I started this site nearly 10 years ago out of necessity! I was struggling with my own poor decision-making and frustrated with my dating patterns. Ten years later, I developed a 6-week system called Your Happiness Hypothesis aka the H20 method based on an algorithm I started developing on this very blog. I am so grateful for your support throughout all of these years!
I started exploring all of my theories and conducted experiments on this blog on myself for everyone’s benefit đ I wanted to be raw, open, and supportive for all of us going through the same challenges and frustrations. Here’s the thing: you’re just a dumbass was a conversation I had with myself and other times it was about people I chose. I had to laugh at my irrationality because I spent many years crying over the choices I made.
Today, I can honestly celebrate so many reasons I am grateful to have started this blog: it led me to my husband, I scrutinized every aspect of dating in a research study of 5,000 singles that gained me over 900 media credits in just a few years and was deeply inspired by so many of you that gave me courage to keep taking risk and being vulnerable.
Hereâs a few things I learned and continue to learn about behavior: we can rationalize any relationship if we desire it that badly, our tolerance for other people’s bs behavior changes as we get older, and dating is data.
Don’t be afraid to take risks! The future you and the future of your happiness will thank you!
When you are getting over a relationship/divorce, thinking that you can be in a better relationship can be challenging. Each relationship we go through really teaches us about what we need or what we needed to overcome to set you up for a healthy relationship. If youâre currently struggling to get over a relationship, I developed this self-inventory about things you can think about to help overcome some of the pain associated with the break-up/divorce. This guide is designed for Introverts, Ambiverts and Extroverts to help you reflect on the past to help you break through to better future relationship outcomes.Â
Credit: Samgar Huettner
Think about the things that lead you to that relationship in the first place.
Think about the things that attracted you to the person.
Think about what you were looking for before you got into the relationship.
Think about the fears you may have had before you got into the relationship.
Think about the things you felt before you got into the relationship.
What did the person make you feel about yourself?
What did they respond to within you?
Once you have identified the reasons for some of these questions, youâll have the answers to help propel you to the next relationship. Sometimes, we keep carrying unnecessary burdens into new relationships. You possess the answers to all that you are feeling; you just have to look at the situation from a different angle. The answers are all within you. You can harm or heal yourself. Returning to the point of who you were before the relationship; puts you in a place of empowerment rather than psychological persecution. Â Itâs within understanding the unhealthy relationships that we find ourselves and gets us closer to a healthy relationship.
âSo, Iâve been dealing with a breadcrumber for a year. The usual: endless phone and video chats, stalking each other on social. Then thereâs talk of a date-that never happens! Then he reappears with the random âlikeâ on IG, âhey, WYD?â Whatsapp message, giving me false hope that maybe heâs not an asshole and IS going to make date plans. He reads my messages, but no reply. EVER.â Monica*, 22, European Blogger.
Thought breadcrumbing was just happening to millennials or just Americans? Not according to my latest research! Itâs happening for Millennials and GenXers across the globe to both men and women. Many are experiencing it, but donât know there is a term for it. Regardless of the term, the experience alone should trigger red flags.
Hereâs the backstory: Kelly met Jake a year ago, right after he left the mother of his children. Red flag #1. They were on and off, for about 3 months and then he hooked up with his former baby momma and she got pregnant, again. Red flag #2. Fast forward to now, he has been living with the baby momma and two kids, but has reached out to Kelly to rekindle things. Red flag #3. All the while, Kelly is breadcrumbing LaMar who seems like the ideal guy for her. âKelly openly told me she should try to build something with me instead of going with this guy, but for some reason she is still pressed on the guy.â LaMar, 29, American Programmer.
Supposedly LaMar is a âgreat role model, a fantastic supporter, a great friend, a great lover, and a great husbandâ. Yet, she has been balancing both men on and off for about a year now. Red flag #4.
