You couldn’t even turn off the porn?
The stats on this guy:
Age: 40
Occupation: MD
Seeking: Long Term Relationship

Lavalife, like most online dating sites, has several search options. I met him in the LTR chat section. We had a lot in common, we were getting along, he seemed really interesting and it was mutual. So, we decide to have a phone conversation, where we talked for an hour! We were intrigued and excited to see each other based on a really interesting conversation.

We decide to meet up a week later. Chemistry was great, we were both very attracted to each other, very free-flowing conversation, overall had a great date. He called me that same night reiterated his interest and wanted to go on a second date. Cool. The whole week we we’re texting each other every day. Second date was better than the first. I mean he not only practices medicine, he also wants to perfect a technique to improve recovery time on patients. [You can just picture small kittens at this point]. Really nice guy, sweet, compassionate, a little bit of a homebody for me, but all around good guy. Definitely looking forward to our next date. Finally I break my serial one date online dating pattern with someone who I was very intrigued by.

Same thing: he calls me when the date is over. This time he has noise on in the background so loud that I had to comment. It sounded like stethoscopeporn. “Is that porn?” “Yes. I can’t turn the volume down.” And continued his conversation. I tried to go with the flow. Shush don’t judge. But the screaming kept me very unfocused. Doesn’t bother to pause it or anything that might make sense. So, I simply say “Is she screaming?” Quiet, then in a very breathy voice says yes. Nice! “Are you jerking off?” In shorter breaths says “I’m thinking about your ass!” Then cums. I naturally hang up, not because I don’t like a little phone sex. I just like to know that I’m gonna be participating. He continued to call me all night long.

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I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships!

An Open Letter to Exes Worldwide

Dear Ex,

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships.

It’s not my fault that you failed at the relationship. Why persecute me for your inability to see when you f*d up. Someone cheated on you because you failed as a partner. Face it. You were absent in the relationship and expecting that someone who was present was going to accept your absence. Maybe I was the dumbass for dating you, but I didn’t do it to you. It’s not my fault you couldn’t recognize kindness, love, genuine emotion, honesty, and concern.

F you for not being able to recognize strength and confused it for weakness; for confusing honesty with dishonesty; for distorting trustworthiness with manipulation. All of what you told me where lies because you were still evaluating me based on someone else’s actions. I can admit that now, it’s your turn.

Whatever happened to you, I didn’t do it to you. You can’t go through people to make you better. You have to deal with it before you get into another relationship.

You’re just a dumbass!

Stop dating down!

Ok, so, I told you the WTF? story to tell you this: dating down is a terrible thing.

Most of the time when I have dated down, I was hoping that I really wasn’t or I was lying to myself about who the person really was. I was highlighting the aspects of the person that I wanted and ignoring ALL of the things that I didn’t want. I realized that people are what they are, not what you want them to be.

How do you know you’re dating down? Here’s a list of some things that will help you answer that question:

1. Do your family/friends tell you that the person isn’t a good fit for you?

Let’s face it, sometimes family/friends are on target because they are experiencing the relationship through your experience. What you tell them is what they base their opinion on. They are the first desertpeople to notice change in your mood, attitude, or personality. They are mentioning things based on seeing this change. If before the relationship your lifelong interest was vacationing through the desert with your partner and now you are ok with a boardwalk stroll on the Jersey shore, your family/friends will be the first to remind you that somewhere along the line you are going to be very unhappy.

2. Are you telling them and yourself you’re not dating down/settling?

Most of us don’t like to admit that we are dating down. But, when we really look at what we wanted and what we’re getting, it might be that we are settling.

3. Are you settling because it’s: a) comfortable, b) companionship, or c) the dating scene in your city sucks?

Relationships are supposed to be challenging at times because it is a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes it’s the aspects of ourselves we don’t want to deal with, other times it’s the aspects that we admire about ourselves. We have to realize what we project into the relationship. We are supposed to be a better version of ourselves in our relationships and compliment each other’s goals. If that’s not happening, it might be settling for one or all of the reasons above.

