How to stop being single!

Fall is near which means summer flings are over and fair weather friends are gone. Now, it’s time to focus on what you want in a relationship. Here are a few tips if you looking for a lasting relationship.

NYYSUNSET

Be open.
Begin letting off the ” I am happy with who I am; I am just looking for someone to make me even happier”. Instead of that desperate “I’m looking for anyone because I hate being alone”. Desperate is not sexy; confidence is.

Go with your gut.
If you feel something is off, it IS! If you think she’s “crazy” or he’s commitment phobic, chances are they are not ready to be in a relationship. A relationship is NOT a test of the strength of your intuition. Trust that it needs no confirmation. There is someone out there for you. Don’t delay your happiness by months/years/an extra day confirming your gut feeling.

Don’t use people as a financial plan for yourself.
Look for people that complement who you are and who you are becoming. Like life, money has it’s own cycle and it’s own ebb & flow. The larger price to pay is your sense of happiness, regret and resentment.

Get out there.
Subscribe to online dating services, go out to parties, go out to events, go on groupers. Do something. Don’t sit back complaining about all the things you don’t want to do and wonder why you’re still single.

Treat dating like it’s a social experiment.
It really IS. Treat dating like you are collecting data on what you want and don’t want. See what combinations of qualities and characteristics better complement you. Don’t treat dating like it’s a job interview or when in public treat it like you are online (approaching everyone to see what sticks). If you don’t like the social experiment concept, treat it like it’s a sport.

134 comments

  1. When do you mention health problems? What do you say if they see you taking you pills? I’ve found meeting at a coffee shop to be ideal because if you don’t click or the other person is not your type, you both have your cars and can just leave. No harm no foul. Input PLEASE!

  2. What happens when you keep having bad luck with internet dating sites and can’t make it out that much. For Example. I’m sorry, but I like skinny girls who are highly intelligent. I was deceived by old pictures when a potential date who used to be cute used old pictures. I just met her for coffee thank goodness but I’m not into extremely overweight people. Meeting for coffee doesn’t leave you stuck for a whole dinner or something along those lines. So until I get to know them. Places with an east out. I’d love to hear other peoples input on experiences they might have had with this

  3. Hello,
    I understand you have a preference of women, however sometimes life brings us things that aren’t necessarily what we think we want. Just a quick story…
    I met the love of my life accidentally. We had mutual friends, I didn’t think he was attractive at all but that’s why it was so easy for us to begin a relationship. There were no first date little white lies, we didn’t hide things from each other. We became best friends and told each other everything. I began to have such a strong love for him simply as a person because we connected on a friendship level first. Eventually, we both began to see our relationship go on a new path and that is how we got to where we are..lol

    So my point isn’t to say that you need to forget what you like/want, HOWEVER, sometimes it’s more important to focus on a relationship. Maybe go on a date and just talk. That will help you to meet new people, still create good friendships, and grow that way. Going into a date with this attitude will also make things less shaky for both people.

    So to sum that up: sometimes we think we know exactly who we are going to end up with, and that’s just not true (so keep that in mind!), and have fun on dates, make friends, talk and be friendly. You never know where things will need.

    1. Thanks so much for your fantastic advice & insights!! My blog is designed to address both men & women (anyone that can relate really) :) I agree with you on many points! If you ask most women if they thought they would marry who they are with, the answer will be he is the opposite of what I thought I would be with! We simply don’t know who, when, or why.

      I do think, though, that we should have in idea of what we want vs need. I am not saying it is always clear to us, but we need to recognize that it will work in our lives. Even though it may look like we don’t have any idea of these things when we meet people, I think that we do.

      1. Great addition! The biggest blessing and curse of my relationship was learning to speak on what we needed out of each other. We were so used to being friends and getting along great that we never stopped to think of what was important in a lover/partner.
        However on the contrary, I was very firm on certain things with my partner. I had to work very hard to look past those things so that I was not trying to change him. Eventually he decided to make changes for himself!
        So to sum this up, BALANCE is key! Be patient, flexible, and please don’t write off people for silly things.
        Great topic!

        1. Thanks so much for the great advice! You are so right so many women don’t ask for what they need in relationships. I think it’s our real downfall. The other thing women do more often than men is think that we can change things on our partners that we don’t like!

          Thanks for reminding us that it is about balance and patience in relationships. Thanks so much for you comment and great advice!