Par for the course in your 20s, it is what social scientists call your âdefining decadeâ. It is the time in life that you establish your career, love life, and your philosophy about the world. In your 40s, youâve modified some of the ways you dealt with those definitions based on lifeâs challenges. You are better at calculating risk and measuring volatility when it comes to your sense of sanity. Long gone are the days of spending years in unfulfilling jobs or relationships. Or is it?
Deb Davis, 48, an American Healthcare Professional, explains âI connected with this man who I had known met for âcoffeeâ and spent 5 1/2 hours in a coffee shop. I had a message everyday first thing in the morning. The chemistry was something I had not experienced since I had fallen in love for the first time with my daughterâs father. And then nothing!â
We are just looking to connect with one person that isnât about games. Does breadcrumbing shaming have any impact on your future dating? Not according to Davis, âHe told me my first breadcrumber did what he did âbecause he didnât careâ! Well, WTF a man who wooed me, showed me love, and said âI love youâ and then never responded to me again! I think itâs safe to say he did that because âhe didnât careâ.â
âFor the last 7 years, these 2 guys that I briefly dated (at separate times) have always stayed in touchâ they will like some posts on FB or send me messages for valentinesâ day, my bday, or xmas. Whatever they say to you, I think they just like to have their ego stroked by having me respond, even if itâs just a polite response. Iââm not mad at either one, so I have not told them to lose my number, but it is very clear to me what they are doing: bread crumbing.â Melissa, 42, American Lawyer.
For many, people hold onto the hope of people not being the assholes they really are. How does breadcrumbing make you feel?
âIâm not so much hurt by it, but 1) Iâm curious and wondering if heâs okay (I always viewed him as a friend) and 2) thereâs a tiny part of me that assumes he found someone just a little skinnier, just a little prettier. That nagging low self-esteem creeps into the back of my subconscious as much as I try to push it away.â explains Hayley Nesbitt, 26, Canadian author of relationship blog 50 Shades of Tinder.
Weâre connecting, not committing. We are only broadcasting the positive aspects of our lives on social media-the highlight reels. If we only broadcast the âlook at meâ, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? In life, you donât always only get highlight reels. Who is by your side when the non-highlight reel moments occur in life? The drama queen? Baby daddy? 4th dude on tindr? The truth is that breadcrumbers donât really want to be in a relationship. The idea of one is different than having to really function in one.
In reality, all of these dating trends adds another dimension to an already fractured relationship. âIt was a tumultuous relationship to begin with, I just ignored the red flags. There will always be a shadow.â says Phillip, 32, IT Executive.
What should we do to cope?
âI hold out no hope that anything will ever be re-kindled with either one of these guys. If their messages bothered me, I would honestly just delete them from FB or block their numbers. That is the advice I would give to anyone that is upset by this tactic.â Melissa, 42, American Lawyer.
Approaching dating as though it is testing out what I call, Your Happiness Hypothesis, your personal algorithm that can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation or a list that includes the elements that you absolutely require and the elements that you think you want. Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself and not have to rely on someone elseâs BS.
âNo-one who loves you would do this to you. Therein lies the only solace youâre going to get: Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who knowingly causes you this much pain or disrespect?â says David, 44, Finance Executive.Â
Breadcrumbing, is the latest dating trend and label that replaces stringing along. The New York Times describes it as  âThey communicate via sporadic noncommittal, but repeated messages â or breadcrumbs â that are just enough to keep you wondering but not enough to seal the deal (whatever that deal may be). Breadcrumbers check in consistently with a romantic prospect, but never set up a date. They pique your interest, of that prospective job, perhaps, by reminding you repeatedly that it exists, but never set up the interview.â
Basically, youâre keeping your options open while stringing someone else along with the least amount of effort or regard for the other person. Like ghosting, the other person is entertaining them when they reach out. What kind of reaching out you ask? Oh, âlikingâ a photo on IG or fb is the signal that game is back on. Right. What? Itâs probably the saddest and minimal amount of effort to demonstrate interest in someone. I mean, we spend more time liking cat photos.
