Why men are not idiots and women are not crazy

We often talk about the differences between men and women’s communication style. I really think the key to this difference are due to our biology. Men behave the way they do because they can’t give birth, so they try to provide material things. Their orientation to the world is far less emotional and more about material acquisition. Women deliver life which is a spiritual experience that makes us more aware of our mortality and our life choices. Women tend to think and act beyond themselves. Both genders seek permanence, stability and security; but our definitions of these things are sometimes different. Men don’t require the same level of permanence, stability and security as women do. The male ego is far more driven to preserve itself, while the female ego seeks to create stability around her.

Women feel they need to maximize their situations and want to project that moment into the future. Men take their situations and project it just to that space and time. They evaluate personality and character flaws; women evaluate the emotional content that was created in that moment. Women can take that situation and begin to think about what the future will be based on that situation. i.e., if you didn’t wash the dishes after dinner was prepared, we think that you either: a) devalue us on some level; b) don’t want to create an equitable partnership; and/or c) are acting selfishly. All of these choices lead us to believe that our lives will include elements of being devalued, treated inconsiderately, and acting against our self-interest.

Men can examine the situation, deal with the moment, adapt accordingly, and move on. They don’t project that situation onto a lifetime of misery. Most times they have already balanced out what they need before they met you. They don’t dwell on minor details like we do. Men fantasize about the physical; women fantasize about their lifestyle. This is why we are obsessed with shoes 😉

How to get what you want.

Honesty, communication, and respect are what I believe are the foundation for any good relationship, romantic or not. If you want to improve your relationships, you can begin with working on your communication and listening skills. Miscommunication and not being heard quickly becomes anger, resentment, regret or disillusionment.

Tips on communicating and listening:

  1. Don’t assume you know what the point is. Let the person convey what is on their mind before you interject.  When you interject too quickly you are focusing on the previous discussion that was a recycled version of the one you are currently listening to and already expect the outcome to be the same. A fight, resentment, introversion, or accumulated anger is what you are trying to avoid.
  2. Summarize, anticipate, and formulate questions based on what you’re hearing. Strategize by moderating your reaction as the person is talking to you, then respond. The speed in which your thoughts and speech work are two different frequencies. That allots you time to avoid the pitfall of another fight, being misunderstood, or expressing the wrong emotions.
  3. Be flexible in your thinking about the outcome of the discussion. If ultimately you want x, you may have to be able to hear an alternative method.

You are not meant to suffer silently.

Since its Father’s Day on Sunday, I have been getting a lot of letters on deep seated pain about daddy issues, parent absenteeism, abandonment, and parent-child reconciliation. I don’t want to minimize the role our parents play in who we become in our adult relationships. There are many reasons why it is that we pick the wrong types. I’d like to give you the easy answer, but the truth is there isn’t just one factor.

The reality is that your parents can’t be blamed for your past failed relationships. You decided to select who you dated. I’m not here to tell you that they didn’t contribute to the choices in who you selected, why you selected them and/or why you tolerated things you may not have normally tolerated. Your parents provided you with the basics: life. That’s the only thing they owe you. The rest is entirely up to your own design. They provided the context for how you function. You take that blueprint and create your life schematics. The best thing you can do is go through life recognizing why you made the decisions that you did. If it was due to an absent parent, address it with that parent or parents. They also have reasons for their decisions. You have tried to reason out the rationale for their decisions for years and, in the final analysis, that is hardly ever their reasons. The reasons that exist in your mind are reasons you created to cope with your pain, hurt, the incomprehensible or the unfathomable. They tried to deal with their decisions the best way they could. Listen to their rationale. More than likely it was never intended to hurt you or not show you love. All of our decisions are based on selfish reasons (meaning they are benefiting some aspect of what we are and think we need/want). Try to avoid thinking that they owe you more than what is realistic. That may further imprison you or arrest your growth. Once you have identified the aspects that caused you to make the decisions you made, then you are able to move forward and understand the painful experiences you have had. We all have things that cause us pain that keep leading us to reproduce pain. That’s the irony. Sometimes it is conscious, other times its subconscious.

