Is there a science to love?

I recently had the honor of participating on HuffPost Live’s segment “How We Can Understand Love Through Science” with Dr. Sue Johnson. Dr. Johnson’s book, Love Sense, is a result of her groundbreaking research on our emotional bonds and attachment styles. Love Sense “presents new scientific evidence that tells us that humans are meant to mate for life. Dr. Johnson explains that romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child, and shows us how to develop our “love sense”–our ability to develop long-lasting relationships. Love is not the least bit illogical or random, but actually an ordered and wise recipe for survival.” -Little, Brown and Company

Dr. Johnson says that she wrote this book as both a guide and a warning. Tune in to hear about her views on sex, dating, love, and the impact social media plays on our relationships. http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/third-metric-thrive-on-live-love-sense-dr-sue-johnson/5363f31f02a7604eae00045c She’s concerned about our relationships in the age of technology because “it is making people lonelier and more isolated”. I asked her what her thoughts were on online dating and why single women are having difficulty finding sincere men. I see it as a function of online dating. We treat online dating like we do our social media streams and select only the images that stand out to us. Is it related to a faulty attachment style? Tune in to hear Dr. Johnson’s take.

What do you think? Are we selecting people based on superficial qualities and discounting other factors? Do you think online dating makes it easier to run game? What frustrates you the most about online dating?

Top 3 things to help get over an ex.

Dealing with a break-up, separation or divorce is often difficult. Here are a few things that can help you cope with the break-up, separation or divorce.

1. Try to refrain from highlighting negative things about your ex. Simply because it disrespects you. Afterall, you were in the relationship with the person. When you re-tell events or character flaws, the person listening will wonder why you were in the relationship to begin with. Utilize your discussions to be about rebuilding yourself and not diminishing the other person because that doesn’t improve your sense of self. It may feel good in the short-term, but not long-term.

2. Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives. That way you will have different outlets to express the range of your emotions. Especially when dealing with divorce where you can experience anger, resentment, and loss all in the same breath.

3. Forgive yourself. The only thing you did was try to show someone love and cultivate a life for you both. Allow yourself to feel the pain and unburden yourself of what was your former life. All you did was demonstrate that you have the capacity to love and build a life for yourself. You can do it again.

Thanks to a great relationship wellness panel discussion by The Law Firm of Wisselman, Harounian & Associates, P.C.

What they don’t tell you about online dating: the mathematics of love.

It is estimated that 1 in 4 relationships start online and predicted that 70% will use online dating services in the future. The current reality of online dating:

Approaching dating as though it is testing out what I call, your happiness hypothesis, your own personalized algorithm that can help minimize some of your own expectations. Create an equation (just like the dating sites) that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that you’d like to have. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself.

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male

Bravo’s latest dating installment “Online Dating Rituals of the American Male” is a hilarious show. Ever wonder why so many of the “Online Dating Rituals of the American Male” guys are being dumbasses? Ever wonder why the girls seem desperate? Want to increase your craydar while online dating?

Just check out my twitter feed https://twitter.com/urjustadumbass from the first episode for some of the comedy: Screenshot 2014-04-04 at 3.24.47 PM - Edited.png

Despite these characters, the show has a nice mix of professionals, entrepreneurs, and aspiring singles. It has featured these types with a bird’s eye view into what men are thinking as they go on dates and while they are on dates. Some of it is designed to shock you, most of it is built on some stereotype of what men are doing in the new online dating scene. According to a recent article by Paul Hudson, http://elitedaily.com/life/9-ways-the-hook-up-culture-is-ruining-love-as-we-know-it/, the show really highlights how the hook-up culture is impacting the dating scene.

The show will have you wondering why guys like Alex, Grant or Brian get away with being dumbasses? Then you’ll have women like Alix, Mindy, or Candis that you really want to cheer on, but watch them fail miserably. If anything it will increase your craydar while online dating 🙂

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male airs Tuesday nights at 10pm EST on Bravo. Watch the show it is entertaining!