  4. I was kind of shocked & depressed for a while about the men I found on dating sites ~ the only ones interested in me were mostly losers. I’m not being “picky” ~ I’m talking about guys with no jobs, no real place to live if single, or still living with their wives if “separated”, way WAY older (10+ years, ready for Medicare), etc. I’m 52, slim, fully employed, kids grown & out, relatively sane & normal, looking for a real LTR. But men my age seem to only want women way younger or are looking to add to a poly harem, & there is nothing I can do about this. So, I’ve just accepted it & rarely date. I do go out a lot with friends, but this whole notion of “just have fun & you’ll meet people normally” is kind of BS. That just doesn’t happen. I mean, it IS a good idea to go out & have fun, absolutely. But it’s just not true that when you’re out to a movie/dinner with 2-3 friends it magically happens that you meet new people because you’re laughing & having a good time ~ that really only occurs in a sitcom.

    1. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. Sorry your online dating experience was so suboptimal. Online dating has it pluses & minuses for sure. I have noticed a huge difference in terms of quality by paid vs free sites. Mix it up if you can. Most people use multiple sites simultaneously.

      Oh it absolutely erodes your self esteem when all you keep meeting is the opposite of what you want!

      You are so right! I probably failed to make it clear, but I want women to go out alone! I want women to not have that I’m desperately looking for someone scent. Both men & women need to possess more self appreciation & self love. Getting out of your comfort zone helps you deal with situations you think you need assistance with.

      Thanks again for your comments.

  5. I’ve tried so many times to be open. Not having any expectations. Occasionally I’ll meet someone I have a spark with, there is a pure connection. However nothing ever seems to come of it. I’m getting tired of it. There is obviously a deep seeded wall within me that keeps love just out of reach. I think that I’m just not ready. This is the time to just focus on me and not on having someone in my life. Although I know that is the right thing to do, it makes me sad. I have so much to give to someone…oh well, guess I just give all that love to myself.

    1. Thanks for your comment Dawn!

      I know we are conditioned (as women)
      To evaluate ourselves negatively if we’re not in a relationship. At the same time everything about how we function in society is changing. The instability of our economy, increasing advancement in technology, marrying later than ever, etc. people are taking more risks to be happy. If that means you take time to meet someone that is perfect for you, so be it! Think about all of the people you know that are in miserable marriages, 2nd divorce, trapped all because they didn’t want to be alone & settled for a percentage of what they really wanted.

      If you don’t give up on your career, your family, or dreams; why do it for 1 of the most important life decisions you make?

      Turn your self love & appreciation time into a game: who isn’t gonna want me? ;)

      Let me know how it goes. It’ll be inspirational to readers here :) I bet you won’t be single long once you truly are in love with yourself & know what you need in a life partner/soul mate/life witness.

    1. Thanks Vishal! Glad it is helpful to you! I wish I had an easier answer for you, but you have to get out of your comfort zone.

      Many times when I am eating out by myself, that’s when I am approached the most. Its just me and my notebook. People always start off with “are you a teacher?” That starts up idle chit chat.

      Try that approach out. It’s unassuming, nonthreatening, and it gets someone to talk about themselves and what they do.

      If you try it out, keep me posted :)

      1. Thank you for replying so quickly, u really an awesome blogger giving advice to those who need it. Thanks for that example will sure to try it. Fingers crossed xoxo :)

  6. Welcome back (again)!

    I’ve been online dating for about a year now and it is usually quite clear the sort of people who fall into all of those traps above. The “social experiment” approach to dating certainly worked for me so I can attest to that one personally. The more people you meet the more you can figure out what you do and don’t want.

    Hope you’re keeping well!

    1. Thanks so much love!

      I really appreciate you sharing your experience with us! Glad that you find these suggestions useful & effective.

      If you have any articles you want to share with us, please feel free!

      I’m doing well fabulous actually! How about you?

      1. Thanks :)

        I’m sure you’ve seen some of these before though:
        Inadequacy and the modern man
        How dating built my confidence for dating
        Out of my League – Part 1
        Out of my League – Part 2
        Why online dating works for me

        That should be enough to get you going :D

        I’m doing ok! Working for myself and all the trials and tribulations of that. Comes with its own problems but the advantages of setting my own hours. Everything else, pretty much the same.

  7. First off I LOVE the name! LOL Second how relevant and truthful is this passage of yours! I love it. It’s precise and correct. I was doing an online thing for about a year with someone and met them in person this past March. It was great and it was wonderful and then, (insert drama music here), reality set in that this guy was young and immature to be in anything committed. It didn’t take that long to get over but I did regret investing a year’s worth of time with him. Needless to say we are friends and I know it didn’t take way from me meeting someone else. I’ve been on a hibernation period from relationships as a whole. It has become frustrating to say the least, also I have so much commitment with my magazine that just takes priority. I’m following your blog now looking forward to reading past and future posts. :-)

    1. Thank you for sharing your insight and story with us! Thanks for complimenting my blog name! ;) As women, we often tie our happiness into our relationships. When the relationship is over we tend to blame ourselves, but in reality all we did was demonstrate the ability to love.

