Top 3 things to help get over an ex.

Dealing with a break-up, separation or divorce is often difficult. Here are aย few things that can help you cope with the break-up, separation or divorce.

1. Try to refrain from highlighting negative things about your ex. Simply because it disrespects you. Afterall, you were in the relationship with the person. When you re-tell events or character flaws, the person listening will wonder why you were in the relationship to begin with. Utilize your discussions to be about rebuilding yourself and not diminishing the other person because that doesn’t improve your sense of self. It may feel good in the short-term, but not long-term.

breakup 2. Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives. That way you will have different outlets to express the range of your emotions.ย ย Especially when dealing with divorce where you can experience anger, resentment, and loss all in the same breath.

3. Forgive yourself. The only thing you did was try to show someone love and cultivate a life for you both. Allow yourself to feel the pain and unburden yourself of what was your former life. All you did was demonstrate that you have the capacity to love and build a life for yourself. You can do it again.

Thanks to a great relationship wellness panel discussion by The Law Firm ofย Wisselman, Harounian & Associates, P.C.

53 thoughts on “Top 3 things to help get over an ex.

  1. When you re-tell events or character flaws, the person listening will wonder why you were in the relationship to begin with.

    This is a double edged sword. Personally now having gone through that, I think it is a coping mechanism to detract from the feelings of having lost that person. Remembering the good times is hard and so you will focus on the worst in order to convince yourself that you are better off without that person.

    Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives.

    You know what I found most vital? Opposite sex friends. I think there’s a dynamic that exists between opposite sex friends that you don’t get with your same sex friends – who generally offer nothing more than platitudes and affirmations. Though these are good to a point, the perspective of an opposite sex friend gives a certain perspective and maybe a level of honesty you won’t get from same sex friends.

    1. I agree it is a coping mechanism, but it isn’t an optimal one. Yes, we will want to convince ourselves that we are better off, but that doesn’t have to be at the expense of our own judgement. We are degrading ourselves a bit when we downgrade the person we spent time with. It shows our dissatisfaction with our own decision. So, the alternative is to think the other person sucked and you keep repeating the same pattern?

      I completely agree a different gender will provide a different perspective. Men and women communicate entirely different with each other than among each other. It’s enriching to hear different coping methods rather than just affirmation. All too often we are seeking affirmation that renders us blameless.

      Each relationship provides us some lesson for growth.

      1. Yes, we will want to convince ourselves that we are better off, but that doesnโ€™t have to be at the expense of our own judgement.

        I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it per se, and would even say it is a natural part of grieving the relationship (a bit like denial and anger), but the problem is when we refuse to move out of it and fail to identify later on what it was – because then we get stuck in “I’m a victim” mentality.

        I felt that way about my ex-wife at the time but now I can look back and see with complete clarity, that we should never have stayed together as long as we did. None of that changes the wonderful times we did have, right up to the moment our marriage began to break down.

        1. Precisely!

          Yes, we often liken the divorce/long-term relationship separation to stages of grieving because it is the death of your former self.

          How long did it take for you to come to that realization about the relationship in it’s entirety?

          1. During therapy. We both took individual sessions to handle some issues that were about us as individuals. It was then that I realised it wasn’t right, mostly something I discussed in this post. Not sure you’ve read it, you haven’t liked or commented on it. That wasn’t the only issue, but on reflection it was a huge issue, more than either of us were prepared to admit at the time.

            1. Thanks for sharing your story. Sexual rejection in relationships is a very common problem.

              But I agree with you: you cannot compartmentalize your partner’s sexuality. You cannot love them, but reject them sexually. Their sexuality is a central part of who they are and a significant form of communication in a relationship.

              Can I ask what were the reasons she reversed the rejection to fault you and cheated?

                    1. I think you have a thankless task and a never-ending supply of difficulties to help with, but you’re doing a good job! It’s always good to get broad perspectives on these issues.
                      I’ve just sent you a looooong email ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. It’s hard, though. Especially when you’re still friends with them and you are watching their life move on (Facebook or Twitter) and you’re watching how they’re doing similar things with the new one. Getting over an ex can be incredibly difficult and time-consuming. But I agree; talking bad about them isn’t the way to go. Once I get over the pain of losing a guy, having their friendship is invaluable.

    1. You’re right it’s not easy. It doesn’t happen over night, but eventually it does. The cyber stalking becomes less ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Coming to terms with a past relationship only helps you get ready to be in a new one. But, you need to give yourself the time to heal and be ready. Don’t ruminate or be hard on yourself.

  3. Yea you are right, mine played the victim, the one played, and in fighting that lie I became what I hate most”the victim”. Its been hard, but even harder when you realize that every attempt to move on, dating, chatting, to figure out its him, its frustrating. Hense the decision to move from this town.

  4. #1 is great. I’m now happily married but when I was single I never shot down an ex for that very reason. Also, too, I never complained to girlfriends about a relationship issue. That should be dealt with one-on-one with the guy. Sometimes I’d break up with someone and people would say, “I never knew you were having a problem.” Yeah, because it’s not your business and I don’t go around trashing people ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Thanks so much for sharing your insights Maryanne! I really appreciate it.

      It’s a very common mistake. Since as women we like to synthesize experiences by talking, we forget that our relationship is something we’ll be judged by.
      On top of if you trash him/her and go back with them…

      1. Exactly — great point! Whenever a girlfriend complained about her guy, I’d discourage it and say, “Shouldn’t this be something to discuss with HIM?!”
        Have a super day, Clarissa ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. How do I get over an ex that wont go away? We broke up over a year ago and he is still calling. I have changed my number twice. He sends flowers to my office. I get mail from him. He just won’t leave me alone.

    1. That’s always difficult. Sorry to hear that he hasn’t moved on. Unfortunately, this has to do with ego and his inability to believe that you wouldn’t want to be with him. If you fell you have enough closure, you can block his accounts from being able to communicate with you. Other than that, only time heals.

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