Today begin a different practice. Start by recognizing your parents’ limitations. They didn’t intend for you to be brought into this world to suffer. They may have been in their own personal version of torture. Any human life brought into this world is a gift because it’s something the world needed. You are not here to suffer silently. Sometimes we love in search of ourselves, to fill a void, to feel again, to feel needed, simply to have companionship, etc. In every case, ask yourself what this relationship really represents in your life and to you.

What are some of the things you can do to help reconcile some of the causes of your pain?

 Step 1. Gratitude list

thx

Make a list of all of the qualities you admire about your parent(s). The one (or both) that affected you the most. It could be that they provided you with a home, clothes, food, toys, your education, etc. Anything that made your life comfortable.

Step 2. Defining moment

Once you’ve completed that list, I want you to go back and think of a moment in time that you were grateful that they were there. It could be taking you to your little league practice, that they pushed you to excel in school, that they both where in the delivery room, they took you to get your driver’s license or your first car, the day you had your own child and gained a better understanding of the choices a parent makes, etc. Anything that contributed to you at the time or to who you are now.

Step 3.  Reflection

How does it make you feel? That feeling is what you should feel when you are in a healthy relationship.

Happy Father’s Day and thank you mom & pop!

Stop the head games you play with yourself!

Just because you had a negative experience doesn’t mean that you’re going to have another bad experience. I have often said that relationships should leave visible scars rather than psychological scars. Simply because physical scars heal within a specific time and sometimes are reminders of what not to do, while psychological scars can act in the complete opposite where you can become imprisoned in your mind and body.

Here are some tips on how to avoid the head games you play with yourself:

  1. One of the key elements about a relationship is that it should make you a better version of yourself. If that is not happening, you have to exit while you still recognize yourself.
  2. You allow yourself to be used. Ask yourself why you allowed it in this case and not others or why you continuously let them use you.
  3. There is a reciprocal nature to the universe. Let the universe take care of it. Don’t ruminate about the relationship.
  4. Don’t victimize yourself post break up.
  5. Don’t relive negative events that occurred in the relationship by recalling what happened or extract an aspect to persecute yourself over again. You’re torturing yourself & subsequently delaying your own growth.
  6. Don’t lie to yourself. One of the keys is that you have to be honest with yourself and in defining your truth; you have to come to terms with it.
  7. People are who they are, not what you want you want them to be or what you would like to see them become.
  8. Don’t ascribe unrealistic expectations to people. People’s reality is shaped by their experiences which shapes their perception.
  9. No repeat performances. Time post break up simply created distance, not fondness. They are your exes for a reason. You keep moving forward, not backwards. Re-read #6.
  10. Develop further or refine your list of what is compatible for you.
  11. Further refine your happiness hypothesis.
  12. If it reached your threshold of what’s unacceptable, it’s unacceptable. Some people dismiss porn being played in the background while you’re trying to have a conversation, some dismiss cheating. It all depends on your tolerance level. None of it is wrong because it’s how you define your happiness.

2 rude bitches:1 is a hooker, the other a whore!

Act I of the evening

Characters: Unsuspecting Idiot #1-my friend

Unsuspecting Idiot #2-me

Random party “guest”-party crasher

Place: Luxury hotel in a metropolitan city

So I get invited to an event at an upscale luxury hotel. Picture ornate, opulence, marble entry & staircases, $800.00 a night type of place. As the night progresses and the party begins winding down, new guests arrive to the hotel. And when I say “guests” I mean the type that likes to “entertain” in exchange for getting their cell phone bill getting paid. One of the “guests” approaches one of my friends and engages in a conversation with him. He motions over to me and I walk up to them and he tries to introduce me. She turns her back on me and resumes her conversation. He pulls me into the conversation and she regretfully moves to the side, but manages to throw me shade! I’m laughing at her. I understand when people feel threatened when you’re in the same demographic because of perceived competition.  But, in this case the only thing we had in common was hair color. Oh, the key here is I’M NOT A HOOKER! How do I know she’s a hooker you ask? Her hook is she was showing my friend her photography skills. What was the subject of her photography? Her sexual acts. Yes, we got to see her in random photos at some point of the sexual encounter. She turns her back to me again and asks my friend if he’s staying in the hotel and if he liked what he saw!

