Relationships can be challenging because of the things that are unresolved within us. We learn more about ourselves while we are in relationships through mirroring or confrontation of our true selves. This sometimes causes hurt because you might be resolving past hurt in a current relationship or dealing with aspects of yourself that are unexplored.
Sometimes we experience relationship failures because of our expectations. Those expectations become the disillusionment in the relationship. Here’s what we can do: the 3 D’s to help get closer to that ideal person.
- Distinguish between what you need and want. Your previous relationships where all tests of what you thought you wanted or needed or a combination of both. Extract the answers from those past experiences.
- Define what your happiness hypothesis entails. Be honest with yourself. The #1 person we lie to is ourselves. Despite the hurt you might have experienced, it made you recognize the things that you won’t find acceptable in another relationship.
- Decide what you want your life will look like with your ideal partner 5 years from now. Sometimes we focus on the immediate goals or just that we found someone. Go beyond the immediate time frame and add into the mix what it will be like to have that person along with you during major life events and how that person will handle goal-seeking together.
At my age (late 30s), number 3 is paramount to looking for potential dates. I’m not after fun, I’m certainly looking for a life partner with all the qualities I desire.
Thanks for sharing your insights, Chin up, Chest high! I completely agree that as you get older your tolerance for people’s emotional non-readiness declines. I think it’s critical that we apply #3 to our selection criteria at any age, though. Maybe if we did look more closely at potential partners in future scenarios, we might be able to better assess their fitness in our lives. After all, most of us don;t walk into marriages expecting divorce. There must be something about our decision-making process that we missed or didn’t see about the person.
Reblogged this on Finding The Will To Live.
Thanks so much for sharing my post, Brad! I really appreciate your support!
I want to read more about “mirroring or confrontation.” Any insight? Or prior blog posts of yours?
Thx and thank you for a insightful post. Definitely something to think about.
Thanks so much for your interest, proportionsinlife! I did develop a questionnaire to help guide people through some of the sub-optimal aspects of a failed relationship or patterns within relationships. you can read it here: http://wp.me/p2mgzx-5A
Which is just a primer for more extensive work in exploring some of the issues that one may confront in resolving why patterns in a relationship emerge and healing from past hurt. I was planning on delving into mirroring and self-exploration in a future post 🙂 It’s a topic I can write volumes about!
Glad you found this post useful. Let me know what you think of the healing post. I will begin developing the post. So, check back in a few days.
Great info in the patterns/failed relationship post. I’ve hit on most of those various points throughout the short lifespan of my blog and my super painful breakup. You’d think I was the first and only person to have lived through this sort of personal hell. I’m curious to read more about mirroring and self-exploration.
…this on the heels of a discussion I had today with my therapist who asks me, “do you think you don’t know yourself?” I nearly fell apart. Seriously!? After 40 years together, *I* don’t know my *self*?! But then again… maybe there’s some truth there. Clearly he held up a mirror for me…. no doubt. But now that he’s gone, can’t I hold the mirror for myself?
Thanks for your tremendous input. You give me hope that there’s a way out of this ridiculous pain.
In truth, knowing your self is a complex process. One that you were doing in the relationship and can absolutely do for yourself. As a therapist, I can tell you that you are taking the best step by getting personalized attention and investing in yourself to explore the deeper issues. Feelings are the precursor to behavior and sometimes expectations are at subconscious levels and we need to draw out those out to rid ourselves of pain. It’s hard for us experiencing the pain to see that. So, I applaud you in your efforts to a renewed you.
People are disappointing and inspiring at the same time. Dealing with the disappointment seems like it outweighs the inspiring points. But, it really sometimes is us ruminating and re-living pain.
So, happy that my techniques were helpful to you! Looking forward to hearing all about your path to wellness and healing!
I have nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. I truly enjoy reading your posts!! Click on the link below for details:
http://frankiedman.wordpress.com/2013/03/04/the-liebster-blog-award/
Wow! I am so honored to be nominated! I really appreciate it! Thank you so much!
Nice nomination Frankiedman. I was about to do the same.
Aww thank you so much! I really appreciate your support, Rahburt!
Good to know. And you’re welcome 🙂
Loved how you xplaind the whole process of knowing yourself… Evn I believe that the person you are with becomes your diary.. I m just a 17yr old teenage & dating is a new concept for me. So here’s what I think in this aspect; http://abhishek1point0.wordpress.com/2012/12/14/dating-20/
Thanks Abhishek! I really appreciate your comments and hearing your perspective. That is a very accurate analogy that the person you are with does become a version of a diary. Kudos to you for realizing that at such a young age! Thanks for sharing your article!
Always an honor when people like you give the credibilty!
Great stuff. I hope to find someone that is aware of such things as this. I found it ironic because I just recently shared my thoughts on Expectations http://robertmudge.wordpress.com/2013/02/15/dont-limit-yourself/. Oh and how did your dating site thing go?
Thanks so much Rahburt! Looking forward to reading your article and insights!
Thanks so much for asking about http://www.playidealdate.com/! It went really well. I am in the process of working on my next feature! Any interest? 🙂
Yeah we had talked about you contacting me for the last one, but I never heard back from you, ha. Glad it went well!
Thanks so much! I do apologize for the delay in my response. I have re-examined some of the approach since the live show. So, bear with us, we are working on making the experience even better! So glad that you are interested!
Thanks for sharing my work!!! I really appreciate it!!!
Awesome site. Thank you for posting this great material!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it! Currently, reviewing your site. Really great insights and content!!!
Thanks!
This is very helpful to me. I never looked at long term ramifications of relationships before. I just hoped for the best as they went along. Thank you.
Glad you found it useful, Jason! Too many people go through relationships hoping it improves. Most choose what they are familiar with than pursuing what is unfamiliar.