What I learned in the past decade

I started this site nearly 10 years ago out of necessity! I was struggling with my own poor decision-making and frustrated with my dating patterns. Ten years later, I developed a 6-week system called Your Happiness Hypothesis aka the H20 method based on an algorithm I started developing on this very blog. I am so grateful for your support throughout all of these years!

I started exploring all of my theories and conducted experiments on this blog on myself for everyone’s benefit 🙂 I wanted to be raw, open, and supportive for all of us going through the same challenges and frustrations. Here’s the thing: you’re just a dumbass was a conversation I had with myself and other times it was about people I chose. I had to laugh at my irrationality because I spent many years crying over the choices I made.

Today, I can honestly celebrate so many reasons I am grateful to have started this blog: it led me to my husband, I scrutinized every aspect of dating in a research study of 5,000 singles that gained me over 900 media credits in just a few years and was deeply inspired by so many of you that gave me courage to keep taking risk and being vulnerable. 

Here’s a few things I learned and continue to learn about behavior: we can rationalize any relationship if we desire it that badly, our tolerance for other people’s bs behavior changes as we get older, and dating is data. 

Don’t be afraid to take risks! The future you and the future of your happiness will thank you!

7 Things To Help You Cope With a Break-up Or Divorce

When you are getting over a relationship/divorce, thinking that you can be in a better relationship can be challenging. Each relationship we go through really teaches us about what we need or what we needed to overcome to set you up for a healthy relationship. If you’re currently struggling to get over a relationship, I developed this self-inventory about things you can think about to help overcome some of the pain associated with the break-up/divorce. This guide is designed for Introverts, Ambiverts and Extroverts to help you reflect on the past to help you break through to better future relationship outcomes. 

Credit: Samgar Huettner

 

  1. Think about the things that lead you to that relationship in the first place.
  2. Think about the things that attracted you to the person.
  3. Think about what you were looking for before you got into the relationship.
  4. Think about the fears you may have had before you got into the relationship.
  5. Think about the things you felt before you got into the relationship.
  6. What did the person make you feel about yourself?
  7. What did they respond to within you?

Once you have identified the reasons for some of these questions, you’ll have the answers to help propel you to the next relationship. Sometimes, we keep carrying unnecessary burdens into new relationships. You possess the answers to all that you are feeling; you just have to look at the situation from a different angle. The answers are all within you. You can harm or heal yourself. Returning to the point of who you were before the relationship; puts you in a place of empowerment rather than psychological persecution.  It’s within understanding the unhealthy relationships that we find ourselves and gets us closer to a healthy relationship.

You’re not dating, you’re co-texting

More and more our digital dating world keeps coming up with new terms for bad behavior. Thought it was just happening to millennials? Think again.  My Happiness Hypothesis study found that it is happening across the globe to both men and women for millennials and GenX. Many are experiencing it, but don’t know there is a term for it. It is creating the paradox effect in dating: the illusion of having more social engagement, social capital, and popularity; but masking one’s true persona and intent. Since some are interfacing digitally more than physically it is much easier to emotionally manipulate others because they are reliant on what I call “Vanity Validation“. Their digital persona is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes/swipes, not life experiences.

Social media creates global connectedness, sharing life events, dating ease; but it also can create lower self-esteem, obsessive social stalking, and “Vanity Validation”. Has social media facilitated suboptimal dating behaviors? Have we become too reliant on checking social? How has it impacted our dating lives? Has it become easier to ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb in today’s digital world? Are we causing self-inflicted pain while dating? For the Happiness Hypothesis Study, I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active online dating app users and found that:

  • 80% reported it being easier to ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb because of the lack of communication and face-to-face interaction
  • 80% of millennials reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
  • 45% reported the average length of dates in between ghosting someone was 8
  • 50% reported an average of at least 3 months before reaching out again to the person they ghosted

Meanwhile the other person waits to hear back and wonder why they weren’t worthy a response. These current dating trends are just an extension of how we use our social media. We’re treating people like we do our social media streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. But, there is a vicious cycle to these dating patterns. What fuels it? Social media! Being connected to the person that has ghosted, benched, gaslit or breadcrumbed can have detrimental effects on your self-esteem. When I asked how often do you check the social feeds of those that have expressed some form of interest in you? 90% said daily. Once they have had a ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing experience, it becomes weekly for 70%.