4. Are you justifying the relationship to yourself by requiring just the basics (i.e., they won’t cheat, they don’t like to go out much, they need you to help them, etc)?

It’s amazing how many times I have heard s/he won’t cheat as the primary reason why they stay together. The reality about that is: it has to do with you. It’s either about your insecurity, past relationships, or trust. If cheating is at the top of your priority list, you will most likely will accept different things that are equally unsatisfactory.

5. Are you drinking/eating/recreational drugging more than usual?

This sounds like a no brainer. But, when you are coping with things you don’t want to deal with, you can turn to something to help you cope. You might not be aware that you are bingeing. If it’s excessive or other people are telling you you’re being excessive, it might be more than usual. 😉

6. Are you upset more than usual?

This sounds like a no brainer, too. But, sometimes frequent fighting about things that can not change is you fighting with yourself. Circumstances around the person can change, people take a longer time to change. People don’t change because you want them to; they change because they want to. Circumstances that you were aware of before getting into the relationship don’t change. If they were emotionally unavailable, they have to work through that before they become emotionally available. If they weren’t sure they could commit, you might not be the one to make them commit. Both situations require that the person be in a relationship to change that. You have to be comfortable with the idea that you are just the catalyst. Till you realize that, you are fighting with yourself because you are at a different place in your life than the other person. In essence, you are upset with yourself.

7. Are you replacing things on your list with the things the other person wants?

I’m not talking about compromising. I’m talking about defining what you want based on someone else to please them. Men usually commit when their career is in a comfortable and stable pattern. Women usually look for stability to begin thinking about marriage and having children.  That’s two distinct features. Men’s concerns are their income ability, while women are concerned with children, income, and creating a home. Your desires, lifestyle requirements, and dreams are the things that you thought of as the right things to create the lifestyle you wanted as a result of 2 people.

 

WTF?

This date is courtesy of our beloved match.com. I am walking up to the door and am greeted by a random guy who knows my name. It’s the guy I am supposed to meet. He is waiting for me outside because he grossly misrepresented himself.  He used a picture of his cousin because he is insecure about his looks, apologizes, and would completely understand if I didn’t want to go through with the date. Ok, I would’ve been an asshole if I said “you look like a pug dog. I gotta get the fuck outta here.” [Which is what I thought in my head.] So, I decided to go through with the date. I drank one drink while he had 3!

We are wrapping it up. I tell him that I have to meet up with a friend in a bit. [When I was in the bathroom I texted a friend to find out where she was going to be]. Fine. He gets me in a cab tells the cabbie where to go; he goes on about his day. While in the cab, I get a text from my friend saying she is running an hour late. No worries, right? I get to my destination and he calls out my name and is stepping out of a cab!!! WTF?

I had to go up to random f’g strangers quickly tell them that I was on a horrible date and pretend like I know them. Of course these people are visiting from London! Why would they not be? He walks up to us and, naturally, I ask if I left anything. Trying to be as graceful as I can, but I’m pissed.  He was just hoping to see if I was interested in having another drink. Again, wtf? So, I said in the nicest way possible that our date ended 20 blocks ago.

So, what does he do? Sits right at the bar and orders himself a drink. I continue to talk to these random strangers who are having a field day with this ridiculous story. What does he do?  He comes over to me and taps me on the shoulder and says “can I talk to you for a moment?” Sure and roll my eyes. He apologizes again and asks if I would join him for 1 drink. Uhhhh, let me think, no! I really appreciate that you a) lured me with your cousin’s picture who doesn’t look remotely like you and b) followed me to another location without an invitation.

It wasn’t so much that he looked like a pug dog, but that he thought all of the steps he did were absolutely ok. I would LOVE to know what he was thinking at every step. Should I have told him at the very beginning what I said at the end? Maybe, but I wasn’t expecting to be greeted by him again at the next place! Next time I am going to be an asshole. Being nice doesn’t play out the same way as it does in my mind.

Stop dating assholes!

Let me give you the timeframe: coke & porn and bucket list boy were all within 1 week. I am a firm believer in giving people opportunities.