What people don’t tell you about dating the wrong types.

When you’re dating down, you aren’t always aware that you are doing it. I came up with an inventory to help you identify some of the red flags on Stop dating down! If you are doing 4 or more of these things, chances are you are settling in your relationship. Once you realize this is a feature of your relationships, then you can see if this yields a pattern in your life.

So, let’s begin by talking about the types of thinking that occurs, then we’ll talk about what occurs as a result.

Type 1: I know that s/he isn’t xyz, but they possess abc.

Type 2: I know that s/he isn’t what I normally date, but I was unsuccessful with my past types.

Both types create a false sense of intimacy, hope, trust, and disillusionment in the relationship. If you are lying to yourself in the relationship, it’s easy to disillusion yourself about the realities of the relationship. In addition to decreasing your standards, you are changing your tolerance level of other people’s lies they tell themselves and you accepting it as your reality (their bullshit).

Which invariably creates Type 3: I’m getting a shot at someone I normally wouldn’t have a shot with and this is great!

This is creating a false sense of hope in someone else and they will apply that to their next relationship. Type 3 will pursue people that they probably wouldn’t ever approach because they have this new inflated self-esteem. While the person who has admitted to dating down, has a diminished self-esteem.

Wow!!! I was awarded Top 100 Sex, Love, Lust, and Love Blogs

My blog, YOU’RE JUST A DUMBASS, was awarded Top 100 Sex, Love, Lust, and Love Blogs by stdcheck.com!!! http://www.cnbc.com/id/101415509

STDcheck.com, the leader in online STD testing, searched over 1200 sites for the best blogs and websites in the sex, dating, love, and relationship categories.

81. Clarissa Silva is not your average single chick with a blog. While she does write about her experiences (which she often describes as “suboptimal,” betraying her background as a scientist and researcher), she does so for the benefit of the reader. After spending time developing techniques for her clients to use to “create relationship wellness,” she decided to share her perspective and wisdom. Her blog is a unique blend of stories about douchebags she met through online dating sites and suggestions for how to date by creating a “happiness hypothesis” and testing it out. Silva’s blend of logic, science, and humor make You’re Just A Dumbass a humorous and educational read.

Thanks for the award stdcheck.com and all the work that you do in helping people maintain healthy sexual relationships! It is a true honor to be among these amazing bloggers! In addition to the tremendous honor of the ranking, we also get $500 in gift cards that I’ll be donating to a nonprofit or giving away at a future event I hold.

Ah! Love is in the air!

Valentine’s Day is approaching, aka, Singles Awareness Day 🙂

Ladies, want to find a date?

1. Find yourself a steakhouse and sit at the bar. This is where the Lonely Hearts Club have their secret meetings. 🙂 Seriously, the number of singles at steakhouses outweighs any other restaurant. Peak hours are right after work when most people are looking to unwind and if their single with no time to cook, eat.

2. A coffee house midday. Peak volume is in the am, but everyone is in a rush to head onto their offices. Afternoon coffee is less rushed and frenzied providing the opportunity to chat while you wait for your coffee.

Men, want to find a date?

1. Head to a lounge or wine bar after work. Women like to vent about their stressful day with their girlfriends. They usually don’t want to go to the typical bar, so they’ll opt for a place with the ability to have more conversation and intimacy.

2. Head to a dining cafe of a department store. Women usually like to shop with a girlfriend.

Top 10 things to bring in the New Year & new you!

Happy New Year! Hope your New Year is off to a great start! To help bring in the new you, here are top 10 things you can do:

1. Learn from the past, but don’t relive it in the future.

2. People are what they are not what you want them to be.

3. Once you accept someone for what they really are, they will surprise you by being better than what you expected.

4. Forgive yourself for your past sub-optimal decisions.

5. Seek out people that make you a better version of yourself.

6. Follow your gut. Period.

7. Be the type of person you would like to be in a relationship with.

8. Don’t lose yourself while trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

9. Desperate is not sexy, confidence is.

10. Who you date is a function of your self-esteem.

Wow! Christmas came early this year: Blog of the Year 2013!

