Start off your New Year with a bang!

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As I reflect on the year, I realize more and more that life isn’t always about getting what you deserve. It’s about us all being on different trajectories. The reality is that everyone has the same opportunities at being happy. It’s about the choices we make and understanding how it shaped our experiences. The better we are at understanding why we chose what we did, the closer we get to actualizing our goals.

The things that we experience are temporary. It changes as our perception of the experience changes. Everything has its own unique trajectory. Imagine a ball in flight. The speed and direction in which it travels is dependent on the amount of force exerted onto the ball, the angle of your wrist, your strength for it to travel. The same principle can be applied to our everyday lives. Each person’s trajectory possesses its own unique set of qualities that is directed by each decision we make. What it yields is dependent on the decisions we make around the goal we want to achieve. The better we understand our experiences, we get a better sense of what we need and then we are better aligned to encounter the right set of circumstances and people.

This year, in addition to your New Year’s resolution, write a letter to your 2012 self itemizing the things that you gained, how you grew, and what you’re appreciative of. Whether you: grew from the ordeal of a break-up, divorce, found the love of your life, found a job, got laid-off, gained more customers or started your own business. Think about each thing that you would like to continue and things that you would like to grow from. Everything we go through brings us closer to what we need to actualize our dreams or brings about our happiness. If your goal is to be a better partner in your relationship (your trajectory), think about how your communication style may have improved in the last year or conversely how it can be improved in the coming year (your decision making process). Whatever the situation is, think about what led you to that moment and what you intended on happening. If it is what you intended, apply that formula to other situations. If it wasn’t, revise the process by being more congruent with what you want to achieve. Sometimes when we see it written, we are better able to see some of the incongruence very clearly. When I have reflected on my past experiences, I realized that the qualities and circumstances that I was seeking was the opposite of what I was experiencing. Hope this helps you have the best year yet!

Have a happy, healthy & prosperous New Year!

Tis the season

It’s the time of year where everyone and their momma is having holiday parties. There are some parties that you feel you should go to, that you have to go to, and that you need to pre-party before you go to. In the spirit of festivities  my friend and I had to go to all three in one night. Of course adventures are synonymous with holiday parties!xmas

So, we started off at a bar before we went to the obligatory party for alittle pre-party action. As we try to maneuver  through the crowd, two gentleman walk up to us and offer to buy us drinks. This random act of kindness is because one of the gentlemen are celebrating their birthday. Huh of all things. As we listen to them talk about themselves and how great they are, one turns to me and says “so how about my birthday present?”. Of course! The angle was set up  from the very beginning. “So, you go up to random girls and ask them to hang with you on your “birthday”? Do you both get beyond a drink with girls?”. “Well, he’s married and this place’s nickname is whore house.” What? Really? “Is that right? I’m kind of perplexed because a) your wing man is a married guy and b) you’re using the birthday pickup line at a place that is nicknamed whore house.” “You don’t know how hard It is to get women these days.It used to be so much easier it took a drink.” “I get that, but don’t you think it looks kind of bad that you don’t have friends to hang with on your birthday and your trolling around with a married guy? Isn’t that just gonna be pity sex?” “Hey you think I care what it looks like, I just want to get off. Men want to get off. If he’s not getting any at home, he’ll find some girl with daddy issues that will get with him.” Merry Christmas to me! Finally got to understand what men really want! Thank you birthday boy!

So, we head over to the first party: the you should go one. We are there for 15 minutes and some guy comes up to me and starts talking about what he does. I tell him about my blog. Flood gates. He decides to tell me all about his sexual experiences and casually reveals that he’s a sex addict. “Not the I’ve had sex with almost everyone in this room; the Tiger Woods type.” I would imagine he is making a minor distinction about selectivity. I didn’t want to be nosey. 🙂 This is a high brow party afterall. He divulged his escapades and I just nodded. He turns to me and says “hey, do you want to have sex on the balcony?”. I laugh it off and politely tell him no. He tried this all night long with several of my friends. We compared notes.

We go to the next party. As we are ready to leave, a random women approaches us and starts chatting me up. It felt like I was on an interview. She kept peering into my eyes like she was trying to penetrate into my soul. Felt uncomfortable, but thought nothing of it. Then walks in her husband and complains about being sick and not himself. Because if he was himself he would invite us back to his place for a nightcap. Sweet! My evening would have not been complete till I got propositioned by swingers! And the gifts just keep on coming!

All of these adventures in one night! I have 4 more days till Christmas! Can’t wait to see what else Santa has in store for me! Have a great holiday everyone!

Top 10 things to help you heal from a failed relationship

First, I’d like to thank all of my followers and readers. I am extremely grateful for your support. Many of you I have cried, laughed, cheered, and ranted with. Most of all I feel like we have gotten to a better place together.

When you are not in a relationship, getting over a relationship/divorce, the holidays can be a challenging time of the year. Each relationship we go through really teaches us about what we need or what we needed to overcome to set you up for a healthy relationship. If you’re currently struggling to get over a relationship, there are a few things you can think about to help overcome some of the pain associated with the break-up.

hearts1. Think about the things that lead you to that relationship in the first place.

2. Think about the things that attracted you to the person.

3. Think about what you were looking for before you got into the relationship.

4. Think about the fears you may have had before you got into the relationship.

5. Think about the things you felt before you got into the relationship.

6. What did the person make you feel about yourself?

7. What did they respond to within you?

8. What did you experience that you hadn’t experienced before?

9. Did you see yourself with the person before you met them?

10. Did you date someone out of your character?

Once you have identified the reasons for some of these questions, you’ll have the answers to help propel you to the next relationship. Sometimes, we keep carrying unnecessary burdens into new relationships. You possess the answers to all that you are feeling; you just have to look at the situation from a different angle. The answers are all within you. You can harm or heal yourself. Returning to the point of who you were before the relationship; puts you in a place of empowerment rather than psychological persecution.  It’s within understanding the unhealthy relationships that we find ourselves and gets us closer to a healthy relationship.

it IS all about ego!

I think that men are more strategic than women when it comes to dating. Here’s why: they have spent their dating lives figuring out what methods work and how to preserve their ego from rejection. mancalcultgThey are better at calculating risk and measuring volatility when it comes to ego preservation. What puts them at an advantage is that they have approached many women to figure out their method. I think they keep all of this information in some sort of spreadsheet like sports stats and go out with these mental stats ready.

Ladies, let’s try to adopt some of their method. Not the approaching people part, but the preservation of ego part. Whether you are dating online, in public or a combination of both; there is nothing more frustrating than being out with someone that you would rather be spending time curled up on your coach in your bunny slippers watching paint dry.

Begin sorting men in categories that are more aligned with what your immediate needs are. Let’s say you’re interested in going out briefly because you are bored of your routine. You’re just interested in not being bored. The people that approach you that night really have the value of entertaining and relieving you of your boredom. They may or may not be what you would want to date, but it serves the purpose of socializing and feeding your ego. When you are less guarded and have no extreme expectations is when you are more yourself. Additionally, when you get your needs met, you are able to go into the next situation less stressed. While you are out, if you encounter people you wouldn’t want to date, engage them with questions that you would really like to get answers to about men. Ask general stuff, but try to avoid relationship based stuff. In case the guy is interested in you, he may give you the “you should be with me”-type answers. Men are very good at telling women all about their gender. Let’s call this category: bored. Score that based on how much your ego was satisfied that you got out of it what you needed.

Let’s say it’s girls night out. You all got dolled up, coordinated your schedules, and are ready to have fun. The purpose of the night is to have fun and catch up. Men approach each one of you throughout the course of the night. Not unusual. Men don’t necessarily pick up on cues that women give off, they see a few girls assembled and think touchdown! This time when men that are not dating material approach one of you, one of you should ask him what he thinks would keep your friend happy. Do that all night long. Collect data and compare notes. Score that based on the responses the men give you. Let’s call this category: comedy night.

The next time you go out, try these methods out. These 2 senarios are really only 1 night out each time, but it will help you out for the next time you go out and meet new people. You won’t feel so overburdened by false expectations, frustrated with meeting the same types of guys, or the stress of not meeting the type of guy that you’d like to date. In both scenarios you really gained insights into the type of man you’d like to be with and you got to assert your ego into scenarios that generally are male ego dominated. Normally, you are listening to them talk about themselves and what they want and how you’d be crazy not to pick them. Try it & let me know how it goes.

Ladies, beware: men are the new women!

Ok, so, when I learned that Spanx, Inc. makes shape wear for men, I couldn’t stop laughing. Not that it’s not a great concept because IT IS! But, that there’s the metrosexual, manscaping, calf implants, and manx! What’s next? Men, enjoy the objectification that women have endured for years! You’re gonna love being told you aren’t good enough and that everything about you has to change.

Let’s begin with examples of our theme: men are the new women. The following list classifies some of the types of new modern man that are seeking someone that can deal with their emotional cycles, insecurities, and rants.

The pity seeker.

This guy chalks his life setbacks and experiences to a series of bad luck. Somehow things don’t pan out for him, yet he doesn’t understand how these things keep happening to him. Watching this guy make attempts that don’t materialize makes it hard to think about a future with him. The draw about this guy is that you really feel for him because you want him to succeed at what he does and these types really want to be a good partner because he wants to please you. The flip-side of that is he likes being a victim in life because he is used to instability in his career, life goals attainment, whatever else he sees as failures. He will be insecure throughout the relationship and when you break up he will seek pity from others by vilifying you.

The jealous types.

This guy is outwardly projecting solid and strength, but internally very insecure. There are a few subtypes within this category.  There’s the overbearing and domineering type that wants your cell phone to review your call and text history because he has deep seated trust issues. Then, there’s the guy who thinks that everyone you encounter wants to be with you and let’s you know about it. He is actually secretly jealous of you because of his inability to deal with his own insecurities and can’t deal with your ability to command your life. He doesn’t see where he fits, so he creates one. Both types seem appealing because initially they both come off as very reliable and loyal. Unfortunately, these types can become abusive.

The socially inept type.

This guy feels very uncomfortable in social settings because they are used to interacting with a computer screen and have lost their ability to interact with humans. In addition to know knowing how to function in social settings, they are also oblivious to social cues and are unable to read human behavior appropriately. These guys usually have an equally inept social circle, if they have one. Initially the draw might be the shyness, but their social awkwardness usually stems from childhood. These guys deal with their emotions via their Facebook walls because that is their support network. This guy will break up with you via text/email.

Top 10 things women should tell themselves

Contrary to what we are told and tell ourselves as women, we are really amazing. Think about all the things you manage in a day. Isn’t it really impressive? That’s how we are meant to see ourselves.

Do people annoy you? Of course. Does life sometimes seem unfair? Of course. Do people disappoint you? Absolutely. Do you pursue what you want & feel like it’s unattainable? Of course. Do you want something so badly, yet it doesn’t materialize? Absolutely!

Here are some ways to keep you reminded of what life is really about:

1. Focusing on people that hurt you, will keep you attracting that into your life.

2. Instead of complaining about things you don’t have, focus on what you’re going to have.

3. All that you have experienced in life has made you who you are today.

4. You are meant to live a life of fulfillment and abundance.

5. When you are doing what you enjoy, opportunities are limitless.

6. Focusing on negative events in your day; keeps you in a negative state.

7. Complaining about your body or beauty, doesn’t change anything.

8. Remind yourself of how beautiful and amazing you are every morning.

9. Remind yourself that the person who annoys you for constant help doesn’t really want your help.

10. You create your reality.

Men, keep it 100: how to stop getting rejected online.

These tips are designed to help men deal with not getting contacted back from women or feeling outright rejection while online dating.

1. If your interested in hook ups, don’t contact women who don’t have that included in their profiles. The likelihood of you not getting a response is about 95%  (CI=95%, p<=.05).

2. You’ve heard it several times: don’t lie about your height. Women don’t want you to lie about inches.

3. Don’t approach women as though you are placing a bet at a roulette table: covering the spread so that you can get a hit.  (OR=.1, p<=.05)

4. Be realistic. If you don’t think you would have a shot in public, your chances aren’t going to improve online. (OR=.1, p<=.05)

5. If you have multiple profiles up, don’t lie about it. It’s searchable. We’re all trying to find what we want. No one’s gonna judge.

6. Whatever your current life circumstances are, just be honest about it. Ultimately, the person you want to be with will be supportive.

7. If you don’t fit the majority of her match criteria that she’s included in her profile, more than likely you won’t get a response.  That message gets recycled. (CI=99%, p<=.01)

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8. Don’t send follow-up emails if you didn’t get a response to your initial communication. It’s all based on probability.  Telling someone anything about you feeling rejected, doesn’t improve your chances of getting a response. All it conveys to us is that you may be immature, ego maniacal, and angry. We usually don’t reconsider men that exhibit those qualities. (CI=99%, p<=.01)

How the sexes handle hurt

In our quest for happiness and ultimate life satisfaction, we encounter struggles that we try to figure out. Clark Kent & I decided to collaborate to answer some of the questions that men and women struggle with one another. We wanted to demystify the age old question about not understanding the other sex. We started with some of the stereotypical questions of what we think our genders do wrong when listening and communicating with the other sex. Clark’s answers have the male symbol (♂), mine have the female symbol (♀).

 Perception: What are some of the differences between men and women in handling hurt?

 ♂ Every man or woman experiences things that alter what perception of illusion that is what is felt within. The more pain experienced the greater the capacity for love to take its place. When a man is hurt or is hurting another it is because of the choices he can’t see! I had to break someone’s heart who meant alot to me, when she learned everything I had done, and did to myself I then tried to make it work with her. But what I had to learn from this was that the more I came true inside myself the more I was able to see this very pain in others. I could see her pain and I was forcing her to see it without her permission to obtain it. This was not what I wanted for her I wanted her to be happy.

You have to take what shattered pieces of you that you have and remove those life situations to live your life more fully. All pain has to be embraced, all flaws accepted, all regrets uncovered, all of it.  It doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t happen in your thoughts it happens outside of them.  If you are with someone, male or female, it does take you to remove all forms of judgement, lies, etc. to be able to hear another!  You can run from those that you feel are dangerous or you can stand your ground long enough to allow them to see themselves through your eyes.  It takes this if you want to be in love, it takes this if you want to understand another, it takes this to heal inside yourself what you wish to heal in others.  Love has no end of depth it only has the surface that you can see with your eyes and then sink to realize you will always float and be able to breathe more than you ever had.  In general we continue to seek answers in others rather than seeking them inside ourselves. You will need to listen deeper to accept all things inside yourself before you will hear it in others!

♀ What blunts a woman’s ability to see things for what they are is that we are seeing things that affirm what we want. Only after time passes, do we start seeing things for what they are. Generally, it is after a painful experience do we see the full extent of the distortion. We want to believe that what we are creating in the relationship is for the betterment of the person and ultimately the relationship. We don’t want to believe that what we created in the world could be distorted, diseased, or dysfunctional. It would mean accepting a definition of ourselves that is contrary to what we know of ourselves and what social and biological realities we face.

Communication style: Why can’t my he/she communicate with me so we can make this relationship work?

♂ A man will still pick up the communication habits of the father or mother or variables of both. It isn’t that he doesn’t love you unconditionally, but the place of love he experiences through sight keep him from hearing himself. If you never are able to communicate what your truths are, then you will play a role as you were taught or are willing to learn from your partner. This is how it has been and how it will remain until this core of thinking can be eliminated in either one. It is not something you have to repeat, it is not something you have to make as a choice to live your existence under this.

All those broken pieces that were me I had to pull together to create something out of it. I had to take the corpse I was and put something beautiful together out of it. I didn’t know where to start and I didn’t know where I would end up. I met someone who watched me go through this, something in her love in a friendship that was placed allowed me to be as honest with her as I hadn’t been with myself but in essence it allowed me to be honest with myself beyond anything I ever knew possible. You can change the vibrational love within you by this very acceptance of knowing something deeper is before you!

♀ The lack of self-awareness is gender neutral. From your insights, it seems that men learn a communication pattern from their environment and model that behavior that he was exposed to within that environment. Where, women adapt their communication styles based on situational experiences. Women learn earlier on that expressing ourselves releases some of the emotions that can create negative and maladaptive thinking if it’s unexpressed. As we go through relationships, we have expressed some of the painful emotions and cultivated a support base to keep us from repeating some of the pain we wanted to avoid. The difference is that we have outlets to express emotion and can synthesize the negative emotion and at least not repeat those same emotional triggers in the next relationship.

Often times, though, we keep trying to tell men what we want them to be, what to do, & how we want things; instead of just listening. If we just listened to men, we would let them get out their raw, pent-up emotion and let their truth emerge. In their truth emerging we might see our truth. If that isn’t aligned, we can begin searching for the person who is designed for us. In many relationships, I have failed to listen to what they were saying and I realized way down the line that it was an illusion that I assisted in creating. Their lies became my lies.

Top 10 things to stop doing right now

1. Don’t think that people will change.

2. Don’t settle. In every person you encounter you gain something. Focus on what you gained, instead of what you were disappointed with. Use that list to carry you into the next relationship.

3. Don’t think that people aren’t satisfied with what they are or their circumstances. People structure their lives the way they want. When you join someone’s life it either works or it doesn’t.

4. Don’t get caught up in someone else’s drama. Follow your gut. If you hesitate about something, it is usually something you should avoid.

5. Don’t help people that don’t deserve it. It could be that you are enabling something or you’re caught up in their lies.

6. Don’t live your life for others. Find the things you enjoy doing, enjoy those things, enjoy who you are and where you are in life.

7. Don’t lose your sense of self in a relationship. The person you were when you met is what attracted the person in the first place.

8. Don’t look for someone’s potential. Focus on what and who they are in the present.

9. Don’t be someone for someone else.

10. Delete the need to understand. Sometimes we really don’t know the reasons why things worked out the way they did.  Relying on a source outside yourself to understand why you feel hurt can lead you to persecute yourself. Sometimes people might not be completely honest with themselves and aren’t ready to be honest with you or can’t be honest with you. The best thing to do is just recognize that it’s over or the person is not going to call or the person doesn’t want to be in your life and that’s ok. You lost nothing. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the other person was about, said, did, etc.

Wow! Nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award!

I have had the honor of being nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award from one of my favorite bloggers, needforspeed! She chronicles her life and dating adventures in a smart, honest, poignant and entertaining way! She’s hilarious and great! I don’t know why she’s single! Thanks for the nomination, love!

So the rules are that I have to: 1) thank the person who gave it to me, 2) share 7 possible things that are unknown about me,  3) nominate 15 or so bloggers, and 4) notify the nominees of their nomination.

1. I am a native New Yorker, which some might say explains my tone 😉 Nothing like growing up with Central Park & syringe infected Tompkins Square Park as your playgrounds.

2. I grew up with “tiger” parents, which some might also say explains my tone 😉 Looking back at the deprivation I felt when I was younger, I’m grateful for it.

3. The You’re Just a Dumbass concept was an idea I had 9 years ago. I developed and refined the technique and finally got over myself and started writing.

4. I have another  7 ideas that I am working on. Can’t wait to give them life!

5. I am inspired by other bloggers courage. Not just the content, but the character & passion that is conveyed in the writing.

6. I am a picky eater. I’m the one that requests things to be put on the side.

7. I try to enhance 1 human beings life every day. Not just in the give change to the panhandler way, in a help someone through pain way.

This is in no ranked order. I admire and am inspired by them all equally. The list of nominees are:

http://bornoutofbourbon.wordpress.com/

http://clarkkent07.wordpress.com/

http://dvsurvivor.com

http://unitednationsdelegate.com/

http://nanafeneba.wordpress.com

http://sweetsavageblood.wordpress.com

http://theothersideofugly.wordpress.com

http://datingtheinternets.wordpress.com/

http://shoegazeandcats.wordpress.com/

http://myyearlongjourney.com/

http://sibonphiri.blogspot.co.uk/

http://bonnevivantelife.wordpress.com/

http://mythoughtlessworld.wordpress.com

http://asylumheaven.wordpress.com/

http://truthseeker411.com/

http://countryclairecares.wordpress.com/