If you feel something is off, it IS! If you think she’s “crazy” or he’s commitment phobic, chances are they are not ready to be in a relationship. A relationship is NOT a test of the strength of your intuition. Trust that it needs no confirmation. There is someone out there for you. Don’t delay your happiness by months/years/an extra day confirming your gut feeling.

Don’t use people as a financial plan for yourself.
Look for people that complement who you are and who you are becoming. Like life, money has it’s own cycle and it’s own ebb & flow. The larger price to pay is your sense of happiness, regret and resentment.

Get out there.
Subscribe to online dating services, go out to parties, go out to events, go on groupers. Do something. Don’t sit back complaining about all the things you don’t want to do and wonder why you’re still single.

Treat dating like it’s a social experiment.
It really IS. Treat dating like you are collecting data on what you want and don’t want. See what combinations of qualities and characteristics better complement you. Don’t treat dating like it’s a job interview or when in public treat it like you are online (approaching everyone to see what sticks). If you don’t like the social experiment concept, treat it like it’s a sport.

Who you date is a function of your self-esteem

I have heard many clients throughout the years tell me that they can’t date someone that they really like because they are out of their league. I’m here to tell you that does not exist. You attract what you think you are worth.

When you are dating you are seeking people that you can relate to, that you admire, that you trust, that you can work collectively with to reach your common goals. In a sense it should be an extension of what you are and someone who enjoys you for who you are and what you will become. After all, you’re trying to find someone that compliments you and that makes you a better version of yourself. How can that occur if you’re working from a deficit from the very beginning? You’re already working against yourself because you’re concealing your insecurities. You’re not challenging your insecurities because the person isn’t helping you realize your fully actualized self. “Dating in your league” means it’s someone that you feel won’t challenge some of the pain you’ve experienced. You are hoping that you can avoid experiencing similar pain, but endure different pain. You just found someone that will keep you living at 70%.

The answer to why you will see a couple that you think “how did they get together” and “why can’t I get that”? Self-esteem! One or both of them abandoned the idea that they can’t attract what they really desire. What you desire is what you should pursue. Not the other way around. If you have a list, make sure you figured out what you want vs. what you need. Ask yourself if it’s based on characteristics vs not getting hurt. Sometimes you replace familiar hurt with new hurt.

Let’s reframe hurt

Inspired by Mastin Kipp’s The Daily Love.

Love is one of the areas that can cause the most hurt. Whether we are looking for it, dating it, or committed to it; hurt will occur. The way you cope with it can determine how you receive love. We all know of relationships that overcome the most catastrophic life events and those that can’t overcome the most mundane events.

If you were the dumpee/divorcee. Forgive yourself for believing in something that couldn’t be. Ultimately, you believed enough in love that you wanted to see it in all things. Even people that may not be designed for you.

If you were the dumper/divorcer. Be true to yourself and happiness flows effortlessly. Perhaps you loved so much that you thought you could be someone you weren’t.

Begin with you. In both cases, extract what you learned about yourself and what you need going into the next opportunity to meet someone.

Ask yourself these questions:

Are you capable of unconditional love? Have you forgiven yourself for your past relationships? Sometimes you have to let go of the pain associated with the past to be receptive to unconditional love. You might be saying “what are you talking about, you’re just a dumbass, I have & it’s not my fault. I tried.” Yes you did. But, the definitions that you currently possesses might not be completely true to who you are and what you are becoming. The have been shaped by your past experiences. Since everything in our lives has an origin, locating the source of pain and forgiving yourself for that experience will open you up to an abundance of opportunities for love, success and happiness. Sometimes we have the tendency to focus on what we didn’t get in the relationship and unknowingly keep finding that in the next relationship (or subsequent relationships). Instead, we should balance both the good and bad and focus more on the parts that helped you learn more about yourself. Your character, your nature, or your sense of what you want to become in the future.