What a true honor of being nominated for the Blog of the Year 2013 Award from one of my favorite bloggers, http://ljoysharkey.wordpress.com! Who is an amazingly gifted writer. When you can check out her Dear Diary and her Rants & Raves section, both will have you entertained and in awe of her writing styles. Thank you for sharing your life and talent with us!

The ‘rules’ for this award are simple:

Select another blog(s) who deserve the award;
Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen – there’s no minimum or maximum number of blogs required – and ‘present’ them with their award;
Include a link back to this page ‘Blog of the Year 2013’ Award and provide these ‘rules’ in your post (please don’t alter the rules or the badges!)
Let the blog(s) you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the ‘rules’ with them
You can now also join our Facebook group – click ‘like’ on this page ‘Blog of the Year 2013’ Award Facebook group and then you can share your blog with an even wider audience.
As a winner of the award – please add a link back to the blog that presented you with the award – and then proudly display the award on your blog and sidebar … and start collecting stars…

This is in no ranked order. I admire and am inspired by them all equally. The list of my nominees are:

http://ljoysharkey.wordpress.com/

http://contactrida.wordpress.com/

relationshipreinvented.com

http://dontspeaksing.wordpress.com

http://chinupchesthigh.wordpress.com/

http://rainbowsprout.wordpress.com/

http://kristinarenae.wordpress.com/

http://mywonderyear.com/

http://davidtalks13.wordpress.com/

http://zaphanathpaneah17.wordpress.com/

http://huedunorthodoxy.wordpress.com/

http://theothersideofugly.com/

http://robertmudge.net/

http://bonnevivantelife.wordpress.com/

Why women should be more like men

Ladies, we have to be more like men. Let me tell you why. I’m commuting to work, minding my own business and trying to get some work done. When all of a sudden a random guy sits next to me & starts chatting me up. I tried to be as polite as I could be as he started telling me his whole career life story, so I buried my head in my work. I didn’t really want to get caught up in someone’s issues of self-importance.

He didn’t pick up on any of my social cues or didn’t care, so I continued to not give him any eye contact while he kept talking 🙂 Occasionally, he would stop talking and I thought he would stop. No, meant nothing to him. He kept on new topics 🙂 Finally, his stop comes up and he’s getting off the train. And that’s where the real comedy starts! He extends out a piece of paper and says to me “I’d like to give you my number because you are the type of person that I’d like to take on a date.” WTF?!?! How the fuck did you ascertain that? Wow! Unbelievable!

“No, thanks I’m seeing somebody.”

“Oh that doesn’t matter to me!” Now, that answer made sense because he didn’t care that he was talking to himself for the entire ride!

“Yet, it matters to me!”

Let me give you an even more ridiculous story. I’m at the supermarket checkout counter when a random guy all disheveled with a smell on him that I couldn’t even determine and is adjusting the front of his pants at his belt buckle.

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Right-the kind of guy your mom tells you to marry 🙂 He turns to me and says “Hi! How are you?” with his shirt tail tucked out and this weird smell! I say the obligatory don’t-want-you-to-become-mental-on-me-if-I-don’t-acknowledge-you “Good, you?” He turns to me throws his suit jacket over his shoulder and says “Better for seeing you!!!! Again, wtf?!?!

So, I told you these stories to tell you this: what would happen if women acted more like men. Of course I gave you the most extreme cases (I just wanted to share the comedy), but at the end of the day men pursue what they want. They don’t say to themselves: I’m not pretty enough, I’m not at the sexiest at the moment, I put on some weight, or whatever else that would stop them from trying to get what they want.

Flirt, start up chit chat, give someone eye signals across the room or have a wing person that will engage the person for you. Chatty Kathy and Stinky try this same method till someone takes the bait. Don’t let Chatty Kathy and Stinky think that it works 🙂

YOU'RE JUST A DUMBASS

Date smarter.