Top 3 things NOT to say on your online dating profile

People are attracted to what resonates with them. Online dating is no different. We are treating online dating as we do social media streams; the shiniest object is what grabs our attention. So, when we review profiles we are trying to get a better sense of who you are and what you say you are. If you start with a list of things you don’t want, that’s what you’re going to get.

What men say: Not looking for a gold digger.

You come off as someone who doesn’t want to build a relationship/partnership. Why? Because you’re letting past relationships control your future relationships.

What women read:  You got divorced and lost your shit. Does that mean you won’t be able to be in a dual income partnership? Are you blaming your life choices on someone else’s spending pattern? Are you unable to recognize someone that isn’t materialistic?

What men say: Drama queens need not apply. If you have an ex that is a FWB, don’t bother to contact me. If you have baby mama drama, don’t contact me.

Are you hoping to filter out drama queens by telling them not to contact you? Drama queens don’t exist if they don’t have an audience. You just set up a stage for them 🙂

What women read:  Your mailbox will be flooded with “F you just because I have a kid doesn’t mean I have drama.” Or “F you just because I have a past that you don’t understand, that doesn’t make me a drama queen.”

What men say: Don’t contact me if you’re not comfortable sexually.

Telling women they shouldn’t have standards, might not get you what you want.Leave the seduction for face-to-face.

What women read: That begs the question: “wtf is he into?” “F you because I’m not into casual sex/hookups/booty calls whenever you want sex, isn’t going to get you either a hookup or LTR.” Or “who the f are you to start with sex on your profile when you claim to be looking for something substantial.”

 

Want love? Stop doing dumb shit that gets you no one.

“I want tall, dark, and handsome.” So do plenty of other people. “I want barbie who can cook and clean.” Take a #. The problem with approaching online dating this way is that we’re treating profiles like we do our online social networking streams. The shiniest object is what we stop at. We should be efficient and select what we find attractive, but not where it discounts good candidates. Perception is an illusion. You know why? Because #1 person we lie to is ourselves.

We’re living in a self-absorbedie culture. Attraction is the first cut for dating. Are we trying to stand out? Yes. Do we have to go to extremes to stand out?

Let’s find out:

How many selfies do you take? How many final photos are filtered? A study found that women spend 753 hours on taking selfies and that includes filtering photos. Are these the photos that make it to an online dating profile? Yes. What’s the #1 complaint of online dating that I hear? That people don’t look like their pics! For men, posting selfies has been linked to having narcissistic traits. Not rocket science. It was also linked to self-objectification. Should men pose with tigers? WTF? [Not even lying! Check it out: TNDRGWTPhoto and article courtesy of Diamond Coleman at BuzzFeed] Is that upping sexy? Are men discounting other qualities like their accomplishments, drive, honesty, so that they could beat the guy above or below them?

Here’s what you can do:

Use an accurate photo. Men: No one wants to think they are meeting with a Brad Pitt look-a-like to find Mr Magoo showing up. Women: Most of the time we look better in real life. If the wrinkles bother you that bad, Botox not airbrush.

Online dating shouldn’t be a competition with the person above or below you. You’re looking for a specific set of qualities that compliment you. So is the person above or below you. At the end, you will get what you want and so will they.

Stop being a persona. Be you. Not the guy/girl you think women/men want to respond to. Women get too many messages from “undesirable guys” while men send hundreds of messages in order to get a response. One of the draws to online dating is efficiency. Filtering through hundreds of profiles from people who don’t fit your search criteria and spamming everyone is not efficient.

 

Really? And that’s why you’re just a dumbass

Say you want to meet someone that has the potential for long-term,  would you write this?

“I think you’re hot. So I’ll lay it all out…

I would like to date someone open to BDSM and some kinky pursuits in a and passionate relationship. I seek a submissive woman who craves a dominant man as a private element to our monogamous relationship. 

Does this appeal to you? Do you want to know more?”

