Top 10 things to help you heal from a failed relationship

First, I’d like to thank all of my followers and readers. I am extremely grateful for your support. Many of you I have cried, laughed, cheered, and ranted with. Most of all I feel like we have gotten to a better place together.

When you are not in a relationship, getting over a relationship/divorce, the holidays can be a challenging time of the year. Each relationship we go through really teaches us about what we need or what we needed to overcome to set you up for a healthy relationship. If you’re currently struggling to get over a relationship, there are a few things you can think about to help overcome some of the pain associated with the break-up.

hearts1. Think about the things that lead you to that relationship in the first place.

2. Think about the things that attracted you to the person.

3. Think about what you were looking for before you got into the relationship.

4. Think about the fears you may have had before you got into the relationship.

5. Think about the things you felt before you got into the relationship.

6. What did the person make you feel about yourself?

7. What did they respond to within you?

8. What did you experience that you hadn’t experienced before?

9. Did you see yourself with the person before you met them?

10. Did you date someone out of your character?

Once you have identified the reasons for some of these questions, you’ll have the answers to help propel you to the next relationship. Sometimes, we keep carrying unnecessary burdens into new relationships. You possess the answers to all that you are feeling; you just have to look at the situation from a different angle. The answers are all within you. You can harm or heal yourself. Returning to the point of who you were before the relationship; puts you in a place of empowerment rather than psychological persecution.  It’s within understanding the unhealthy relationships that we find ourselves and gets us closer to a healthy relationship.

46 thoughts on “Top 10 things to help you heal from a failed relationship

  1. All great tips. This one in particular really spoke to me:

    10. Did you date someone out of your character?

    And the answer is a definite yes!! And even though it lasted a while and we lived together, I will never date someone again who is out of character for me again!

    Great tips.

    1. It certainly plays out differently in our heads doesn’t it? You think your giving someone that you normally wouldn’t opportunity & that it won’t be as stressful as it really is. The worst part is how you feel about yourself afterwards.

  2. I was spellbound with this article of yours.
    If you are a WOMAN, hats-off to this ‘another’ smart and brilliantly empathetic woman other than me 🙂
    If you are a MAN, I admire you deeply 😛

  3. For me personally, with the break up of my marriage I have found it important to insert a “3a” into your list. That point would be “think about what you might want from a future relationship” and I came to realise that I want slightly different things now from them.

    Good list!

    1. This is a very valid point! Not only is it on the spot, I was thinking about creating a separate post focusing on what you learned you wanted from the thinking post.
      Because as you’ve made us realize the timeframe can be a factor what we learned about while in the relationship is just as important as what we felt prior. I was hoping that people would read this is a process to focus on the hopeful state they where in and not the negative what I put up with/didn’t get in the relationship!

  4. i think your questionare are brilliant 🙂
    especially this 9. Did you see yourself with the person before you met them?..
    that.. right on the heart lady, hahaha..

    great writing, excellent tips.
    😀

  5. 22 years ago, I woke up one day with my normal life, wife, mother of 5 sons, teacher, By the end of that day, my children and I were hiding in fear and I knew life would never be the same. Long story short. – I divorced, I raised my sons, found new love, married in 2004. I have grandchildren and have worked hard to make sure that my sons and grandchildren have a safe and amicable relationship with their father/grandfather – my ex.
    He is part of every family occasion – birthdays, graduations, holidays. Healing and forgiving are possible, although, I still find myself going back to resentment and hurt sometimes. Mostly, I feel lucky that we are an expanded family, no longer a broken one.

    1. You are an inspiration to us all! It takes courage to leave a relationship that has the appearance of comfort and normal. It takes even more strength to cultivate a semblance of a relationship for the sake of intergenerational stability. Kudos to you and your family for creating that balance!
      Unfortunately, resentment and hurt are lengthy and we work to get to points were it becomes minimized. Thank you so much for your inspiring and life affirming comments!!!

      1. Thank you! I have been very blessed in many ways in my life. Ultimately, i believe most of us are doing the best we can. Sometimes, that isn’t really very good, but it is what the person is capable of at the moment. I don’t want to enable, but I don’t want to blame or condemn. I believe that there are many kinds of love and that it can be expressed in many ways. So I have been fortunate to be able to continue loving, despite knowing that I could never live with that person again. We gave each other 5 beautiful sons who have grown into good men. That’s a lot to be grateful for.

