Really? And that’s why you’re just a dumbass

Say you want to meet someone that has the potential for long-term, Β would you write this?

“I think you’re hot. So I’ll lay it all out…

I would like to date someone open to BDSM and some kinky pursuits in a and passionate relationship. I seek a submissive woman who craves a dominant man as a private element to our monogamous relationship.Β 

Does this appeal to you? Do you want to know more?”

Probably not, right? Ok, so let’s look at the strategy shall we? πŸ™‚ So, this message gets sent out to x amount of women hoping that a fraction of that number responds back to you. And I completely appreciate that you are treating online dating like a job interview. Qualifying candidates to put them on a return call list. Very efficient strategy πŸ™‚ I wonder how many wound up on that return call list?

Want to improve your online dating odds, here’s some tips from a behavioral scientist:

1. Online is hard because you can’t convey the 3-D you. When writing to someone, write as though you are addressing your target audience. The above letter was written by a man trying to appeal to a woman, but sounds like a sales pitch.Β Don’t write as yourself about what you want only. Be genuine and appeal to the gender you are writing to. Β 

2. Try to be congruent. If you list that your main relationship option is to find a potential long term relationshipΒ but act like you just want a casual encounter; it can be perceived as deceptive. Which will definitely not result in any dates with what you want.

3. Try to be alluring. The main point of the communication and online dating is to go on a date(s). Rather than writing out your life story before meeting, save that for a date! For men trying to attract women, women appreciate you trying to pursue and impress them. It is kind of replicating the real world. For women trying to attract men, men appreciate women that they won’t quickly categorize as having “issues”.

38 thoughts on “Really? And that’s why you’re just a dumbass

  1. Although on the receiving end of that message – I’d rather know that upfront and avoid the situation all together then find out months in after falling for them that they have this be an issue down the line. And you never know, there’s someone out there for everyone! And I’ve dealt with/ dated a few too many who need to hear #2!

    1. Oh I agree! I appreciate that he’s being upfront about it. It’s about #2 for me, too. My profile doesn’t indicate BDSM, so why contact me? πŸ™‚

      Thanks for sharing your insights! I really appreciate it! I completely agree and feel like we should at least minimize the amount of people that we don’t want and maximize the ones we do!

  2. No, just no. Unless that person has made is specifically clear that that is what they too are looking for, you don’t lay it down like that – it’s too much, too soon.

    For men trying to attract women, women appreciate you trying to pursue and impress them. It is kind of replicating the real world. For women trying to attract men, men appreciate women that they won’t quickly categorize as having β€œissues”

    Actually, I would say the best thing is to show you actually read their profile and talking about the things they have in common with you. That goes a long way.

  3. Is that what I am doing wrong? lol… I wonder myself how many men do that? I am quite straight forward for the most part an although I don’t embrace nor have the same desires as the letter writer would like to know the lady I am taking the time and making the effort to date isn’t a prude. Love the post and the bluntness as well as the genuine advise as well as the comments shared. I am actually having to wonder what he was thinking and why he would write such a note. πŸ™‚ I think I will refrain from online dating a little longer, do women write such notes?

    1. The open requests for BDSM have increased Joe. I think if we take a page from his book and are honest about what we want, we might fair better online.

      As far as women writing these notes, I’m not sure. But if we look at Craig’s list as a data reference for what people seek, you will find women requesting what they want. πŸ™‚

      1. BDSM is not high on my list… πŸ™‚ I guess I am a little bit too respectful of myself and women I want to share my life with or at least that is my perception.

        I may be up front yet not quite that upfront… Perhaps a little bit of I would like a partner that is open minded and perhaps a little kinky likes it daily twice on Saturdays yet not in the first note.. Kind of thing.

        Thanks for the post and the comment back, hope all is well with you. Just curious was that note written to you?

        1. oh yes Joe!!! He included a link to pics on tumbler that I didn’t check.

          If I would have used someone else’s story, I would have disclosed that up front πŸ™‚

          So glad to hear from you! I have missed our discussions πŸ™‚

          1. I have missed them as well… I owe you a large hug and thank you! I also wanted to ask about how to get a certification I would like to get. I shall send a note via e mail.

            Your suitor obviously was in need of your advice on another level… lol πŸ™‚

              1. I am working on becoming a transcendental therapist… There are no schools for such that I am aware of and you were one of those I thought could point me in that direction… Some things you can’t find on the internet it seems.

          1. I mean you’re smart beautiful… Don’t you get the cream of the crop? Really… Don’t tell me the world of dating is filled with jerks, liars and near do wells… You don’t hear, “I’m living in my moms basement so I can save up to buy a house”?

            1. LOL thanks for your exceptionally kind words! I really appreciate it! I think we are all subject to whoever is on the internet. Do I have an intimidating factor to some people? Maybe. So I don’t get a lot of those types approaching me regularly. Online and offline I tend to attract the same type of guys. Not intimidated by intelligence types. Maybe. Not everyone is gonna take a chance with someone that they know won’t work out in the real world.

              But, everyone is fair game on the internet. I get a small number of these types of messages and what do I do? I post it here so everyone can have a gander.

              But, I am too busy to use online dating. I rely on the public πŸ™‚

    1. Oh you are so right Rida! The # of these open requests have grown exponentially because of grey. They were happening before, they just weren’t open about it! Happy that he can get his needs met πŸ™‚

    1. Thanks so much kdub155! I really appreciate your kind words! Oh yeah I agree the response rate is low. But, you might find newbies making the error of thinking it’s authentic for them.

      Oh the best part? He included a pic from his tumbler account! Bahahah! I didn’t investigate it. How wrong would it have been to use it in my post? πŸ™‚

  4. It just seems like it’s a numbers game. Something too many woman play too. They talk about wanting a serious relationship, then post seductive pictures. Maybe these guys figure if they toss out enough lines, someone’s bound to bite.
    I’m tired of it all. In just a few days my last online account will be closed. I couldn’t be happier. Too much time weeding through the crap, and finding myself just taking advantage of the easy ones that just don’t make lasting relationships.
    Enough.
    It is greatly entertaining though.

    1. You are so right Dawn! I have been thinking about writing an article addressing women about their incongruent behavior. Thanks for reminding me!

      Sorry that you had such a shitty experience online! Glad you are not putting up with other people’s bull shit any longer. You will do well in public!

      It’s a real shame that so many really fabulous women are made to feel like ordinary girls. It’s completely a polluted environment.

      1. It’s this age we are in where online gives people anonymity and they act it ways they wouldn’t face to face.
        I’m just going to take the face to face….you can see what’s coming much faster.

        1. I agree with you 200%!

          When I got off online is when I met the best person! In public it’s a lot more fun. Flirting, see someone’s reaction, have f2f interaction. I sound like a dinosaur πŸ™‚

  5. This is a classic example of “spray and pray” strategy. Low investment of time, copy, paste, send, send, send, see what comes back. He’s bound to hit a few random targets.

  6. This is on target advice. An appeal to your target audience is the only way you will find the happiness you are looking for if your needs are specific. That being said, BDSM guy watches too much porn.

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