Wait did she just confuse me for a hooker and I’m cutting into her trick? Wait this is unacceptable behavior by any female. Did I crack her skull on the marble floor you ask? No I didn’t want to replicate her pimp’s behavior. I let her try to continue to make money on her back.

Act II of the evening

Characters: Douchebag #1-pathetic guy trying to date multiple people

Unsuspecting girl-douchebag’s + 1

Random guy-a genuinely interested in finding decent people to date

Annoyed girl-me

Place: A bar restaurant in a metropolitan city

Props: A drink

A cell phone

One month ago, I attend an event with a good friend of mine. As we exit the venue, I get accosted by this guy who wants to give me his card and get my phone number. I politely take his card and inform him that I don’t give out my number. To which he barks “Oh fine! Yeah sure you call me! Whatever! YOU be different!” Needless to say, I wasn’t going to be calling this guy.

So, I am at a friend’s party chatting away with this seemingly nice guy who genuinely is looking to date decent people. He offers to buy me a drink and is walking up to me with the drink and resumes the conversation. When all of a sudden guess who comes right in the middle of me and this random nice guy and gets in my face? It’s the rude guy from a month ago! Unbelievable that he could be this obnoxious! I remind him that the last time I saw him he was exceptionally rude similar to now. What does he do? Doesn’t apologize says he really wants to get to know me. “So does this guy right here. Take care.”

I resume my conversation with random nice guy while he just stands there. I move away and he comes in between us again. Before I can even say anything, a girl walks up to him and says “I’ve been texting you! How come you haven’t answered?” My eyes widen in anticipation of what this shit show is gonna reveal. The random nice guy makes me step away and we resume our conversation. The girl comes over to us and vents to us about how she’s dating him and he wasn’t answering his phone. We empathized and the random nice guy says “we don’t know him, but he was harassing her.” Ding, ding, ding! Round 2. She furiously begins calling him again and walks off somewhere. Maybe 10 minutes later he comes back up to us and apologies for being disrespectful. He continues by explaining that they were just friends, that she didn’t want to be left alone at the party and he really doesn’t understand why she acted that way. “I really didn’t want you to have the wrong impression of me. I’m a really honest guy. I’m heading out of here to meet with another friend of mine. Nice seeing you again.” I’m relieved. “Have a good night.” He stands there and starts texting. We begin to walk away when I see the girl coming towards the douchebag. Naturally, I had to stay. She goes right up to him and snatches his phone right out of his hand and she starts to scan his phone. While he tries to retrieve his phone, she throws her drink on him! He exits stage left and she tells us that she was hooking up with him for awhile and it wasn’t working out. She threw a drink at him for making plans with another girl while they are on a date! I had front row seats to the shit show!

You couldn’t even turn off the porn?
The stats on this guy:
Age: 40
Occupation: MD
Seeking: Long Term Relationship

Lavalife, like most online dating sites, has several search options. I met him in the LTR chat section. We had a lot in common, we were getting along, he seemed really interesting and it was mutual. So, we decide to have a phone conversation, where we talked for an hour! We were intrigued and excited to see each other based on a really interesting conversation.

We decide to meet up a week later. Chemistry was great, we were both very attracted to each other, very free-flowing conversation, overall had a great date. He called me that same night reiterated his interest and wanted to go on a second date. Cool. The whole week we we’re texting each other every day. Second date was better than the first. I mean he not only practices medicine, he also wants to perfect a technique to improve recovery time on patients. [You can just picture small kittens at this point]. Really nice guy, sweet, compassionate, a little bit of a homebody for me, but all around good guy. Definitely looking forward to our next date. Finally I break my serial one date online dating pattern with someone who I was very intrigued by.