        1. It’s so true! We really are trying to do the best we can to cope with life’s challenges. It’s a process that we can just hope we don’t experience the same type of pain and hurt repeatedly. I realized the same thing about love. It’a an ability and we strive to share & possess it. For those that are not on the same trajectory as we are in our ability to express love all we can do is hope that one day they forgive themselves and heal. For me, being grateful for what I have and am helps me cope with what other’s don’t have or what I strive to achieve. Are you doing public speaking or writing a book?

          1. Funny that you would ask that…i have done public speaking, but not about anything like this – more about education.
            And, I just finished a novel and found a publisher, but it has nothing to do with any of this either.
            I used to write a newspaper column in the 80s and early 90s…about raising kids and being a teacher…sort of Erma Bombeck type column with some serious ones now and then.

            I really enjoy public speaking.
            What about you?

            1. Same here: most of my public speaking is more technical and educational. But it is still based on empowering and motivating. The blog is my book idea. Since that publishing world has changed, I decided to test out my writing and develop the business model.
              I knew you had previous writing and public speaking experience! I thought you might have had a new idea with the blog. Would be great for you to teach us how to create family balance, cope with starting fresh, etc. the world really needs that. I have been thinking a great deal about what happened in Sandy Hook and what we (especially clinicians) could do as a society to prevent senseless murder.

              1. Hi,
                I am so sorry for the long delay in replying. The Christmas holidays meant that all 5 of my sons, wives and grandchildren arrived. Of course, this is a most wonderful thing for me – surrounded by my family. Everyone had left by New Years, but a trip, a death in the extended family, filming a local access weekly TV show (new endeavor for me) and getting the final manuscript of my novel to the publisher, babysitting for my grandkids and a bout with the flu conspired to keep me away from my blog.
                Your idea about me teaching about family balance, coping, starting over is intriguing to me. I never thought of doing that intentionally, but in some ways, I guess that was what my column was all about. (Long time ago!)
                i know what you mean about Sandy Hook. Besides being such a profound tragedy, I think it points to something deeply wrong in our society, I have been trying to figure out why Americans have such a love affair with guns. The night of the shooting, a bunch of women ( most of whom I don’t know) got on a conference call to share our sorrow and pray for healing for the families and the nation. Since then, I have really wanted to do something, but other than random acts of kindness, I have not done anything other than meditate on love and forgiveness. I hope my novel will help to make people, young and old, think about how we treat each other and how we treat the earth.
                Anyway, I hope to read more of your blogs and to stay in touch.
                Peace!
                Jan

  6. Thanks for this post. Certainly some things there to help me put a failed friendship into perspective, and not before time either.

  7. I’m nominating you again. For one I love your blog and if you had not chose me I would have chosen you anyways so for me to not add you to my list of Blog of The Year 2012 Award just didn’t make any sense to me even tho’ you have other nominations. I can come to your blog and find humor and learn from your experience. To me this is what life is all about. All of us using our lives as a roaming classroom educating others on our life lessons in hope of preventing others from going down that same road of destruction. Keep up the great work, even tho’ that goes without saying. I know I messed up when posting on my page about this award especially on the image I posted but I’m still learning so please forgive me. To follow with the “rules” I have nominated your blog for the Blog of The Year 2012 Award. For more information you may click the link to my blog http://quitusingexcuses.com/2012/12/27/what-an-honor-to-be-nominated-for-the-blog-of-the-year-2012-award Congratulations!!! 🙂

  8. Wow! I am beyond words really! It’s beyond an honor! I am so grateful and rewarded that you find it helpful in your life! That’s all we can ask to be for one another, right? To give each other more than what money can give them.It’s always nice to be appreciated! Thank you so much for the compliments,encouragement,support and nomination! All the best for you in 2013 & beyond, My dear Que!

  9. Very thought provoking words and very helpful. As a friend of mine told me if we take the time to realize that at some point we were hurt before and made it through to be here today and we’re ok that we’ll make it through the next pain just as well.

    1. Thanks so much for your insightful comments. You are so right that we do forget that we go through relationships and live through the hurt when they fail. Yet, we also forget that we learn more about ourselves while we are in relationships and that’s what causes the hurt.

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