Probably not, right? Ok, so let’s look at the strategy shall we? 🙂 So, this message gets sent out to x amount of women hoping that a fraction of that number responds back to you. And I completely appreciate that you are treating online dating like a job interview. Qualifying candidates to put them on a return call list. Very efficient strategy 🙂 I wonder how many wound up on that return call list?

Want to improve your online dating odds, here’s some tips from a behavioral scientist:

1. Online is hard because you can’t convey the 3-D you. When writing to someone, write as though you are addressing your target audience. The above letter was written by a man trying to appeal to a woman, but sounds like a sales pitch. Don’t write as yourself about what you want only. Be genuine and appeal to the gender you are writing to.  

2. Try to be congruent. If you list that your main relationship option is to find a potential long term relationship but act like you just want a casual encounter; it can be perceived as deceptive. Which will definitely not result in any dates with what you want.

3. Try to be alluring. The main point of the communication and online dating is to go on a date(s). Rather than writing out your life story before meeting, save that for a date! For men trying to attract women, women appreciate you trying to pursue and impress them. It is kind of replicating the real world. For women trying to attract men, men appreciate women that they won’t quickly categorize as having “issues”.

Why women should be more like men

Ladies, we have to be more like men. Let me tell you why. I’m commuting to work, minding my own business and trying to get some work done. When all of a sudden a random guy sits next to me & starts chatting me up. I tried to be as polite as I could be as he started telling me his whole career life story, so I buried my head in my work. I didn’t really want to get caught up in someone’s issues of self-importance.

He didn’t pick up on any of my social cues or didn’t care, so I continued to not give him any eye contact while he kept talking 🙂 Occasionally, he would stop talking and I thought he would stop. No, meant nothing to him. He kept on new topics 🙂 Finally, his stop comes up and he’s getting off the train. And that’s where the real comedy starts! He extends out a piece of paper and says to me “I’d like to give you my number because you are the type of person that I’d like to take on a date.” WTF?!?! How the fuck did you ascertain that? Wow! Unbelievable! 

“No, thanks I’m seeing somebody.”

“Oh that doesn’t matter to me!” Now, that answer made sense because he didn’t care that he was talking to himself for the entire ride! 

“Yet, it matters to me!”

Let me give you an even more ridiculous story. I’m at the supermarket checkout counter when a random guy all disheveled with a smell on him that I couldn’t even determine and is adjusting the front of his pants at his belt buckle.

Hermes0524

Right-the kind of guy your mom tells you to marry 🙂 He turns to me and says “Hi! How are you?” with his shirt tail tucked out and this weird smell! I say the obligatory don’t-want-you-to-become-mental-on-me-if-I-don’t-acknowledge-you “Good, you?” He turns to me throws his suit jacket over his shoulder and says “Better for seeing you!!!! Again, wtf?!?!

So, I told you these stories to tell you this: what would happen if women acted more like men. Of course I gave you the most extreme cases (I just wanted to share the comedy), but at the end of the day men pursue what they want. They don’t say to themselves: I’m not pretty enough, I’m not at the sexiest at the moment, I put on some weight, or whatever else that would stop them from trying to get what they want.

Flirt, start up chit chat, give someone eye signals across the room or have a wing person that will engage the person for you. Chatty Kathy and Stinky try this same method till someone takes the bait. Don’t let Chatty Kathy and Stinky think that it works 🙂

Self-deception at its best

Best WTH lines I have heard so far:

1. “Dating while you’re married isn’t cheating”. Explaining some of the difficulties of a marriage after years of divorce. Grounds for divorce: not performing marital duties! WHAT? “Oh really? No sex for you? Uh, perhaps the key reason for that is that they were dating while you both were married”.

weddgring

2. “Found out he is married, living with her and is expecting a kid with her, but we are going to go ahead with planning our wedding”. After hiring a private investigator, crashing his car & wrecking his apartment (after breaking & entering).

3. “I know that we are different religions and that everyone has turned their backs on us, but it’ll work out”. One year and several re-locations later, “We got divorced”. What? “Yeah, turns out her family had a hit out on me!”.