Are we creating a false reality? What is it doing to our sense of self? You’re a backup plan, but they text or reach out often enough to confuse you just in case their plan doesn’t work out. Are we becoming more narcissistic? Are we becoming more insecure? Has this behavior become normative? Is technology driving dating, sex and emotion?

The Dating Paradox

Social media has been linked to higher levels of loneliness, envy, anxiety, depression, narcissism and decreased social skills. As a Behavioral Scientist, I wonder what causes this paradox? The narratives we share and portray on social media are all positive and celebratory. It’s a hybridized digital version of “Keeping up with the Joneses”. Meaning for some, sometimes it appears everyone you know are in great relationships, taking 5-star vacations and living your dream life.

However, what is shared only broadcasts the positive aspects of our lives-the highlight reels.

Since we’re only getting people’s highlight reels and comparing it to ourselves, it is natural to have reactions to what we’re watching. How does this impact relationships, dating and our love lives? I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active social media users and found that:

  • 60% of people using social media reported that it has impacted their self-esteem in a negative way
  • 50% reported social media having negative effects on their relationship
  • 80% reported that is easier to deceive others through their social posting

Paradox Effect

It seems that social media is creating a paradox effect: giving off the illusion of many choices, while making it harder to find viable options. Can it be that our highly connected world has now become disconnected? Posting dinners, selfies and vacay photos over human interaction for some is interaction. That IS their interaction. The paradox effect in dating is creating the illusion of having more social engagement, social capital, and popularity, but masking one’s true persona. Since some are interfacing digitally more than physically it is much easier to emotionally manipulate others because they are reliant on what I call “Vanity Validation”. The one you portray on your networks and the true you, for some creates a double consciousness. Your lauded self on social media is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes, not life. 

Vanity Validation

In the latest Match Singles in America study’s findings on how social media has impacted people’s dating lives, they found that 57% of singles say social media has generated a Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO). In my study, 50% reported feeling FOMO when comparing themselves to others on social media, while 60% of millennials reported feeling FOMO. Are we comparing ourselves to other people’s highlight reels? Are we creating a false reality? It seems that we’re only willing to share things that get positive reinforcement. If we’re living through only focusing on the highlight reels, how do we express the negative side of our lives?

If you’re comparing yourself to someone else’s profile, aren’t you discounting yourself? Anything that we share on our streams are things that we’re either excited about or creating some popularity for yourself. Are we supposed to applaud that you eat? Are we supposed to applaud that you are out? Are we supposed to applaud the 100th seflie you took while you were out? Are we beginning to learn to relate to people for immediate gratification only?

Won’t this impact our dating behaviors? If we only broadcast the “look at me”, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? Are you surprised when people blow you off or lead you on aka ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb? Yet another paradox. Here we are thinking the world is a positive and reinforcing place, that we are interesting, we’re so popular; then we get ghosted, breadcrumbed, benched.

Is there a science to love?

HPLSJCS_62414I recently had the honor of participating on HuffPost Live’s segment “How We Can Understand Love Through Science” with Dr. Sue Johnson. Dr. Johnson’s book, Love Sense, is a result of her groundbreaking research on our emotional bonds and attachment styles. Love Sense “presents new scientific evidence that tells us that humans are meant to mate for life. Dr. Johnson explains that romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child, and shows us how to develop our “love sense”–our ability to develop long-lasting relationships. Love is not the least bit illogical or random, but actually an ordered and wise recipe for survival.” -Little, Brown and Company

Dr. Johnson says that she wrote this book as both a guide and a warning. Tune in to hear about her views on sex, dating, love, and the impact social media plays on our relationships. http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/third-metric-thrive-on-live-love-sense-dr-sue-johnson/5363f31f02a7604eae00045c She’s concerned about our relationships in the age of technology because “it is making people lonelier and more isolated”. I asked her what her thoughts were on online dating and why single women are having difficulty finding sincere men. I see it as a function of online dating. We treat online dating like we do our social media streams and select only the images that stand out to us. Is it related to a faulty attachment style? Tune in to hear Dr. Johnson’s take.

What do you think? Are we selecting people based on superficial qualities and discounting other factors? Do you think online dating makes it easier to run game? What frustrates you the most about online dating?

 

Top 3 things to help get over an ex.

Dealing with a break-up, separation or divorce is often difficult. Here are a few things that can help you cope with the break-up, separation or divorce.