Urbandictionary.com
For us to accept these behaviors with disregard for how it impacts us emotionally is what the core of what I call, The Millennial Virus, is. What is it doing to our sense of self? Are we becoming more narcissistic? Are we becoming more insecure? Are we accepting sub-optimal relationships just to feel connected to something? Is technology driving dating, sex and emotion? Is it creating a generation that is passive-aggressive in life?
As a Behavioral Scientist, what amazes me is the hypersensitivity we all seem to have about almost all aspects of life EXCEPT relationships. Isnât it interesting that we stand up against bullying, shaming, or political un-correctness; but with people we have interest in we act with total disregard? Some say itâs technology thatâs driving our behavior, some say itâs the lack of employment, or that we are to attached to our devices or the way we are cognitively evolving.
Letâs look at some of the most common types that will most likely breadcrumb:
Stalker types. These are the ones that reach out on your social feeds every now and then, but donât follow-up with any sentences J They treat you like you are a notification on fb that they forgot they were connected to. If they canât reach out to you in a text, what makes you think they are interested in having something pop off with you?
Booty call types. These are the âDTFâ âWYDâ messages youâll get at night. They arenât interested in going beyond just the sexual set up you have. If this is acceptable to you, proceed with caution. Because it may not evolve into a
Canât get over you types. These are the ones that reach out to you months and years after itâs over in hopes of rekindling the relationship. If they failed the first time, chances are they arenât new and improved. They just realize the error in not having you in their lives and hope that you are going to want to waste time with them again.
Predator types. These types stalk you on your social feeds to keep abreast of the latest going on in your life. Once they notice a difference in posts or photos that indicates your seeing someone or they see that your seeing someone, they all of a sudden find you interesting. If they were on the fence about dating you and only reach out because you are happy in a new relationship, enjoy your new relationship.
In all these types, the underlying issue is not just their non-commitment issues, itâs their ego. Filtering through hundreds of profiles, spamming everyone, and getting rejected is rough on the ego. A way to deal with the rejection ratio is to find any kind of attention. Â At the end of the day, people want to feel some level of relevance, importance or their own delusions of grandeur. Some get their rocks off by knowing that theyâve hooked you with a like or that you are still around when they disappear. Their ego is fulfilled when they reach out to you after months and you accepted their previous behavior and continue in a cycle of a dis-satisfactory relationship. Your ego, on the other hand, begins to take a hit to your self-esteem. Now youâre asking yourself questions like: why they reached out if they hadnât ever planned to follow through, whatâs the point of reaching out to me and why not meet up with me and finally why do I continue to attract these bullshit types?
Uncertainty. Why? Because there is high instability in the economy, job market, relationships and almost all aspects of life and no viable solution in sight. Yes, the days of life-long employment are long gone. But, that was shifting over a decade now. Back in my day đ I had to walk 7 miles in the snow barefoot to get to work đ lol I was treating my career as though I was entrepreneurial. Each job was hierarchical in salary and title lending to broader marketability and skill sets. Searching for love requires the same level of detail as reviewing a job offer.
You’ll go through clauses in your contract looking for loop holes, right? You won’t accept terms you don’t want, right? Why apply a different barometer to dating? Why not approach dating like you would a job offer? Or are we? Are we accepting any offer just because it’s an offer? Personality drives profession and partner selection. The key to success in either area is self-awareness. At least according to Gary Vaynerchuck đ Are we opting out of romance or dating for ghosting, benching, gas lighting [insert other dating pattern bs here]? For some, sex has become a screener, your genitals have no value, and photoshop is self-improvement. Technology drives dating patterns, behavior and sex. Why not create your own personal algorithm?Â
Approach online and IRL dating like it’s a social experiment. It really IS. Treat dating like you are collecting data on what you want and donât want. See what combinations of qualities and characteristics better complement you. Approaching dating as though it is testing out what I call, Your Happiness Hypothesis, can help minimize some of your own expectations. Create an equation (just like the dating sites) that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires.