A friend of mine said “Listen, we all date assholes till we meet the right one.” At the time I thought it was a harsh statement, but he’s right. Not that the people I date are assholes; because who we choose to date is a reflection of who we are and what we think we want. While dating, we are really testing out the combination of qualities, characteristics, and life desires we are looking for. We discover the things that we thought we wanted might not be what we need.

Approaching dating as though it is testing out our happiness hypothesis or algorithm can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that you’d like to have.  You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself.

The other elements about finding the right person are far more complex. Being in the right frame of mind + the right place + the right time + right chemistry + the person also possessing the right set of characteristics.

You might also find that you will feel less pressure on making the wrong person fit the model and essentially you’ll stop dating assholes.

Coke & Porn

Went out on a date with this guy who has had interest in me for a while. During the course of the date, he informs me that his coke habit is now reduced and that he is improving his lifestyle all together. Great! Then he delves into his requirements while he is on coke. First, he needs to be alone and realized that he was isolating himself from many of his friends. Makes sense.

coke

The second reason he has to be alone is because he needs to watch porn to relax while on cocaine! “Really? But aren’t they both stimulants?” “Yes, but you can’t get hard while on coke.”  “Right.”

After the date is over, he informs that he is not interested in anything exclusive or a committed thing. Really?  Wait! I thought it was perfectly acceptable to be in an exclusive isolated relationship with your coke habit and porn collection!

The #1 person we lie to is ourselves.

200449277-001Dating tips

Sometimes the idea of being in a relationship has more value to us than compatibility in the relationship, equity in the relationship, or just plain happiness. The idea can create illusions that you’re in a healthy relationship because it is what we choose not to see.  Even though we might not be aware of it consciously, subconsciously we are compensating for the elements that are missing. So, it becomes a perfectly fine relationship.

Some people compensate with a dog, others with their computer, ice cream, etc. 🙂 Most of us are trying to create balance and seeking happiness. Do we recognize how we are compensating? Not all of the time. We have to be made aware of it. The #1 person we lie to is ourselves.

If you think this:

“S/He may not have X things that I would like, but it works for now.”

“It’s okay that we don’t do X (the things that I enjoy), I’m happy to have companionship.”

“It’s ok that he doesn’t want children, I wasn’t that sure about having them anyway.”

Then maybe you need to be reminded of:

Anything that you have desired for your lifestyle is what shouldn’t be deleted off your list.

Your ideal partner will compliment your goals, desires and assist in fulfilling your dreams.

Ideas about people and relationships create illusions that distort our perception of reality.

Naked with the dog

This date was courtesy of pof. After several attempts at scheduling a date because of dog sitting issues, we finally meet for dinner. He had just returned from a vacation with his dog. Just the 2 of them. Very cute, right? Or creepy, whatever. He seemed to be nice enough. While at dinner he explained how they had a lovely relaxing time (yes, him & the dog), he’s had to hire 3 dog sitters because the dog was bored of the first 2, satisfied with his job, and now looking to form the next phase of his life. I’m listening, answering his questions, engaging in conversation.

He says to me “you know I feel so comfortable with you. Like I can share anything with you.”

“Aww that’s very sweet thank you!” Right?

He leans in and says “I want to share something personal with you”.

“I am flattered. Please feel free. “

“You know I really love my dog.” Yes, I do. “I love playing with him. We love playing with each other. He really gets me through some of the loneliness I feel, sometimes.”

“Of course. That’s awesome that you have the dog in your life to help you through those times. People underestimate how much companionship, caring, love, and responsibility a dog provides. Some people treat their dogs as they would a child.”

“I’m so glad to hear you say that. So many people don’t understand that kind of feeling you get from a pet. In fact, I’d like to tell you something else.” [Leans in closer]. “I play with my dog naked.”

“WHAT?”

“Yes, I mean, the dog is naked; why shouldn’t I be? I really like the feeling of his fur on my naked body.”

I get up from the table. He says” where are you going? Are you offended by this?”

Oh, absolutely not. I just forgot that I had to play with my cat.