I started this site nearly 10 years ago out of necessity! I was struggling with my own poor decision-making and frustrated with my dating patterns. Ten years later, I developed a 6-week system called Your Happiness Hypothesis aka the H20 method based on an algorithm I started developing on this very blog. I am so grateful for your support throughout all of these years!
I started exploring all of my theories and conducted experiments on this blog on myself for everyone’s benefit đ I wanted to be raw, open, and supportive for all of us going through the same challenges and frustrations. Here’s the thing: you’re just a dumbass was a conversation I had with myself and other times it was about people I chose. I had to laugh at my irrationality because I spent many years crying over the choices I made.
Today, I can honestly celebrate so many reasons I am grateful to have started this blog: it led me to my husband, I scrutinized every aspect of dating in a research study of 5,000 singles that gained me over 900 media credits in just a few years and was deeply inspired by so many of you that gave me courage to keep taking risk and being vulnerable.
Hereâs a few things I learned and continue to learn about behavior: we can rationalize any relationship if we desire it that badly, our tolerance for other people’s bs behavior changes as we get older, and dating is data.
Don’t be afraid to take risks! The future you and the future of your happiness will thank you!
Love is the hardest decision we ever make in life. What other decision takes decades to get right? And at what cost? Is it your sanity? Is it your money that you regret spending? Itâs not just money, itâyears of your life. Letâs do the math together.
Women: Appearance (clothing, shoes, makeup, creams, underwear, grooming, etc) Calculate each application and each purchase for each date.
Men: Appearance (clothing, shoes, creams, underwear, grooming, dry cleaning, etc) Calculate each application and each purchase for each date.
Actual meet up/date costs. This can range from $5 to $100 depending on where you go, what city you live in and what youâre doing. Calculate each date and multiply that by your dating life cycle.
Length of time during break up. Each year of you not being in the market has a cost to your age. Take away those years lost.
Credit: Pixababy
Love takes decades to get right. Factor in 10 years to perfect this decision-making ability.
Women: Take away five years of your reproductive life cycle.
Men: Take away five years to rebuild yourself financially.
Factor in past relationship failures and multiply that by three. On average we donât break out of patterns and cycles till we are faced with the pattern repeatedly. Generally, three times a charm.
Now factor all of this in over your dating life cycle. What is your total?
When you are getting over a relationship/divorce, thinking that you can be in a better relationship can be challenging. Each relationship we go through really teaches us about what we need or what we needed to overcome to set you up for a healthy relationship. If youâre currently struggling to get over a relationship, I developed this self-inventory about things you can think about to help overcome some of the pain associated with the break-up/divorce. This guide is designed for Introverts, Ambiverts and Extroverts to help you reflect on the past to help you break through to better future relationship outcomes.Â
Credit: Samgar Huettner
Think about the things that lead you to that relationship in the first place.
Think about the things that attracted you to the person.
Think about what you were looking for before you got into the relationship.
Think about the fears you may have had before you got into the relationship.
Think about the things you felt before you got into the relationship.
What did the person make you feel about yourself?
What did they respond to within you?
Once you have identified the reasons for some of these questions, youâll have the answers to help propel you to the next relationship. Sometimes, we keep carrying unnecessary burdens into new relationships. You possess the answers to all that you are feeling; you just have to look at the situation from a different angle. The answers are all within you. You can harm or heal yourself. Returning to the point of who you were before the relationship; puts you in a place of empowerment rather than psychological persecution. Â Itâs within understanding the unhealthy relationships that we find ourselves and gets us closer to a healthy relationship.
More and more our digital dating world keeps coming up with new terms for bad behavior. Thought it was just happening to millennials? Think again. My Happiness Hypothesis study found that it is happening across the globe to both men and women for millennials and GenX. Many are experiencing it, but donât know there is a term for it. It is creating the paradox effect in dating: the illusion of having more social engagement, social capital, and popularity; but masking oneâs true persona and intent. Since some are interfacing digitally more than physically it is much easier to emotionally manipulate others because they are reliant on what I call âVanity Validationâ. Their digital persona is constantly seeking more validation through electronic likes/swipes, not life experiences.
