When you’re dating down, you aren’t always aware that you are doing it. I came up with an inventory to help you identify some of the red flags on Stop dating down! If you are doing 4 or more of these things, chances are you are settling in your relationship. Once you realize this is a feature of your relationships, then you can see if this yields a pattern in your life.
So, let’s begin by talking about the types of thinking that occurs, then we’ll talk about what occurs as a result.
Type 1: I know that s/he isn’t xyz, but they possess abc.
Type 2: I know that s/he isn’t what I normally date, but I was unsuccessful with my past types.
Both types create a false sense of intimacy, hope, trust, and disillusionment in the relationship. If you are lying to yourself in the relationship, it’s easy to disillusion yourself about the realities of the relationship. In addition to decreasing your standards, you are changing your tolerance level of other people’s lies they tell themselves and you accepting it as your reality (their bullshit).
Which invariably creates Type 3: I’m getting a shot at someone I normally wouldn’t have a shot with and this is great!
This is creating a false sense of hope in someone else and they will apply that to their next relationship. Type 3 will pursue people that they probably wouldn’t ever approach because they have this new inflated self-esteem. While the person who has admitted to dating down, has a diminished self-esteem.
Happy New Year! Hope your New Year is off to a great start! To help bring in the new you, here are top 10 things you can do:
1. Learn from the past, but don’t relive it in the future.
2. People are what they are not what you want them to be.
3. Once you accept someone for what they really are, they will surprise you by being better than what you expected.
4. Forgive yourself for your past sub-optimal decisions.
5. Seek out people that make you a better version of yourself.
6. Follow your gut. Period.
7. Be the type of person you would like to be in a relationship with.
8. Don’t lose yourself while trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t care about losing you.
9. Desperate is not sexy, confidence is.
10. Who you date is a function of your self-esteem.
Fall is near which means summer flings are over and fair weather friends are gone. Now, it’s time to focus on what you want in a relationship. Here are a few tips if you looking for a lasting relationship.
Begin letting off the ” I am happy with who I am; I am just looking for someone to make me even happier”. Instead of that desperate “I’m looking for anyone because I hate being alone”. Desperate is not sexy; confidence is.
Go with your gut.
If you feel something is off, it IS! If you think she’s “crazy” or he’s commitment phobic, chances are they are not ready to be in a relationship. A relationship is NOT a test of the strength of your intuition. Trust that it needs no confirmation. There is someone out there for you. Don’t delay your happiness by months/years/an extra day confirming your gut feeling.
Don’t use people as a financial plan for yourself.
Look for people that complement who you are and who you are becoming. Like life, money has it’s own cycle and it’s own ebb & flow. The larger price to pay is your sense of happiness, regret and resentment.
Get out there.
Subscribe to online dating services, go out to parties, go out to events, go on groupers. Do something. Don’t sit back complaining about all the things you don’t want to do and wonder why you’re still single.
Treat dating like it’s a social experiment.
It really IS. Treat dating like you are collecting data on what you want and don’t want. See what combinations of qualities and characteristics better complement you. Don’t treat dating like it’s a job interview or when in public treat it like you are online (approaching everyone to see what sticks). If you don’t like the social experiment concept, treat it like it’s a sport.
In honor of International Happiness Day, I have compiled a list of things that either reminds us of what happiness can be or what we can do to get to a state of happiness.
- People demonstrate what they are. We don’t pay attention to the signs.
- People are what they are, not what you want them to be.
- Life doesn’t happen to you. You have to play an active role in shaping it.
- You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Identify the reason things are compelling you to do the things that you don’t want to do/that don’t make you happy.
- Sometimes you only realize someone’s worth when they are gone.
- Spending time with someone that doesn’t make you happy delays your happiness and theirs.
- You choose all that you allow in your life.
Relationships can be challenging because of the things that are unresolved within us. We learn more about ourselves while we are in relationships through mirroring or confrontation of our true selves. This sometimes causes hurt because you might be resolving past hurt in a current relationship or dealing with aspects of yourself that are unexplored.
Sometimes we experience relationship failures because of our expectations. Those expectations become the disillusionment in the relationship. Here’s what we can do: the 3 D’s to help get closer to that ideal person.
- Distinguish between what you need and want. Your previous relationships where all tests of what you thought you wanted or needed or a combination of both. Extract the answers from those past experiences.
- Define what your happiness hypothesis entails. Be honest with yourself. The #1 person we lie to is ourselves. Despite the hurt you might have experienced, it made you recognize the things that you won’t find acceptable in another relationship.
- Decide what you want your life will look like with your ideal partner 5 years from now. Sometimes we focus on the immediate goals or just that we found someone. Go beyond the immediate time frame and add into the mix what it will be like to have that person along with you during major life events and how that person will handle goal-seeking together.
First, I’d like to thank all of my followers and readers. I am extremely grateful for your support. Many of you I have cried, laughed, cheered, and ranted with. Most of all I feel like we have gotten to a better place together.
When you are not in a relationship, getting over a relationship/divorce, the holidays can be a challenging time of the year. Each relationship we go through really teaches us about what we need or what we needed to overcome to set you up for a healthy relationship. If you’re currently struggling to get over a relationship, there are a few things you can think about to help overcome some of the pain associated with the break-up.
1. Think about the things that lead you to that relationship in the first place.
2. Think about the things that attracted you to the person.
3. Think about what you were looking for before you got into the relationship.
4. Think about the fears you may have had before you got into the relationship.
5. Think about the things you felt before you got into the relationship.
6. What did the person make you feel about yourself?
7. What did they respond to within you?
8. What did you experience that you hadn’t experienced before?
9. Did you see yourself with the person before you met them?
10. Did you date someone out of your character?
Once you have identified the reasons for some of these questions, you’ll have the answers to help propel you to the next relationship. Sometimes, we keep carrying unnecessary burdens into new relationships. You possess the answers to all that you are feeling; you just have to look at the situation from a different angle. The answers are all within you. You can harm or heal yourself. Returning to the point of who you were before the relationship; puts you in a place of empowerment rather than psychological persecution. It’s within understanding the unhealthy relationships that we find ourselves and gets us closer to a healthy relationship.
Contrary to what we are told and tell ourselves as women, we are really amazing. Think about all the things you manage in a day. Isn’t it really impressive? That’s how we are meant to see ourselves.
Do people annoy you? Of course. Does life sometimes seem unfair? Of course. Do people disappoint you? Absolutely. Do you pursue what you want & feel like it’s unattainable? Of course. Do you want something so badly, yet it doesn’t materialize? Absolutely!
Here are some ways to keep you reminded of what life is really about:
1. Focusing on people that hurt you, will keep you attracting that into your life.
2. Instead of complaining about things you don’t have, focus on what you’re going to have.
3. All that you have experienced in life has made you who you are today.
4. You are meant to live a life of fulfillment and abundance.
5. When you are doing what you enjoy, opportunities are limitless.
6. Focusing on negative events in your day; keeps you in a negative state.
7. Complaining about your body or beauty, doesn’t change anything.
8. Remind yourself of how beautiful and amazing you are every morning.
9. Remind yourself that the person who annoys you for constant help doesn’t really want your help.
10. You create your reality.