4. “She’s a little too much to handle sometimes, but I’m getting used to it”. After throwing F bombs & Christmas gifts across the room at her in-laws. The trigger phrase: “You didn’t have to get us anything, your presence is gift enough!”.

5. “I don’t bring my partner to any of my social engagements because I don’t want anyone knowing my business”. As they tweet, instagram and fb throughout the entire night enough information that if the cops needed information about their whereabouts, it would suffice.

2 rude bitches:1 is a hooker, the other a whore!

Act I of the evening

Characters: Unsuspecting Idiot #1-my friend

Unsuspecting Idiot #2-me

Random party “guest”-party crasher

Place: Luxury hotel in a metropolitan city

So I get invited to an event at an upscale luxury hotel. Picture ornate, opulence, marble entry & staircases, $800.00 a night type of place. As the night progresses and the party begins winding down, new guests arrive to the hotel. And when I say “guests” I mean the type that likes to “entertain” in exchange for getting their cell phone bill getting paid. One of the “guests” approaches one of my friends and engages in a conversation with him. He motions over to me and I walk up to them and he tries to introduce me. She turns her back on me and resumes her conversation. He pulls me into the conversation and she regretfully moves to the side, but manages to throw me shade! I’m laughing at her. I understand when people feel threatened when you’re in the same demographic because of perceived competition.  But, in this case the only thing we had in common was hair color. Oh, the key here is I’M NOT A HOOKER! How do I know she’s a hooker you ask? Her hook is she was showing my friend her photography skills. What was the subject of her photography? Her sexual acts. Yes, we got to see her in random photos at some point of the sexual encounter. She turns her back to me again and asks my friend if he’s staying in the hotel and if he liked what he saw!

Wait did she just confuse me for a hooker and I’m cutting into her trick? Wait this is unacceptable behavior by any female. Did I crack her skull on the marble floor you ask? No I didn’t want to replicate her pimp’s behavior. I let her try to continue to make money on her back.

Act II of the evening

Characters: Douchebag #1-pathetic guy trying to date multiple people

Unsuspecting girl-douchebag’s + 1

Random guy-a genuinely interested in finding decent people to date

Annoyed girl-me

Place: A bar restaurant in a metropolitan city

Props: A drink

A cell phone

One month ago, I attend an event with a good friend of mine. As we exit the venue, I get accosted by this guy who wants to give me his card and get my phone number. I politely take his card and inform him that I don’t give out my number. To which he barks “Oh fine! Yeah sure you call me! Whatever! YOU be different!” Needless to say, I wasn’t going to be calling this guy.

So, I am at a friend’s party chatting away with this seemingly nice guy who genuinely is looking to date decent people. He offers to buy me a drink and is walking up to me with the drink and resumes the conversation. When all of a sudden guess who comes right in the middle of me and this random nice guy and gets in my face? It’s the rude guy from a month ago! Unbelievable that he could be this obnoxious! I remind him that the last time I saw him he was exceptionally rude similar to now. What does he do? Doesn’t apologize says he really wants to get to know me. “So does this guy right here. Take care.”

I resume my conversation with random nice guy while he just stands there. I move away and he comes in between us again. Before I can even say anything, a girl walks up to him and says “I’ve been texting you! How come you haven’t answered?” My eyes widen in anticipation of what this shit show is gonna reveal. The random nice guy makes me step away and we resume our conversation. The girl comes over to us and vents to us about how she’s dating him and he wasn’t answering his phone. We empathized and the random nice guy says “we don’t know him, but he was harassing her.” Ding, ding, ding! Round 2. She furiously begins calling him again and walks off somewhere. Maybe 10 minutes later he comes back up to us and apologies for being disrespectful. He continues by explaining that they were just friends, that she didn’t want to be left alone at the party and he really doesn’t understand why she acted that way. “I really didn’t want you to have the wrong impression of me. I’m a really honest guy. I’m heading out of here to meet with another friend of mine. Nice seeing you again.” I’m relieved. “Have a good night.” He stands there and starts texting. We begin to walk away when I see the girl coming towards the douchebag. Naturally, I had to stay. She goes right up to him and snatches his phone right out of his hand and she starts to scan his phone. While he tries to retrieve his phone, she throws her drink on him! He exits stage left and she tells us that she was hooking up with him for awhile and it wasn’t working out. She threw a drink at him for making plans with another girl while they are on a date! I had front row seats to the shit show!

