Wow!!! I was awarded Top 100 Sex, Love, Lust, and Love Blogs

My blog, YOU’RE JUST A DUMBASS, was awarded Top 100 Sex, Love, Lust, and Love Blogs by stdcheck.com!!! http://www.cnbc.com/id/101415509

STDcheck.com, the leader in online STD testing, searched over 1200 sites for the best blogs and websites in the sex, dating, love, and relationship categories.

81. Clarissa Silva is not your average single chick with a blog. While she does write about her experiences (which she often describes as “suboptimal,” betraying her background as a scientist and researcher), she does so for the benefit of the reader. After spending time developing techniques for her clients to use to “create relationship wellness,” she decided to share her perspective and wisdom. Her blog is a unique blend of stories about douchebags she met through online dating sites and suggestions for how to date by creating a “happiness hypothesis” and testing it out. Silva’s blend of logic, science, and humor make You’re Just A Dumbass a humorous and educational read.

Thanks for the award stdcheck.com and all the work that you do in helping people maintain healthy sexual relationships! It is a true honor to be among these amazing bloggers! In addition to the tremendous honor of the ranking, we also get $500 in gift cards that I’ll be donating to a nonprofit or giving away at a future event I hold.

Want to spice up Valentine’s Day?

It’s Valentine’s Day and whether we are in a relationship or not, this holiday is designed to remind us about love. Love is not just an emotion, it’s an ability. So, let’s rightsize this holiday for everyone, shall we.

Single’s Awareness Day

I think that a mixed dating method is a better approach to dating. For the simple reason that once you are offline and in a relationship it is the interaction that will sustain the relationship. Although rejection might be a driving deterring factor in public dating, it amazes me that it is not a deterrent in any other area of life you desire. Do we think about it during a job interview, a graduate school application, or salary negotiations?

The restaurants are all packed and serving pre-fixe dinners. What to do? Hmm. Nothing like starting an online dating profile on a day when you know other singles have no dinner plans. These are the two sites that I recommend:

IvyDate is a simple, easy-to-use, matching based online dating website that features Ivy League graduates. All members are reviewed and approved by IvyDate. You are matched up with exceptional singles who value intellectual curiosity, love of learning, creativity, drive and determination.
Matchmaker Café is a Facebook application that allows you to connect with people without being Facebook friends first. MMC sets up members on real dates at a real cafe through the network of a real matchmaker. For many, the advantages are that the app and services are very schedule and time conscious. They make the dates happen and introduce you when you get there. Sign-up is through Facebook, where you can set your own privacy settings.

Amateur/Rookie Night

I recently had the honor of being a guest on Maria Quiban’s MommyLovesTech Sex, Marriage & Romance: Valentines Special on Keeping the Flame Lit! google+ Hangout on Air. The show featured the founders of One Extraordinary Marriage, Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo, who shared some of their tips on how to keep up the levels of intimacy in your relationship while maintaining a balance in all areas of your life. One of the key points that the couple highlighted was to schedule intimacy with your partner that involves no electronic device interruption. Rather than going out on this night, make this your scheduled intimacy night. Another idea Tony & Alissa recommend is to take it back to a point where you didn’t really on your computer or cell for entertainment, play naked twister with one another!

Tis the season

It’s the time of year where everyone and their momma is having holiday parties. There are some parties that you feel you should go to, that you have to go to, and that you need to pre-party before you go to. In the spirit of festivities my friend and I had to go to all three in one night. Of course adventures are synonymous with holiday parties!