Social media creates global connectedness, sharing life events, dating ease; but it also can create lower self-esteem, obsessive social stalking, and âVanity Validationâ. Has social media facilitated suboptimal dating behaviors? Have we become too reliant on checking social? How has it impacted our dating lives? Has it become easier to ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb in todayâs digital world? Are we causing self-inflicted pain while dating? For the Happiness Hypothesis Study, I conducted in-depth interviews with men and women, ranging from ages 28-73, that are active online dating app users and found that:
80% reported it being easier to ghost, bench, gaslight or breadcrumb because of the lack of communication and face-to-face interaction
80% of millennials reported having experienced ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing firsthand
45% reported the average length of dates in between ghosting someone was 8
50% reported an average of at least 3 months before reaching out again to the person they ghosted
Meanwhile the other person waits to hear back and wonder why they werenât worthy a response. These current dating trends are just an extension of how we use our social media. Weâre treating people like we do our social media streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at, then move onto the next shiny object. But, there is a vicious cycle to these dating patterns. What fuels it? Social media! Being connected to the person that has ghosted, benched, gaslit or breadcrumbed can have detrimental effects on your self-esteem. When I asked how often do you check the social feeds of those that have expressed some form of interest in you? 90% said daily. Once they have had a ghosting, benching, gaslighting or breadcrumbing experience, it becomes weekly for 70%.
Are we creating a false reality? What is it doing to our sense of self? Youâre a backup plan, but they text or reach out often enough to confuse you just in case their plan doesnât work out. Are we becoming more narcissistic? Are we becoming more insecure? Has this behavior become normative? Is technology driving dating, sex and emotion?
âSo, Iâve been dealing with a breadcrumber for a year. The usual: endless phone and video chats, stalking each other on social. Then thereâs talk of a date-that never happens! Then he reappears with the random âlikeâ on IG, âhey, WYD?â Whatsapp message, giving me false hope that maybe heâs not an asshole and IS going to make date plans. He reads my messages, but no reply. EVER.â Monica*, 22, European Blogger.
Thought breadcrumbing was just happening to millennials or just Americans? Not according to my latest research! Itâs happening for Millennials and GenXers across the globe to both men and women. Many are experiencing it, but donât know there is a term for it. Regardless of the term, the experience alone should trigger red flags.
Hereâs the backstory: Kelly met Jake a year ago, right after he left the mother of his children. Red flag #1. They were on and off, for about 3 months and then he hooked up with his former baby momma and she got pregnant, again. Red flag #2. Fast forward to now, he has been living with the baby momma and two kids, but has reached out to Kelly to rekindle things. Red flag #3. All the while, Kelly is breadcrumbing LaMar who seems like the ideal guy for her. âKelly openly told me she should try to build something with me instead of going with this guy, but for some reason she is still pressed on the guy.â LaMar, 29, American Programmer.
Supposedly LaMar is a âgreat role model, a fantastic supporter, a great friend, a great lover, and a great husbandâ. Yet, she has been balancing both men on and off for about a year now. Red flag #4.
Par for the course in your 20s, it is what social scientists call your âdefining decadeâ. It is the time in life that you establish your career, love life, and your philosophy about the world. In your 40s, youâve modified some of the ways you dealt with those definitions based on lifeâs challenges. You are better at calculating risk and measuring volatility when it comes to your sense of sanity. Long gone are the days of spending years in unfulfilling jobs or relationships. Or is it?
Deb Davis, 48, an American Healthcare Professional, explains âI connected with this man who I had known met for âcoffeeâ and spent 5 1/2 hours in a coffee shop. I had a message everyday first thing in the morning. The chemistry was something I had not experienced since I had fallen in love for the first time with my daughterâs father. And then nothing!â
We are just looking to connect with one person that isnât about games. Does breadcrumbing shaming have any impact on your future dating? Not according to Davis, âHe told me my first breadcrumber did what he did âbecause he didnât careâ! Well, WTF a man who wooed me, showed me love, and said âI love youâ and then never responded to me again! I think itâs safe to say he did that because âhe didnât careâ.â
âFor the last 7 years, these 2 guys that I briefly dated (at separate times) have always stayed in touchâ they will like some posts on FB or send me messages for valentinesâ day, my bday, or xmas. Whatever they say to you, I think they just like to have their ego stroked by having me respond, even if itâs just a polite response. Iââm not mad at either one, so I have not told them to lose my number, but it is very clear to me what they are doing: bread crumbing.â Melissa, 42, American Lawyer.
For many, people hold onto the hope of people not being the assholes they really are. How does breadcrumbing make you feel?
âIâm not so much hurt by it, but 1) Iâm curious and wondering if heâs okay (I always viewed him as a friend) and 2) thereâs a tiny part of me that assumes he found someone just a little skinnier, just a little prettier. That nagging low self-esteem creeps into the back of my subconscious as much as I try to push it away.â explains Hayley Nesbitt, 26, Canadian author of relationship blog 50 Shades of Tinder.
Weâre connecting, not committing. We are only broadcasting the positive aspects of our lives on social media-the highlight reels. If we only broadcast the âlook at meâ, are we able to deal with the side of rejection, detachment, and non-commitment? In life, you donât always only get highlight reels. Who is by your side when the non-highlight reel moments occur in life? The drama queen? Baby daddy? 4th dude on tindr? The truth is that breadcrumbers donât really want to be in a relationship. The idea of one is different than having to really function in one.