      I am so glad you forgave yourself and are now looking for your ideal partner. I’m looking forward to hearing about your next successful relationship!

      Thanks for stopping by my blog. I really appreciate it!

  8. I had to check out your blog based on your name alone (and you read my blog :))! And I totally loved this post. As a 48-year-old woman who’s gone through not one but THREE divorces, and I’ve now been happily married for 15+ years to hubby #4, I totally agree that you cannot use a man/relationship as your financial plan because you never know when he/it – the money will be gone…and/or what if he loses his job? My husband has gotten laid off more times than I can count…and, no he’s not a dumb-ass -that’s just the way corporate America IS and probably forever shall be. So – marrying the paycheck is definitely the dumbest thing you can do…and desperate is definitely not sexy. My hubby tells me all the time how much he loves my independence since he knows so many women who won’t even go to the mall by themselves – much less move to a new town where they know NO ONE – like I did three times…not to toot my own horn…but you get the idea…:), and THANKS for reading my blog (lunatic lounge – I have 2 blogs on here)!

    1. Thanks so much tenaciousbitch (I love the name btw) :) I really appreciate you sharing your insights and story with us. Too may women make the mistake of marrying for a financial plan. Independence is something that women are not taught to appreciate or be. But, in today’s economy and rapidly changing technological world; we have to start thinking about how to function and maintain a lifestyle.

      So happy to hear that you are in a great relationship and are happy. Love your blog! Gonna check out your other one too!

      1. thanks, I am still experimenting with some themes, your blog has come a long way, 90 likes in just 1 post, I do not think I will ever be able to do that in my entire time blogging to be honest with you

        oh and btw, I have updated my email address so feel free to email me about the guest post you and I were talking about a while back

        1. I was just catching up on your posts :) Where your talking about your blog’s performance :)

          I think your content is really great & it is sexy. I have to tell you that throughout the last 1.5 years I have modified and tested almost every aspect of the blog. I am still measuring impact :)

          Your blog will get there. We all start somewhere and are happily surprised to see it grow.

          Oh yes! Shoot me an email. That would be great! I already have ideas :)

  9. I’ve done all this with no results! I spent 11yrs on dating sites, with few dates, I spent $1225.00 of my own hard-earned money on a match-making service, with no results. I recently quit ALL of my dating sites, because it’s just not worth the abuse.

    1. Sorry to hear of your experience Kerry! It is a very frustrating process & taking a break sometimes is the best thing. Because who wants to date a bitter guy :) My advice would be just to focus on your self and the things you like to do then you’ll have a refreshed perspective. They do always say when you least expect it, is when you find it. They also say do the things you like and that could be the opportunity.

        1. It can take a toll on your sense of self and sensibilities. You think out of all these people ONE is all it takes. When that doesn’t happen, you can feel beaten down. Start up again in a couple of weeks. Everyone starts to enroll on sites to secure holiday relationships :)

          Summer is the worst time to be online. Vacations, being out in public interferes with being online :)

            1. OMG HOLY HELL DO NOT USE CRAIGSLIST!!
              Dating can suck…especially when you are in a bad place. Kerry, give yourself a break, a long break. Get your head clear. You aren’t the only one who has those feelings we all get them…just can’t let it get the best of YOU!!

                  1. You are so right! We have all experienced some dating setbacks that makes us re-calibrate.

                    Oh absolutely! We are creating a community that supports one another, let’s each other rant when we need to, and reel it in when we need that!

                    Thanks for always doing all 3 for me! :)

                    1. Oh no…I am still on break & will be for awhile…but I am getting an ad READY for CL (for when, & if, I ever get back in). I keep a dating notebook, & if you ever read it…you would wonder why I haven’t just blown my head off.

                    2. Oh ok. Well, if you think that’s the best solution for you, then try it and let us know how it goes :)

                      Isn’t your dating notebook your blog :) I did read some of your entries & I agree that you do have opportunistic people approach you. Which is very consistent with POF & CL male experiences.

                      Don’t respond to people that send mass messages. It sounds like they just add your name to the top. Even if you go through a few days with not contacting people, it spares you from the frustration.

                      iDating is challenging, so you have to figure out a strategy to minimize some of the bs people out there.