So, we started off at a bar before we went to the obligatory party for alittle pre-party action. As we try to maneuver through the crowd, two gentleman walk up to us and offer to buy us drinks. This random act of kindness is because one of the gentlemen are celebrating their birthday. Huh of all things. As we listen to them talk about themselves and how great they are, one turns to me and says “so how about my birthday present?”. Of course! The angle was set up from the very beginning. “So, you go up to random girls and ask them to hang with you on your “birthday”? Do you both get beyond a drink with girls?”. “Well, he’s married and this place’s nickname is whore house.” What? Really? “Is that right? I’m kind of perplexed because a) your wing man is a married guy and b) you’re using the birthday pickup line at a place that is nicknamed whore house.” “You don’t know how hard It is to get women these days.It used to be so much easier it took a drink.” “I get that, but don’t you think it looks kind of bad that you don’t have friends to hang with on your birthday and your trolling around with a married guy? Isn’t that just gonna be pity sex?” “Hey you think I care what it looks like, I just want to get off. Men want to get off. If he’s not getting any at home, he’ll find some girl with daddy issues that will get with him.” Merry Christmas to me! Finally got to understand what men really want! Thank you birthday boy!

So, we head over to the first party: the you should go one. We are there for 15 minutes and some guy comes up to me and starts talking about what he does. I tell him about my blog. Flood gates. He decides to tell me all about his sexual experiences and casually reveals that he’s a sex addict. “Not the I’ve had sex with almost everyone in this room; the Tiger Woods type.” I would imagine he is making a minor distinction about selectivity. I didn’t want to be nosey. 🙂 This is a high brow party afterall. He divulged his escapades and I just nodded. He turns to me and says “hey, do you want to have sex on the balcony?”. I laugh it off and politely tell him no. He tried this all night long with several of my friends. We compared notes.

We go to the next party. As we are ready to leave, a random women approaches us and starts chatting me up. It felt like I was on an interview. She kept peering into my eyes like she was trying to penetrate into my soul. Felt uncomfortable, but thought nothing of it. Then walks in her husband and complains about being sick and not himself. Because if he was himself he would invite us back to his place for a nightcap. Sweet! My evening would have not been complete till I got propositioned by swingers! And the gifts just keep on coming!

All of these adventures in one night! I have 4 more days till Christmas! Can’t wait to see what else Santa has in store for me! Have a great holiday everyone!

Self-deception at its best

Best WTH lines I have heard so far:

1. “Dating while you’re married isn’t cheating”. Explaining some of the difficulties of a marriage after years of divorce. Grounds for divorce: not performing marital duties! WHAT? “Oh really? No sex for you? Uh, perhaps the key reason for that is that they were dating while you both were married”.

weddgring

2. “Found out he is married, living with her and is expecting a kid with her, but we are going to go ahead with planning our wedding”. After hiring a private investigator, crashing his car & wrecking his apartment (after breaking & entering).

3. “I know that we are different religions and that everyone has turned their backs on us, but it’ll work out”. One year and several re-locations later, “We got divorced”. What? “Yeah, turns out her family had a hit out on me!”.

4. “She’s a little too much to handle sometimes, but I’m getting used to it”. After throwing F bombs & Christmas gifts across the room at her in-laws. The trigger phrase: “You didn’t have to get us anything, your presence is gift enough!”.

5. “I don’t bring my partner to any of my social engagements because I don’t want anyone knowing my business”. As they tweet, instagram and fb throughout the entire night enough information that if the cops needed information about their whereabouts, it would suffice.

Why men are not idiots and women are not crazy

We often talk about the differences between men and women’s communication style. I really think the key to this difference are due to our biology. Men behave the way they do because they can’t give birth, so they try to provide material things. Their orientation to the world is far less emotional and more about material acquisition. Women deliver life which is a spiritual experience that makes us more aware of our mortality and our life choices. Women tend to think and act beyond themselves. Both genders seek permanence, stability and security; but our definitions of these things are sometimes different. Men don’t require the same level of permanence, stability and security as women do. The male ego is far more driven to preserve itself, while the female ego seeks to create stability around her.

Women feel they need to maximize their situations and want to project that moment into the future. Men take their situations and project it just to that space and time. They evaluate personality and character flaws; women evaluate the emotional content that was created in that moment. Women can take that situation and begin to think about what the future will be based on that situation. i.e., if you didn’t wash the dishes after dinner was prepared, we think that you either: a) devalue us on some level; b) don’t want to create an equitable partnership; and/or c) are acting selfishly. All of these choices lead us to believe that our lives will include elements of being devalued, treated inconsiderately, and acting against our self-interest.