You couldn’t even turn off the porn?
The stats on this guy:
Age: 40
Occupation: MD
Seeking: Long Term Relationship

Lavalife, like most online dating sites, has several search options. I met him in the LTR chat section. We had a lot in common, we were getting along, he seemed really interesting and it was mutual. So, we decide to have a phone conversation, where we talked for an hour! We were intrigued and excited to see each other based on a really interesting conversation.

We decide to meet up a week later. Chemistry was great, we were both very attracted to each other, very free-flowing conversation, overall had a great date. He called me that same night reiterated his interest and wanted to go on a second date. Cool. The whole week we we’re texting each other every day. Second date was better than the first. I mean he not only practices medicine, he also wants to perfect a technique to improve recovery time on patients. [You can just picture small kittens at this point]. Really nice guy, sweet, compassionate, a little bit of a homebody for me, but all around good guy. Definitely looking forward to our next date. Finally I break my serial one date online dating pattern with someone who I was very intrigued by.

Same thing: he calls me when the date is over. This time he has noise on in the background so loud that I had to comment. It sounded like stethoscopeporn. “Is that porn?” “Yes. I can’t turn the volume down.” And continued his conversation. I tried to go with the flow. Shush don’t judge. But the screaming kept me very unfocused. Doesn’t bother to pause it or anything that might make sense. So, I simply say “Is she screaming?” Quiet, then in a very breathy voice says yes. Nice! “Are you jerking off?” In shorter breaths says “I’m thinking about your ass!” Then cums. I naturally hang up, not because I don’t like a little phone sex. I just like to know that I’m gonna be participating. He continued to call me all night long.

Talent powered by lavalife.

WTF?

This date is courtesy of our beloved match.com. I am walking up to the door and am greeted by a random guy who knows my name. It’s the guy I am supposed to meet. He is waiting for me outside because he grossly misrepresented himself.  He used a picture of his cousin because he is insecure about his looks, apologizes, and would completely understand if I didn’t want to go through with the date. Ok, I would’ve been an asshole if I said “you look like a pug dog. I gotta get the fuck outta here.” [Which is what I thought in my head.] So, I decided to go through with the date. I drank one drink while he had 3!

We are wrapping it up. I tell him that I have to meet up with a friend in a bit. [When I was in the bathroom I texted a friend to find out where she was going to be]. Fine. He gets me in a cab tells the cabbie where to go; he goes on about his day. While in the cab, I get a text from my friend saying she is running an hour late. No worries, right? I get to my destination and he calls out my name and is stepping out of a cab!!! WTF?

I had to go up to random f’g strangers quickly tell them that I was on a horrible date and pretend like I know them. Of course these people are visiting from London! Why would they not be? He walks up to us and, naturally, I ask if I left anything. Trying to be as graceful as I can, but I’m pissed.  He was just hoping to see if I was interested in having another drink. Again, wtf? So, I said in the nicest way possible that our date ended 20 blocks ago.

So, what does he do? Sits right at the bar and orders himself a drink. I continue to talk to these random strangers who are having a field day with this ridiculous story. What does he do?  He comes over to me and taps me on the shoulder and says “can I talk to you for a moment?” Sure and roll my eyes. He apologizes again and asks if I would join him for 1 drink. Uhhhh, let me think, no! I really appreciate that you a) lured me with your cousin’s picture who doesn’t look remotely like you and b) followed me to another location without an invitation.

It wasn’t so much that he looked like a pug dog, but that he thought all of the steps he did were absolutely ok. I would LOVE to know what he was thinking at every step. Should I have told him at the very beginning what I said at the end? Maybe, but I wasn’t expecting to be greeted by him again at the next place! Next time I am going to be an asshole. Being nice doesn’t play out the same way as it does in my mind.