                    3. yes, it is…But I meant a notebook I had before I got on here. I will keep you updated on my progress, good or bad. I’ll even let you know when I put it up on CL.

                    4. Well, anything from, “I’m already seeing someone” to “I’m not sure I want to date” to “you’re not 6ft”….I even had one tell me, “You’re not blond.”

                    5. Ahh so it’s not you that they are rejecting; it’s that you don’t meet their preferences.

                      That’s not bad, Kerry. We all have preferences so you can’t fault people for having them. What is happening for you is that your desire to be in a relationship is outweighing your approach to a relationship. You are an accomplished bodybuilder so you know that what it takes to be competitive and good at getting what you want. However, you can’t apply that technique to dating. You train really hard right? You hope that you are gonna win right? But, don’t you select what competitions you have the advantage in or classify for? Doesn’t that take skill, calculation, discipline, and discernment?

                      Do you expect to win just because you showed up to the competition? You can’t expect that people should just want to be with you just because you show up at a bar/online.

                      Much like your competitions, online dating is about odds and ratios. It’s about who is the better fit, not who answers an ad the quickest.

                      You compete in places that you classify for right? Then you should be on dating sites that is also going to yield you better odds. It’s not an ego game, it’s a heart game.

                    6. AGREED…& highly so! Just so you know…I’m NOT looking for numbers; I’m looking for a committed relationship…it’s all I ever wanted. My problem is, I NEVER fit in with what anybody wants.

          1. Aw, thanks, blushing over here! :) I’ll definitely be writing more on this – it keeps the pressure off dating when you know that at the very least, it’ll be a funny story to share on your blog…

    1. Thank you so much! So glad you agree! Tinder?! You are part of their experiment! ;) For research purposes, I have toyed with it. I’m gonna keep coming back to your blog for an article on it. Have you tried Hinge? Matchmaker cafe? Also fb apps.

      1. Ha yeah I’m part of their experiment, but it’s enabling me to do my own experiment – it’s a win win!

        I haven’t heard of Hinge or matchmaker cafe… I will take a look, but will most probably stick to tinder for a bit. Dating feels like a full time job at the moment. Thanks for the tips!

          1. At least people are getting dates…I have trouble just even getting them! I’ve quit Datehookup (yes, the name stinks), Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, Christiandate, Fusion101, Zoosk, Hot or Not, & countless others I have forgotten…not to mention that I tried an actual matchmaking service, which was a disaster in itself. Now, I’m trying Craigslist, which will, no doubt, end up being another disaster…I also tried dating on Facebook for a little while, that was also an unmitigated disaster. I’ve run out of ideas. Bottom line, as bad as you think you’re doing…there are others who are doing much worse! Craigslist IS my LAST option, & it’s not going well. At first, I thought it was, but I’ve received no responses on there, except for things like “Help, I’m stranded in Nigeria, & if you help get me out, I will come to you & bear your children”, which we all know is a con to send money. I’ve run out of ideas.

                  1. I read it this morning & will reread it again later. I do need to put together a little bit tighter list of what I want though, I do have the basics…kind, funny, etc. My problem is that when I was younger (Jr. High School) I used to try & talk to females all the time, but I kept getting turned down by whomever I asked, & as a result, I wound up gun-shy…& I’m still painfully gun-shy to this day, not shy, but gun shy…there IS a major difference. When I see someone I like, & decide to ask her out…I freeze up. Other than that, I’m pretty much ok. I’m reserved around people to begin with…I largely don’t trust them (ESPECIALLY in the dating area, because I’ve been lied to so much!), so I genrally keep my mouth shut around people I don’t know (I got that trait from my mom). When I’m around friends, I’m fine. But I’m generally not someone who speaks first. I have a synopsis of my dating life that I wrote about a year ago (I will wend it to you via your email so you can see what I’m dealing with). I did not include it in my wordpress journal, because I’m just keeping track of what happens to me in it. I don’t mind anybody seeing it though.

                    1. Glad the article was helpful to you! Will look for your email!

                      Since you feel anxiety when approaching women & it’s based on deep-seated pain, I suggest seeking out someone to help deal with the source of the pain.

                    2. Well, I’ve been seeing one for a number of years now, but pshychologists can only do so much & the more failures I have in dating, the worse it gets (that’s why I don’t want to date just to date, I want to find THE ONE….dating just to date is cruel)!

  10. I like your idea of “treat dating like a social experiment (or sport).” That’s what I tell others – if you look at it as the MEANS to the END that you really want, you’re likely to come across as desperate. Have fun with dating, and enjoy dating for what it is.

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