Men can examine the situation, deal with the moment, adapt accordingly, and move on. They don’t project that situation onto a lifetime of misery. Most times they have already balanced out what they need before they met you. They don’t dwell on minor details like we do. Men fantasize about the physical; women fantasize about their lifestyle. This is why we are obsessed with shoes 😉

How to get what you want.

Honesty, communication, and respect are what I believe are the foundation for any good relationship, romantic or not. If you want to improve your relationships, you can begin with working on your communication and listening skills. Miscommunication and not being heard quickly becomes anger, resentment, regret or disillusionment.

Tips on communicating and listening:

Don’t assume you know what the point is. Let the person convey what is on their mind before you interject. When you interject too quickly you are focusing on the previous discussion that was a recycled version of the one you are currently listening to and already expect the outcome to be the same. A fight, resentment, introversion, or accumulated anger is what you are trying to avoid.
Summarize, anticipate, and formulate questions based on what you’re hearing. Strategize by moderating your reaction as the person is talking to you, then respond. The speed in which your thoughts and speech work are two different frequencies. That allots you time to avoid the pitfall of another fight, being misunderstood, or expressing the wrong emotions.
Be flexible in your thinking about the outcome of the discussion. If ultimately you want x, you may have to be able to hear an alternative method.

2 rude bitches:1 is a hooker, the other a whore!

Act I of the evening

Characters: Unsuspecting Idiot #1-my friend

Unsuspecting Idiot #2-me

Random party “guest”-party crasher

Place: Luxury hotel in a metropolitan city

So I get invited to an event at an upscale luxury hotel. Picture ornate, opulence, marble entry & staircases, $800.00 a night type of place. As the night progresses and the party begins winding down, new guests arrive to the hotel. And when I say “guests” I mean the type that likes to “entertain” in exchange for getting their cell phone bill getting paid. One of the “guests” approaches one of my friends and engages in a conversation with him. He motions over to me and I walk up to them and he tries to introduce me. She turns her back on me and resumes her conversation. He pulls me into the conversation and she regretfully moves to the side, but manages to throw me shade! I’m laughing at her. I understand when people feel threatened when you’re in the same demographic because of perceived competition. But, in this case the only thing we had in common was hair color. Oh, the key here is I’M NOT A HOOKER! How do I know she’s a hooker you ask? Her hook is she was showing my friend her photography skills. What was the subject of her photography? Her sexual acts. Yes, we got to see her in random photos at some point of the sexual encounter. She turns her back to me again and asks my friend if he’s staying in the hotel and if he liked what he saw!

Wait did she just confuse me for a hooker and I’m cutting into her trick? Wait this is unacceptable behavior by any female. Did I crack her skull on the marble floor you ask? No I didn’t want to replicate her pimp’s behavior. I let her try to continue to make money on her back.

Act II of the evening

Characters: Douchebag #1-pathetic guy trying to date multiple people

Unsuspecting girl-douchebag’s + 1

Random guy-a genuinely interested in finding decent people to date

Annoyed girl-me

Place: A bar restaurant in a metropolitan city

Props: A drink

A cell phone

One month ago, I attend an event with a good friend of mine. As we exit the venue, I get accosted by this guy who wants to give me his card and get my phone number. I politely take his card and inform him that I don’t give out my number. To which he barks “Oh fine! Yeah sure you call me! Whatever! YOU be different!” Needless to say, I wasn’t going to be calling this guy.

So, I am at a friend’s party chatting away with this seemingly nice guy who genuinely is looking to date decent people. He offers to buy me a drink and is walking up to me with the drink and resumes the conversation. When all of a sudden guess who comes right in the middle of me and this random nice guy and gets in my face? It’s the rude guy from a month ago! Unbelievable that he could be this obnoxious! I remind him that the last time I saw him he was exceptionally rude similar to now. What does he do? Doesn’t apologize says he really wants to get to know me. “So does this guy right here. Take care.”