1. Try to refrain from highlighting negative things about your ex. Simply because it disrespects you. Afterall, you were in the relationship with the person. When you re-tell events or character flaws, the person listening will wonder why you were in the relationship to begin with. Utilize your discussions to be about rebuilding yourself and not diminishing the other person because that doesn’t improve your sense of self. It may feel good in the short-term, but not long-term.

breakup 2. Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives. That way you will have different outlets to express the range of your emotions.  Especially when dealing with divorce where you can experience anger, resentment, and loss all in the same breath.

3. Forgive yourself. The only thing you did was try to show someone love and cultivate a life for you both. Allow yourself to feel the pain and unburden yourself of what was your former life. All you did was demonstrate that you have the capacity to love and build a life for yourself. You can do it again.

Thanks to a great relationship wellness panel discussion by The Law Firm of Wisselman, Harounian & Associates, P.C.

What people don’t tell you about dating the wrong types.

When you’re dating down, you aren’t always aware that you are doing it. I came up with an inventory to help you identify some of the red flags on Stop dating down! If you are doing 4 or more of these things, chances are you are settling in your relationship. Once you realize this is a feature of your relationships, then you can see if this yields a pattern in your life.

So, let’s begin by talking about the types of thinking that occurs, then we’ll talk about what occurs as a result.

Type 1: I know that s/he isn’t xyz, but they possess abc.cheating

Type 2: I know that s/he isn’t what I normally date, but I was unsuccessful with my past types.

Both types create a false sense of intimacy, hope, trust, and disillusionment in the relationship. If you are lying to yourself in the relationship, it’s easy to disillusion yourself about the realities of the relationship. In addition to decreasing your standards, you are changing your tolerance level of other people’s lies they tell themselves and you accepting it as your reality (their bullshit).

Which invariably creates Type 3: I’m getting a shot at someone I normally wouldn’t have a shot with and this is great!  

This is creating a false sense of hope in someone else and they will apply that to their next relationship. Type 3 will pursue people that they probably wouldn’t ever approach because they have this new inflated self-esteem. While the person who has admitted to dating down, has a diminished self-esteem.

 

Top things you can do to ensure your happiness.

In honor of International Happiness Day, I have compiled a list of things that either reminds us of what happiness can be or what we can do to get to a state of happiness.

  1. People demonstrate what they are. We don’t pay attention to the signs.stop
  2. People are what they are, not what you want them to be.
  3. Life doesn’t happen to you. You have to play an active role in shaping it.
  4. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Identify the reason things are compelling you to do the things that you don’t want to do/that don’t make you happy.
  5. Sometimes you only realize someone’s worth when they are gone.
  6. Spending time with someone that doesn’t make you happy delays your happiness and theirs.
  7. You choose all that you allow in your life.

It’s not you, it’s me. It is you. The 3 D’s to help you get closer to that ideal person.

Relationships can be challenging because of the things that are unresolved within us. We learn more about ourselves while we are in relationships through mirroring or confrontation of our true selves. This sometimes causes hurt because you might be resolving past hurt in a current relationship or dealing with aspects of yourself that are unexplored.

Sometimes we experience relationship failures because of our expectations. Those expectations become the disillusionment in the relationship. Here’s what we can do: the 3 D’s to help get closer to that ideal person.desithnkg

  1. Distinguish between what you need and want. Your previous relationships where all tests of what you thought you wanted or needed or a combination of both. Extract the answers from those past experiences.
  2. Define what your happiness hypothesis entails. Be honest with yourself. The #1 person we lie to is ourselves. Despite the hurt you might have experienced, it made you recognize the things that you won’t find acceptable in another relationship.
  3. Decide what you want your life will look like with your ideal partner 5 years from now. Sometimes we focus on the immediate goals or just that we found someone. Go beyond the immediate time frame and add into the mix what it will be like to have that person along with you during major life events and how that person will handle goal-seeking together.

Top 10 things to tell the woman in your life

Men, do you want Valentine’s Day to come early? Tell the woman in your life any of these phrases 🙂

  1. I love you!
  2. You cooked, I’ll clean.
  3. I picked up something at Tiffany’s for you just because.
  4. You are right.
  5. You have my undivided attention. I’m listening.
  6. spaHow about you have a spa day, I’ll take care of the kids.
  7. You are an amazing wife and we are awesome parents.
  8. You are unbelievably beautiful and I am lucky to have you in my life.
  9. I ran a bath with your favorite rose petals soak for you.
  10. I don’t know what I did to deserve you!