Same thing: he calls me when the date is over. This time he has noise on in the background so loud that I had to comment. It sounded like stethoscopeporn. “Is that porn?” “Yes. I can’t turn the volume down.” And continued his conversation. I tried to go with the flow. Shush don’t judge. But the screaming kept me very unfocused. Doesn’t bother to pause it or anything that might make sense. So, I simply say “Is she screaming?” Quiet, then in a very breathy voice says yes. Nice! “Are you jerking off?” In shorter breaths says “I’m thinking about your ass!” Then cums. I naturally hang up, not because I don’t like a little phone sex. I just like to know that I’m gonna be participating. He continued to call me all night long.

Talent powered by lavalife.

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships!

An Open Letter to Exes Worldwide

Dear Ex,

I’m sick of paying the price of your past failed relationships.

It’s not my fault that you failed at the relationship. Why persecute me for your inability to see when you f*d up. Someone cheated on you because you failed as a partner. Face it. You were absent in the relationship and expecting that someone who was present was going to accept your absence. Maybe I was the dumbass for dating you, but I didn’t do it to you. It’s not my fault you couldn’t recognize kindness, love, genuine emotion, honesty, and concern.

F you for not being able to recognize strength and confused it for weakness; for confusing honesty with dishonesty; for distorting trustworthiness with manipulation. All of what you told me where lies because you were still evaluating me based on someone else’s actions. I can admit that now, it’s your turn.

Whatever happened to you, I didn’t do it to you. You can’t go through people to make you better. You have to deal with it before you get into another relationship.

You’re just a dumbass!

Stop dating down!

Ok, so, I told you the WTF? story to tell you this: dating down is a terrible thing.

Most of the time when I have dated down, I was hoping that I really wasn’t or I was lying to myself about who the person really was. I was highlighting the aspects of the person that I wanted and ignoring ALL of the things that I didn’t want. I realized that people are what they are, not what you want them to be.

How do you know you’re dating down? Here’s a list of some things that will help you answer that question:

1. Do your family/friends tell you that the person isn’t a good fit for you?

Let’s face it, sometimes family/friends are on target because they are experiencing the relationship through your experience. What you tell them is what they base their opinion on. They are the first desertpeople to notice change in your mood, attitude, or personality. They are mentioning things based on seeing this change. If before the relationship your lifelong interest was vacationing through the desert with your partner and now you are ok with a boardwalk stroll on the Jersey shore, your family/friends will be the first to remind you that somewhere along the line you are going to be very unhappy.

2. Are you telling them and yourself you’re not dating down/settling?

Most of us don’t like to admit that we are dating down. But, when we really look at what we wanted and what we’re getting, it might be that we are settling.

3. Are you settling because it’s: a) comfortable, b) companionship, or c) the dating scene in your city sucks?

Relationships are supposed to be challenging at times because it is a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes it’s the aspects of ourselves we don’t want to deal with, other times it’s the aspects that we admire about ourselves. We have to realize what we project into the relationship. We are supposed to be a better version of ourselves in our relationships and compliment each other’s goals. If that’s not happening, it might be settling for one or all of the reasons above.

4. Are you justifying the relationship to yourself by requiring just the basics (i.e., they won’t cheat, they don’t like to go out much, they need you to help them, etc)?

It’s amazing how many times I have heard s/he won’t cheat as the primary reason why they stay together. The reality about that is: it has to do with you. It’s either about your insecurity, past relationships, or trust. If cheating is at the top of your priority list, you will most likely will accept different things that are equally unsatisfactory.

5. Are you drinking/eating/recreational drugging more than usual?

This sounds like a no brainer. But, when you are coping with things you don’t want to deal with, you can turn to something to help you cope. You might not be aware that you are bingeing. If it’s excessive or other people are telling you you’re being excessive, it might be more than usual. 😉

6. Are you upset more than usual?

This sounds like a no brainer, too. But, sometimes frequent fighting about things that can not change is you fighting with yourself. Circumstances around the person can change, people take a longer time to change. People don’t change because you want them to; they change because they want to. Circumstances that you were aware of before getting into the relationship don’t change. If they were emotionally unavailable, they have to work through that before they become emotionally available. If they weren’t sure they could commit, you might not be the one to make them commit. Both situations require that the person be in a relationship to change that. You have to be comfortable with the idea that you are just the catalyst. Till you realize that, you are fighting with yourself because you are at a different place in your life than the other person. In essence, you are upset with yourself.