In reality, all of these dating trends adds another dimension to an already fractured relationship. âIt was a tumultuous relationship to begin with, I just ignored the red flags. There will always be a shadow.â says Phillip, 32, IT Executive.
What should we do to cope?
âI hold out no hope that anything will ever be re-kindled with either one of these guys. If their messages bothered me, I would honestly just delete them from FB or block their numbers. That is the advice I would give to anyone that is upset by this tactic.â Melissa, 42, American Lawyer.
Approaching dating as though it is testing out what I call, Your Happiness Hypothesis, your personal algorithm that can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation or a list that includes the elements that you absolutely require and the elements that you think you want. Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself and not have to rely on someone elseâs BS.
âNo-one who loves you would do this to you. Therein lies the only solace youâre going to get: Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who knowingly causes you this much pain or disrespect?â says David, 44, Finance Executive.Â
Most of the articles and research on millennials is targeted on marketing to them, how we could sell better to them, how we can better understand their preferences, or we characterize the hookup culture like itâs something new. We try to talk about their sexual patterns, how many, how often, variations of sexual practices, birth rates, and on and on. But, we never talk about what I call, The Millennial Virus (c), what they are at risk of. We never talk to them about the risk of getting an STI/D. Today, NYC announced increases in STDs among millennials. The hookup culture is nothing new-it was AIDS prior to this generation.
So, I conducted polls over quora, google + and reddit and 50% were aware of STI/D risk, but were unaware of the recent CDC report that states âages 15-24 make up just over one quarter of the sexually active population, but account for half of the 20 million new sexually transmitted infections that occur in the United States each year.â
According to a study conducted by Downing-Matibag & Geisinger (2009), ânearly half of participants were unconcerned with contracting a sexually transmitted infection from penetrative intercourse during a hookup, and a majority were unconcerned about diseases in hookups that included fellatio or cunnilingus. Most students reported not considering or realizing their own health risks during hookups, particularly those that occurred within their own community such as with someone else on their own college campusâ. Another study by Paik (2010), reported âindividuals involved in hookups are more likely to have concurrent sexual partnersâ. Which only compounds disease risk by increasing the spread of infection.
We like to blame Tinder, Bumble, and other dating apps for this behavior, but when I asked where people are hooking up; the top places were:
1. Tinder
2. College dorms
3. Instagram
4. Facebook
5. Bars
6. Clubs
7. Cars
8. Frat parties
When you ask why donât people prefer to use a condom? The answer is obvious: âwe donât like the desensitizing feeling condoms have.â You know what is more desensitizing? An STD.
Summer’s here so people try to blame the weather for not wanting to commit (aka the break-up season). The summer isn’t the reason you can’t find the right type. The reason is simple: it’s the irony we create about love and relationships. Here are 5 examples of what holds some people back and how to change it:
Some people allow one past relationship to disallow their future relationships and happiness. Re-read that statement. Does it sound like it makes sense? Doesn’t it sound paradoxical? Aren’t you looking for happiness? Aren’t you seeking out that one right person? By allowing one person to determine your future is delaying your happiness. Isn’t that counter-productive to your goal? The next time you find yourself thinking about the negative aspects of your past relationships, meditate on this mantra:Â Chalk it up to your ex’s inability to handle your greatness đ
Your heart will keep seeking love, but your brain will identify patterns and stop you from seeking love. Harmonize the two by creating a list of the patterns you see. Sometimes you will find that these patterns reveal what you think you need and not what you want. Pay attention only to the aspects that you need. That part is responding to your nature and character. What you think you want is responding to your past experiences.
Credit: Teddy Kelley
You realize you took for granted someone that is gone and that becomes the very thing you want. Here the solution is simple: you’re just a dumbass. Each person we encounter makes us either realize something about ourselves or inspires us to be better people because of the nature of how they make us feel about ourselves. If you encounter someone that makes you a better person and you didn’t recognize that, ummm what’s my blog called? đ Don’t fret. What is designed for you doesn’t disappear. Keep track of what you wish you still had and seek it out in someone else.
You’re seeking happiness, but wind up settling. Deep down inside, when you’re settling, you know it. Sometimes people convince themselves that it is ok; other times they realize that they want more, but don’t think they can get it. In either case, why live only partially happy?
The very type you don’t initially find attractive is the one you wind up with. Several studies show that when you ask successfully married people where physical attraction ranks in the scale of their relationship, initial looks ranks really low. Don’t believe me? Check out eHarmony’s take: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/little-physical-attraction-deal-breaker/#.V2sAaOsrIlg  Moral of the story: Stop treating people like they are your social networking streams. Focusing on the shiniest object. If you are checking them out based on their looks, chances are so are another 100 other people.
