The Dating Paradox

Social media has been linked to higher levels of loneliness, envy, anxiety, depression, narcissism and decreased social skills. As a Behavioral Scientist, I wonder what causes this paradox? The narratives we share and portray on social media are all positive and celebratory. It’s a hybridized digital version of “Keeping up with the Joneses”. Meaning for some, sometimes it appears everyone you know are in great relationships, taking 5-star vacations and living your dream life.

However, what is shared only broadcasts the positive aspects of our lives-the highlight reels.

Since we’re only getting people’s highlight reels and comparing it to ourselves, it is natural to have reactions to what we’re watching. How does this impact relationships, dating and our love lives? I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active social media users and found that:

  • 60% of people using social media reported that it has impacted their self-esteem in a negative way
  • 50% reported social media having negative effects on their relationship
  • 80% reported that is easier to deceive others through their social posting

Paradox Effect

It seems that social media is creating a paradox effect: giving off the illusion of many choices, while making it harder to find viable options. Can it be that our highly connected world has now become disconnected? Posting dinners, selfies and vacay photos over human interaction for some is interaction. That IS their interaction. The paradox effect in dating is creating the illusion of having more social engagement, social capital, and popularity, but masking one’s true persona. Since some are interfacing digitally more than physically it is much easier to emotionally manipulate others because they are reliant on what I call “Vanity Validation”. The one you portray on your networks and the true you, for some creates a double consciousness. Your lauded self on social media is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes, not life. 

Vanity Validation

In the latest Match Singles in America study’s findings on how social media has impacted people’s dating lives, they found that 57% of singles say social media has generated a Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO). In my study, 50% reported feeling FOMO when comparing themselves to others on social media, while 60% of millennials reported feeling FOMO. Are we comparing ourselves to other people’s highlight reels? Are we creating a false reality? It seems that we’re only willing to share things that get positive reinforcement. If we’re living through only focusing on the highlight reels, how do we express the negative side of our lives?

If you’re comparing yourself to someone else’s profile, aren’t you discounting yourself? Anything that we share on our streams are things that we’re either excited about or creating some popularity for yourself. Are we supposed to applaud that you eat? Are we supposed to applaud that you are out? Are we supposed to applaud the 100th seflie you took while you were out? Are we beginning to learn to relate to people for immediate gratification only?

Won’t this impact our dating behaviors? If we only broadcast the “look at me”, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? Are you surprised when people blow you off or lead you on aka ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb? Yet another paradox. Here we are thinking the world is a positive and reinforcing place, that we are interesting, we’re so popular; then we get ghosted, breadcrumbed, benched.

13 thoughts on “The Dating Paradox

  1. I find that it also tends to “bring out the foreigners”….let me explain…if you complain that you’re single & looking, let’s say, on Facebook, you will get dozens upon dozens of foreign women (a lot of them Russian, for some strange reason) trying to get you to notice them, but the problem is, more likely than not, is that these women are just wanting to use gullible American men to get to the United States & then, leave the men once they get here. Now, some people say that Facebook shouldn’t allow this type of “baiting” to go on, but it’s NOT Facebook’s job to look into every little offense that happens on their site, it’s the INDIVIDUAL’S responsibility to look out for THEMSELVES; NOT Facebook’s.

    1. Yes, I understand. That’s the main complaint I get from most men. The fake profiles, solicitation for sex, or green cards. I am not sure how fb’s anti-spam filtering algorithm really works. Apparently not that well 🙂 But, you can report profiles when you find them to be inauthentic.

      1. That’s why I recommend NOT using Facebook as a dating apparatus….it’s not safe; same with most other social media sites, Craigslist,…etc. I find that Facebook only responds to your complaints if you’re liberal in your politics…whereas, if you’re conservative in your viewpoints, they tend to just, “blow you off”.

          1. Yep,& it’s not just me,…numerous conservative friends of mine & on the site entirely, have launched complaints over Facebook with this. It seems that if you don’t agree with Facebook politically, you get ignored.

              1. Agreed. Looks like if I have to, I’ll eventually get back on Plenty of Fish. I still haven’t decided what I want to do yet, but I’m not letting it bother me. My ex-gf is still wanting to give it another chance, apparently…but I’m not letting that bother me either.

  2. This​ about fb is true .. Especially when they asked if you can send money to get here and they get mad when you can’t!

  3. The more options we have the privilege to choose from, the pickier they become. Someone has to really stand out among all of those options to get our attention. Our expectations are too high. If you keep second-guessing whether or not a man or woman is right for you, you’ll lose out on scoring someone amazing.

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