I resume my conversation with random nice guy while he just stands there. I move away and he comes in between us again. Before I can even say anything, a girl walks up to him and says “I’ve been texting you! How come you haven’t answered?” My eyes widen in anticipation of what this shit show is gonna reveal. The random nice guy makes me step away and we resume our conversation. The girl comes over to us and vents to us about how she’s dating him and he wasn’t answering his phone. We empathized and the random nice guy says “we don’t know him, but he was harassing her.” Ding, ding, ding! Round 2. She furiously begins calling him again and walks off somewhere. Maybe 10 minutes later he comes back up to us and apologies for being disrespectful. He continues by explaining that they were just friends, that she didn’t want to be left alone at the party and he really doesn’t understand why she acted that way. “I really didn’t want you to have the wrong impression of me. I’m a really honest guy. I’m heading out of here to meet with another friend of mine. Nice seeing you again.” I’m relieved. “Have a good night.” He stands there and starts texting. We begin to walk away when I see the girl coming towards the douchebag. Naturally, I had to stay. She goes right up to him and snatches his phone right out of his hand and she starts to scan his phone. While he tries to retrieve his phone, she throws her drink on him! He exits stage left and she tells us that she was hooking up with him for awhile and it wasn’t working out. She threw a drink at him for making plans with another girl while they are on a date! I had front row seats to the shit show!

Stop dating assholes!

Let me give you the timeframe: coke & porn and bucket list boy were all within 1 week. I am a firm believer in giving people opportunities.

A friend of mine said “Listen, we all date assholes till we meet the right one.” At the time I thought it was a harsh statement, but he’s right. Not that the people I date are assholes; because who we choose to date is a reflection of who we are and what we think we want. While dating, we are really testing out the combination of qualities, characteristics, and life desires we are looking for. We discover the things that we thought we wanted might not be what we need.

Approaching dating as though it is testing out our happiness hypothesis or algorithm can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that you’d like to have. You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself.

The other elements about finding the right person are far more complex. Being in the right frame of mind + the right place + the right time + right chemistry + the person also possessing the right set of characteristics.

You might also find that you will feel less pressure on making the wrong person fit the model and essentially you’ll stop dating assholes.

Sex with a Brazilian woman

Random guy at a bar starts chatting me up. Tells me all about his living arrangements, relocation drama, & work. Tells me how German laws are very lenient around manslaughter. How did we get to this topic, you ask? “Well, in Germany you can rape children and only be put on probation.” Really? “I’ll give you an example. A friend of mine who is involved with the Russian mob, was chasing a guy down to beat him with a bat. The victim is naturally running away, but gets hit by a car and becomes paralyzed for life. My friend served no sentence in prison. He was just put on probation.”

“Wow. Any other secrets you want to tell me about?”

“Yes. I have a bucket list.”

“Oh yeah? It doesn’t involve maiming anyone does it?”

“No. I’d like to have sex with a Brazilian women [meaning me].” So, if you can let me know within the next half hour if that can happen. I’m staying in this hotel.”

“Looks like you’ll be masturbating to the idea, then.”

“You mean you would turn down good sex?”

“Good bye!”

I told you this ridiculous story to tell you this. After telling me about his own shady run ins with the law, that he has taken every drug known to man, and that he had a recipe for crystal meth on him; he thought it was gonna get him laid? Oh and that he is good sex, according to him. People: Am I crazy?

Coke & Porn

Went out on a date with this guy who has had interest in me for a while. During the course of the date, he informs me that his coke habit is now reduced and that he is improving his lifestyle all together. Great! Then he delves into his requirements while he is on coke. First, he needs to be alone and realized that he was isolating himself from many of his friends. Makes sense.

The second reason he has to be alone is because he needs to watch porn to relax while on cocaine! “Really? But aren’t they both stimulants?” “Yes, but you can’t get hard while on coke.” “Right.”

After the date is over, he informs that he is not interested in anything exclusive or a committed thing. Really? Wait! I thought it was perfectly acceptable to be in an exclusive isolated relationship with your coke habit and porn collection!

YOU'RE JUST A DUMBASS

Date smarter.