Why men are not idiots and women are not crazy

We often talk about the differences between men and women’s communication style. I really think the key to this difference are due to our biology. Men behave the way they do because they can’t give birth, so they try to provide material things. Their orientation to the world is far less emotional and more about material acquisition. Women deliver life which is a spiritual experience that makes us more aware of our mortality and our life choices. Women tend to think and act beyond themselves. Both genders seek permanence, stability and security; but our definitions of these things are sometimes different. Men don’t require the same level of permanence, stability and security as women do. The male ego is far more driven to preserve itself, while the female ego seeks to create stability around her.

Women feel they need to maximize their situations and want to project that moment into the future. Men take their situations and project it just to that space and time. They evaluate personality and character flaws; women evaluate the emotional content that was created in that moment. Women can take that situation and begin to think about what the future will be based on that situation. i.e., if you didn’t wash the dishes after dinner was prepared, we think that you either: a) devalue us on some level; b) don’t want to create an equitable partnership; and/or c) are acting selfishly. All of these choices lead us to believe that our lives will include elements of being devalued, treated inconsiderately, and acting against our self-interest.

Men can examine the situation, deal with the moment, adapt accordingly, and move on. They don’t project that situation onto a lifetime of misery. Most times they have already balanced out what they need before they met you. They don’t dwell on minor details like we do. Men fantasize about the physical; women fantasize about their lifestyle. This is why we are obsessed with shoes 😉

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships!

An Open Letter to Exes Worldwide

Dear Ex,

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships.

It’s not my fault that you failed at the relationship. Why persecute me for your inability to see when you f*d up. Someone cheated on you because you failed as a partner. Face it. You were absent in the relationship and expecting that someone who was present was going to accept your absence. Maybe I was the dumbass for dating you, but I didn’t do it to you. It’s not my fault you couldn’t recognize kindness, love, genuine emotion, honesty, and concern.

F you for not being able to recognize strength and confused it for weakness; for confusing honesty with dishonesty; for distorting trustworthiness with manipulation. All of what you told me where lies because you were still evaluating me based on someone else’s actions. I can admit that now, it’s your turn.

Whatever happened to you, I didn’t do it to you. You can’t go through people to make you better. You have to deal with it before you get into another relationship.

You’re just a dumbass!

Stop dating assholes!

Let me give you the timeframe: coke & porn and bucket list boy were all within 1 week. I am a firm believer in giving people opportunities.

A friend of mine said “Listen, we all date assholes till we meet the right one.” At the time I thought it was a harsh statement, but he’s right. Not that the people I date are assholes; because who we choose to date is a reflection of who we are and what we think we want. While dating, we are really testing out the combination of qualities, characteristics, and life desires we are looking for. We discover the things that we thought we wanted might not be what we need.

Approaching dating as though it is testing out our happiness hypothesis or algorithm can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that you’d like to have. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself.

The other elements about finding the right person are far more complex. Being in the right frame of mind + the right place + the right time + right chemistry + the person also possessing the right set of characteristics.

You might also find that you will feel less pressure on making the wrong person fit the model and essentially you’ll stop dating assholes.

The #1 person we lie to is ourselves.

Dating tips

Sometimes the idea of being in a relationship has more value to us than compatibility in the relationship, equity in the relationship, or just plain happiness. The idea can create illusions that you’re in a healthy relationship because it is what we choose not to see. Even though we might not be aware of it consciously, subconsciously we are compensating for the elements that are missing. So, it becomes a perfectly fine relationship.

Some people compensate with a dog, others with their computer, ice cream, etc. 🙂 Most of us are trying to create balance and seeking happiness. Do we recognize how we are compensating? Not all of the time. We have to be made aware of it. The #1 person we lie to is ourselves.

If you think this:

“S/He may not have X things that I would like, but it works for now.”

“It’s okay that we don’t do X (the things that I enjoy), I’m happy to have companionship.”

“It’s ok that he doesn’t want children, I wasn’t that sure about having them anyway.”

Then maybe you need to be reminded of:

Anything that you have desired for your lifestyle is what shouldn’t be deleted off your list.

Your ideal partner will compliment your goals, desires and assist in fulfilling your dreams.

Ideas about people and relationships create illusions that distort our perception of reality.

YOU'RE JUST A DUMBASS

Date smarter.