7. Are you replacing things on your list with the things the other person wants?

I’m not talking about compromising. I’m talking about defining what you want based on someone else to please them. Men usually commit when their career is in a comfortable and stable pattern. Women usually look for stability to begin thinking about marriage and having children.  That’s two distinct features. Men’s concerns are their income ability, while women are concerned with children, income, and creating a home. Your desires, lifestyle requirements, and dreams are the things that you thought of as the right things to create the lifestyle you wanted as a result of 2 people.

 

WTF?

This date is courtesy of our beloved match.com. I am walking up to the door and am greeted by a random guy who knows my name. It’s the guy I am supposed to meet. He is waiting for me outside because he grossly misrepresented himself.  He used a picture of his cousin because he is insecure about his looks, apologizes, and would completely understand if I didn’t want to go through with the date. Ok, I would’ve been an asshole if I said “you look like a pug dog. I gotta get the fuck outta here.” [Which is what I thought in my head.] So, I decided to go through with the date. I drank one drink while he had 3!

We are wrapping it up. I tell him that I have to meet up with a friend in a bit. [When I was in the bathroom I texted a friend to find out where she was going to be]. Fine. He gets me in a cab tells the cabbie where to go; he goes on about his day. While in the cab, I get a text from my friend saying she is running an hour late. No worries, right? I get to my destination and he calls out my name and is stepping out of a cab!!! WTF?

I had to go up to random f’g strangers quickly tell them that I was on a horrible date and pretend like I know them. Of course these people are visiting from London! Why would they not be? He walks up to us and, naturally, I ask if I left anything. Trying to be as graceful as I can, but I’m pissed.  He was just hoping to see if I was interested in having another drink. Again, wtf? So, I said in the nicest way possible that our date ended 20 blocks ago.

So, what does he do? Sits right at the bar and orders himself a drink. I continue to talk to these random strangers who are having a field day with this ridiculous story. What does he do?  He comes over to me and taps me on the shoulder and says “can I talk to you for a moment?” Sure and roll my eyes. He apologizes again and asks if I would join him for 1 drink. Uhhhh, let me think, no! I really appreciate that you a) lured me with your cousin’s picture who doesn’t look remotely like you and b) followed me to another location without an invitation.

It wasn’t so much that he looked like a pug dog, but that he thought all of the steps he did were absolutely ok. I would LOVE to know what he was thinking at every step. Should I have told him at the very beginning what I said at the end? Maybe, but I wasn’t expecting to be greeted by him again at the next place! Next time I am going to be an asshole. Being nice doesn’t play out the same way as it does in my mind.

Stop dating assholes!

Let me give you the timeframe: coke & porn and bucket list boy were all within 1 week. I am a firm believer in giving people opportunities.

A friend of mine said “Listen, we all date assholes till we meet the right one.” At the time I thought it was a harsh statement, but he’s right. Not that the people I date are assholes; because who we choose to date is a reflection of who we are and what we think we want. While dating, we are really testing out the combination of qualities, characteristics, and life desires we are looking for. We discover the things that we thought we wanted might not be what we need.

Approaching dating as though it is testing out our happiness hypothesis or algorithm can help minimize some of our own expectations. Create an equation that includes the elements that you absolutely require (fixed variable) and the elements that you think you want (random variable). Focus just on characteristics, qualities and life desires. For example: a friend of mine has the following requirements of the men she dates: ivy educated, graduate degree, professional, shared religion, family-oriented, certain age range, & certain height requirements. Physical appearance, sense of humor, adventurous, and work-life balance are not priorities for her. Identify the elements that you think you must have and those that you’d like to have.  You might find that dating based on a system testing out your happiness hypothesis, will help you figure out what is a better fit for yourself.

The other elements about finding the right person are far more complex. Being in the right frame of mind + the right place + the right time + right chemistry + the person also possessing the right set of characteristics.

You might also find that you will feel less pressure on making the wrong person fit the model and essentially you’ll stop dating assholes.