“I want tall, dark, and handsome.” So do plenty of other people. “I want barbie who can cook and clean.” Take a #. The problem with approaching online dating this way is that we’re treating profiles like we do our online social networking streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at. We should be efficient and select what we find attractive, but not where it discounts good candidates. Perception is an illusion. You know why? Because #1 person we lie to is ourselves.
We’re living in a self-absorbedie culture. Attraction is the first cut for dating. Are we trying to stand out? Yes. Do we have to go to extremes to stand out?
Let’s find out:
How many selfies do you take? How many final photos are filtered? A study found that women spend 753 hours on taking selfies and that includes filtering photos. Are these the photos that make it to an online dating profile? Yes. What’s the #1 complaint of online dating that I hear? That people don’t look like their pics! For men, posting selfies has been linked to having narcissistic traits. Not rocket science. It was also linked to self-objectification. Should men pose with tigers? WTF? [Not even lying! Check it out: Photo and article courtesy of Diamond Coleman at BuzzFeed] Is that upping sexy? Are men discounting other qualities like their accomplishments, drive, honesty, so that they could beat the guy above or below them?
Here’s what you can do:
Use an accurate photo. Men: No one wants to think they are meeting with a Brad Pitt look-a-like to find Mr Magoo showing up. Women: Most of the time we look better in real life. If the wrinkles bother you that bad, Botox not airbrush.
Online dating shouldn’t be a competition with the person above or below you. You’re looking for a specific set of qualities that compliment you. So is the person above or below you. At the end, you will get what you want and so will they.
Stop being a persona. Be you. Not the guy/girl you think women/men want to respond to. Women get too many messages from âundesirable guysâ while men send hundreds of messages in order to get a response. One of the draws to online dating is efficiency. Filtering through hundreds of profiles from people who don’t fit your search criteria and spamming everyone is not efficient.
1. Don’t force fit someone into your life because you are experiencing online dating fatigue. The process of several serial dates with people that you lack chemistry with or experience rejection from people that you think are potential candidates can be very frustrating and result in online dating fatigue. Where you just want to quit for awhile till you regroup. It’s totally understandable. Take a break, if you feel you need it. But, don’t let the fatigue inform who you choose.
2. Meet in real life. The point of online dating is to date, not to have a epenpal. If you haven’t gone on a date after a lengthy back and forth, cut it off. Two things are happening to you while you epenpal: 1) you are creating a false reality about who is behind the device and 2) you are delaying your own happiness by dealing with someone that isn’t on the same page.
3. Diversify your dating approach. Don’t just rely on online dating as the only method of meeting someone. That will create online dating fatigue quickly. Include in your strategy both online and offline because love is a complicated process and has no formula. We can’t create the when and where. We just have to be there.
4. Approach online dating like it’s a social experiment. It really IS. Treat dating like you are collecting data on what you want and donât want. See what combinations of qualities and characteristics better complement you. Approaching dating as though it is testing out our happiness hypothesis or algorithm can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation (just like the dating sites) that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires.
5. This is the grand daddy of them all! Ready? Men, listen to me: don’t lie about your height. Women hate when you lie about inches đ The reality is that men over 6’0″ in US society is about 15%. Seems like 100% online đ
I recently had the honor of being a panelist with Christian Rudder, OkCupid‘s co-founder, on HuffPost Live about his new book Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking). On http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/christian-rudder-okcupid-cofounder-dataclysm/53da6a2002a760346200058e  , I had a chance to ask Christian the burning question we all want to know: what are some of the reasons that people represent themselves as what they want you to see rather than the real person that will emerge in a relationship?
Christian attributes that to be something that is part of real life and human nature. He also added that the advantages of OKC is that people can meet each other in real life and determine chemistry quickly. I was hoping that he was going to provide stats about the discrepancy and maybe discuss some of the ways their algorithm may refine the process. Darn đÂ
*50 year old men don’t usually contact 20 year old women for the realities of a higher rejection rate.
*The hot or not feature is not designed to have everyone flocking to the most popular person on the site, it’s designed to give everyone a chance to pair off with what they find most attractive.
*OKC does not manipulate factual data such as age, sexual orientation, they alter minor details like size of photo to help users have better compatibility results based on their desired characteristics.
. Diversify your dating approach. Don’t just rely on online dating as the only method of meeting someone. That will create online dating fatigue quickly. Include in your strategy both online and offline because love is a complicated process and has no formula. We can’t create the when and where. We just have to be there.