For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that youâd like to have. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself. Reversing the process of what random pool gets sent to you or selects you.
I recently had the honor of participating on HuffPost Live’s segment “How We Can Understand Love Through Science” with Dr. Sue Johnson. Dr. Johnson’s book, Love Sense, is a result of her groundbreaking research on our emotional bonds and attachment styles. Love Sense “presents new scientific evidence that tells us that humans are meant to mate for life. Dr. Johnson explains that romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child, and shows us how to develop our “love sense”–our ability to develop long-lasting relationships. Love is not the least bit illogical or random, but actually an ordered and wise recipe for survival.” -Little, Brown and Company
Dr. Johnson says that she wrote this book as both a guide and a warning. Tune in to hear about her views on sex, dating, love, and the impact social media plays on our relationships. http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/third-metric-thrive-on-live-love-sense-dr-sue-johnson/5363f31f02a7604eae00045c She’s concerned about our relationships in the age of technology because “it is making people lonelier and more isolated”. I asked her what her thoughts were on online dating and why single women are having difficulty finding sincere men. I see it as a function of online dating. We treat online dating like we do our social media streams and select only the images that stand out to us. Is it related to a faulty attachment style? Tune in to hear Dr. Johnson’s take.
What do you think? Are we selecting people based on superficial qualities and discounting other factors? Do you think online dating makes it easier to run game? What frustrates you the most about online dating?
When you’re dating down, you aren’t always aware that you are doing it. I came up with an inventory to help you identify some of the red flags on Stop dating down! If you are doing 4 or more of these things, chances are you are settling in your relationship. Once you realize this is a feature of your relationships, then you can see if this yields a pattern in your life.
So, let’s begin by talking about the types of thinking that occurs, then we’ll talk about what occurs as a result.
Type 1: I know that s/he isn’t xyz, but they possess abc.
Type 2: I know that s/he isn’t what I normally date, but I was unsuccessful with my past types.
Both types create a false sense of intimacy, hope, trust, and disillusionment in the relationship. If you are lying to yourself in the relationship, it’s easy to disillusion yourself about the realities of the relationship. In addition to decreasing your standards, you are changing your tolerance level of other people’s lies they tell themselves and you accepting it as your reality (their bullshit).
Which invariably creates Type 3: I’m getting a shot at someone I normally wouldn’t have a shot with and this is great! Â
This is creating a false sense of hope in someone else and they will apply that to their next relationship. Type 3 will pursue people that they probably wouldn’t ever approach because they have this new inflated self-esteem. While the person who has admitted to dating down, has a diminished self-esteem.
As a women of color and scientist, it is incredibly exciting for me to see the technological and scientific advances in society and to see so many women who want to pursue a career in STEM. Please encourage, support, or mentor women in “non-traditional” careers till we no longer call it nontraditional.
If anyone would have asked me “do you think you will be on a Times Square jumbotron and sharing techniques that you developed on open public platforms?”Â
What a true honor of being nominated for the Blog of the Year 2013 Award from one of my favorite bloggers, http://ljoysharkey.wordpress.com! Who is an amazingly gifted writer. When you can check out her Dear Diary and her Rants & Raves section, both will have you entertained and in awe of her writing styles. Thank you for sharing your life and talent with us!
Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen â thereâs no minimum or maximum number of blogs required â and âpresentâ them with their award;
Include a link back to this page âBlog of the Year 2013â Award and provide these ârulesâ in your post (please donât alter the rules or the badges!)
Let the blog(s) you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the ârulesâ with them
As a winner of the award â please add a link back to the blog that presented you with the award â and then proudly display the award on your blog and sidebar ⌠and start collecting starsâŚ
This is in no ranked order. I admire and am inspired by them all equally. The list of my nominees are:
